Alone in a Normal World


A barking dog, the hum of a tractor, a basketball pounding the pavement……all the typical noises of a traditional Sunday afternoon.  My husband is making his famous soup trying to cure the house of the illness running rampant through it.  But, I still feel alone.  Even around the people I love the detachment I feel causes me panic and restlessness.  On the outside people who know me see that something is wrong.  On the inside nobody could imagine the monstrosity that rips through my body. Distress creeps through my blood. I begin to dread the restlessness and panic that shiver down my spine.  Misery is now trapped in my body and even my sweat is full of panic.

My son sits beside me on the couch smiling and showing me his loose tooth.  Captain America is getting his fish tank cleaned. But I still feel alone.

It is a sad place to be when you feel like there is something missing. There is a place inside that is hollow. Where is that place?  That dark, empty, hole that erupts so viciously but then quickly simmers down so silent I can not find where it has gone.  What does it need?  It taunts me from the dark but why won’t it talk to me?  As soon as I can fill this emptiness it desires more.  This craving has become a part of me.A frightened woman strapped onto a plane

 

Help, I am Drowning in Boys


Have you ever googled you name?  It gets a little scary.  Oh yes….a lot of those Facebook images and some of the ones you forgot about are sitting right there with those lovely starlets whose name you are lucky enough to have a piece of.  There they are in their galligaskins (fancy word for leather leggings) and there you are in your flower one piece you wore to the hot tub in Colorado.  Oh, those were the days.293092_178196015672367_261588333_n

…It is a typical Saturday around here. My husband is actually at work which does not happen often on a Saturday.  Our roof has been blown half off by a wind storm. But, we have had many kind drivers  stop to tell us our unfortunate news. One of my children has a huge knot on his leg and has not been able to move it.  I been the fill-in and have played xbox,cleaned the dog (you know what) and now we are watching a movie but, soon the pile of dishes in the sink will have to be done because I can’t find my sponge unfortunately, I know exactly where it is.

  My eldest child is at least outside with all the other 10 boys in the neighborhood being a navy seal.  All of the freshly ploughed dirt and new houses make for a great playground.  The only problem is there is a gun jam about every five minutes so I guess you could add  gunsmith to my line of duties.

I thought today I would write about a typical day but unfortunately I am not content with typical days.  I am angry at my circumstances but I must remember that every circumstance that touches our lives must first come through God’s hands.  His fingers of love are part of a great plan that he has established for our lives.

Surviving an Unseen Battle


Smiling_old_ladyA fragile, aging, petite woman just came to check on me and left my couch with a slight smile and “the look”. She is the most powerful person I know. She does not have social status or great wealth but she has a heart that you do not want to disappoint.  I love to have the company but only for a short time.  I am an addict.  It hurts to be around people and to  pretend to be someone I am not.  I have battled drugs for many years. I have also been sober for many years.  What I want to talk about today is my relapse into prescription medication. The tonic transfusion that has taken over my body was actually a concoction by my rheumatologist who eventually sent me to a pain doctor.  This is where life became jumbled. My entire spirit and individuality changed.  I was very satisfied at first but then I needed more medication to maintain my pain-free status.  I started to take more pills and began to run out before my prescription was ready.  Every month there would be some sort of withdrawal which is rigorous and cruel.  I have Lupus so some of the symptoms overlap and you feel like you are having a flare every month.  I sit here like a sad little girl with no direction. I am so powerless and angry. The drugs push me down deeper and deeper and I can see no way out.  I abruptly have to climb out of this madness. friendship-28a

How do we escape bondage and begin to move toward freedom in those sinful areas of our life?  Well, I don’t know.  You can read books, seminars or even listen to the doctors.  I am here to tell you only you can do it.  So many things in this life overshadow our godly hearts and minds but he is the only one who can take this pain away.  I still need some of the drugs and I fight everyday to stay strong.  But honestly I do not do a good job at it.  Living with a drug problem and a chronic illness I have to choose to take only the minimum amount of drugs to keep my disease in place.  If you are going through this, I wish you could fight with me.  We all need to hear someone’s story.

Help Solve This Cruel Mystery


484876_180392985452670_351279867_nWe are but dust-born into a physical body that has already “fallen” and prone to cause problems for the soul.(PS.103:14).

Dear Friends,

It has been a while since I have discussed the brutal impact Lupus has habitually interfered with during my life.  Today has been a total breakdown and I stayed in bed for most of it.  Why the sadness infringes on my plans, I don’t know.  My last infection, about 3 weeks ago left me with 2 weeks of antibiotics.  I thought I was in the clear but redness hit my face and neck like supersonic colors. Of course I got my fever blister and only a little sore in my mouth but nothing like usual.  My legs and ankles have become so inflated at times I can barely walk.  I do have my special shoes but they are so decrepid I can’t even go to the mailbox in them. So embarrassing but I love them! My main concern now is my lungs. I am very short of breath and my inhaler just is not cutting it.  479777_178003839024918_1893458639_n

I am sorry for anyone going through any chronic illness.  People will never know the sadness that everyday brings.  Some days are so unbearable I can’t even put it into words.  The people in our life have to continue their routine obligations so the sadness  and guilt become overwhelming.  You hurt so bad that your focus on God can quickly disappear and allow the enemy to move right in.  I get fearful at times when I am alone.  I worry about the future and I can quickly feel my mood change.  I fear that  I do not love this person that I see.  I feel shame for some of the failures in my life.  But God sees a desire to love us through our shame and guilt. But, I feel guilt and shame for not always remembering that. Hang tight you tenacious strong survivors.  I love you all.

