Withholding Mercy


I just turned forty.  I look back at my life and I see the normalcy that covers all the basic fundamentals of my life.  Although, something wasn’t normal.  I have three very talented, smart and beautiful sisters each with our own individuality.  But, at times we were thrust together in activities maybe not as well suited for one another.  My mom worked aimlessly to get us from activity to activity after working a full day at work.  There was no time to grow as an individual.  I have always felt an emptiness inside that I cannot explain. I had faith in my father growing up but having patience with little girls and differentiating between us and his unhappy marriage took a toll on him. As a child you do not expect your father to reject you.  It was hard to have faith in God as a new Christian because I felt he was rejecting and judging me like my own father did.  I went through years of suffering quietly then my sins started to pour out openly.  I spent twenty years in substance abuse.  I was trying to find hope in my life.  I was chastising myself.  Through this I began to realize that God forgives unlike my own father. I still have to forgive myself but I have begun to get respect back in my life.  I went through relationships prepared to hurt and hurt others because I was so unsure of what I was feeling.  Anyone else punish themselves for the same reason?

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