I now lay claim to a disease called Lupus. While reading about the turmoil my body is going through, I begin to see the different faces of people living with the disease. I see that I am not the only sufferer of the disease. Of course I knew that but did I REALLY know that? Lupus is a powerful disease physically and mentally. After my physical symptoms subside temporally I try to regain my mental state which is torn apart.. .At my house, girl power is something you have to earn after everyone else has exhausted their own tantrums.. Occasionally it happens….I jump up and down and scream at the top of my lungs to get my voice heard. For so long I have internally been screaming. Screaming at God, my husband, children and well basically anybody who got in my way. But, screaming? Really? That takes to much effort. My effort now is to get the people in my life to see my face or even their own faces. Are they going through this life with blinders on like I was (still am)? What do they see when they look at me? Do they see that my heart breaks because I know for the last 5 years their lives have been torn apart. I ache now when I think back to the time that they listened and respected my input or my direction. I cannot give myself direction so how do I help them? Have I really raised these people that conform to society? Lupus hurts. Mentally and Physically. All I want to know is they see more of me than what they outwardly show. Tell me it is ok to not be the powerful one today. Let me know I am still your partner and we walk together not in front or behind each other. Walking with my best friend should be the most empowering thing this earth holds for me. I feel so empty but please keep reminding me God has a purpose and as he is holding my life in his hands it is ok. Love will not always be the first thing I think about when I see you but it will always be the thing that lasts for eternity. That magic is well magical!
Lupus is a tough competetitor. It is relentless. As I start to enjoy myself, it reminds me who is running this body. I could just ignore the screaming of its constant mumbles. But, I actually try to keep up with the schedule I was so proud of. I could get things accomplished and march my children around a store as I remember every item on the list I left on the counter (along with the coupons). My children are beautiful, smart, energetic little men. I love to sit with them. Those times are getting shorter and shorter. The time they need me to run around and use my mommy magic is the time the magic wand has lost its power. I am beginning to give in to the demands. I am trying to say no to the things that are not the most important. Now its time to get my list turned around. I tend to please the people that are the hardest to work for. They don’t cuddle with me at night. I know my cuddlers will always be there even after my mommy meanness has shown its ugly head.
Do you know that you are a beautiful, smart, wonderful person? How can we hear that so much from people yet never feel those words come alive inside? Lupus has robbed me. I cannot feel with my heart anymore. The words that I hear are not absorbed into my body soul. I only feel the poison I am putting in there. I want to feel love and comfort again. Although this lupus journey has been lingering for a while I have only begun to see the course it has started to take. Just this one seed has started to branch out and ravish every aspect of my life. Lets see where this takes me. Now that this journey has started, the strength of the people around me has been revved up. The engines are started……MY mommy magic is being tested or maybe just repaired as my children see it.