Whisper to Jesus for Comfort and Strength and Bedhlam Will Show Your Spirit


jpg-creativity-is-so-delicate-a-flower-that-praise-tends-to-make-it-bloom-while-discouragement-often-nips-it-in-the-bud-samuel-bJames 3:5 says, “The tongue is a small thing but what enormous damage it can do.”Children live in deep un conscious unity with their parents.  They may be able to feel a parent’s emotions and moods before they are expressed. When a parent develops setbacks, these can cause great discouragement to the child. disasters and obstacles can control the leadership of the family eventually sowing a seed in the child’s behaviour.  Beliefs produce that behavior. This initiates us to believe the things that are not true. This control produces sinful behavior and every act of sin in our lives begins with a lie.

Children have the biggest hearts. They do not use lies as opportunities. Their devotion and tender prayers are so simple and free from judgement.  Why can’t we love like that?

God’s  compassion changes everyday.  It becomes new and fresh.  But what if God turned the tables and offered us no compassion?  When we asked for forgiveness what if he said no?  When we asked for a helping hand, and he said he did not have time.?. Many people are unaware that this behavior consumes their heart.  Many days I am an empty shell in need of a loving hand to feel around me.  I feel if I make one more mistake I could easily stay this way. I am truly powerless but how do you become powerful when its hard to think straight?rf_detail_227_0

We can never know exactly what we will face each day .  But we need to dressed for the fight.  Before rising, let prayer be your protection. In these times we all need a saving grace who can provide comfort,hope and strength.

DABDA


on-beach-love-yourself-wallpapers-1024x768.jpg  Lupus or any chronic illness can bring about an array of emotions that can occur in any order and lasts until God gives you the courage to move on to the next phase.  He knows when we focus on his work in our life , we’ll discover our spirit and courage to react to the life-altering event we have been assigned to.

1. Denial-Don’t give into fear, but break its hold through scripture. Our willingness to obey is a key to answered prayer. Instead of denial, if we demonstrate thankfulness in harsh circumstances, other people may see our response.  The people in our life will want the peace they see within us for themselves.

2. Anger-This can ruin relationships and make it difficult for a person to move forward in life.  It is a painful storm of resentment that will always block our path to righteousness.  This is a hard one but, rejoice in the fact today that God is giving ou this opportunity to give him glory.

3. Bargaining-This is a negotiation for extended time.  We must realize the first rule of warfare is to know one’s enemy. Through God we can conquer Satan and win our unseen battles. The combined forces of hell cannot equal the supernatural forces of a single believer. To me, bargaining tries to defy logic. We just need to believe and praise the Lord.

4. Depression This is an unbelievable force that can be the toughest stage to go through.  I seem to keep coming back to this process over and over.  We are to fix our gaze on the Saviour, and let his joy become yours.  With  so much out of our control , it is such a relief that we are called to get our joy from the Lord.  Depression can become  a major stumbling block. Do not give in to fear but live in confidence.  Lean on your relationships but process your feelings and brace yourself for God’s grace.

5. Acceptance-Humble yourself. People who pass through these stages can enter a single one for a long period of time. God has a purpose in mind for each experience  whether pleasant or difficult.  This is the time to trust God, grow in your love, and never forget how Jesus embraces us.  We are his masterpiece and no matter how fragile our bodies get we are perfect because God designed something different for us.  Our relationship with him will take us to a place where we can finally say we are done with this fight.  I am unique and my purpose has been faultless.

What is the Name of your Pillow Pet?


freedom_isnt_free_pillow-r335e46980d24447bb5b0106e569996a2_i52ni_8byvr_324Well I want to talk today about a pillow epilogue.  We all privately talk about it in our quiet haven but it usually does not become a source of  theatrical agony.  We had a friend staying with us for a few nights.  He took one of the boys rooms and so a jolt of anguish immediately overtook my emotional emphatic child who was forced to share a room with his brother.  You see we also took one of his pillows.  The one he puts in between his legs.  We have couch pillows and pillow pets but they were not his traditional pillow.  We needed to use his for our guests.  We went through a complete meltdown before I finally left the room completely exhausted and sick at heart.  About 30 minutes later I went in to check on him and he was sitting in the same position with the same somber look.  I sat with him and found out the main reason for the meltdown was he gets bruises on his knees if he doesn’t have a pillow.  How do I explain to a child who sees life through his own needs and desires that there are other simple ways to fix a pickle? At !0:00 at night there isn’t.  We laid his head down and he finally closed his eyes.boy-resting-his-head-pillow-12073399

But, where do those emotions go?  He did not get to let them out.  How can he continue to live inside of his own head and not feel overwhelmed.  I want to know what to do about it when we do talk. How can we describe our feelings and have a release of despondency?  How does he feel about my Lupus and watching me change day after day?  I am not okay with just explaining my symptoms and living this life.  He is described as having a mental illness.  No matter how you try to get around it, you can’t.  Even your family cannot be truly honest with you having  astigmatism like that.  When he is mad it is not always because he is erratic. It is a real emotion focused on his judgement.  How can we help?  We could possibly slant our point of view  and become nonpartisan to the simple pillow problems.  He got through the night now I just need him to get through the emotions.