I am sitting at my desk looking out the window at the beautiful butterfly bush that brings vibrant color and serenity. The house is quiet and the cat is napping on the window ledge soaking up the sun that fills the house. But I sit vacant. Like I am abandoned. The emotion I felt throughout my life has been changeless. The times of happiness have never been able to push through this invisible realm I have. I truly sit and wonder what do people feel when they look at their newborn baby or look at pictures of fun memorable times? I love my boys but at times I just traveled through the days feeding, changing, bathing. I wanted to crawl in a ball when they wanted to play or interact. It hurt so bad to see them look up at me as an innocent being needing love or approval but my heart was still stone cold.
I am always anticipating a time when I will be abanded. My oldest child was a very good baby. He never cried when people held him. Then he started to pull away. He did not want to be held. He had certain triggers and particular ways he had to sleep. He cried all the time and I had to be in constant interaction with him. I soon figured out he needed more intense play. He liked lights and certain movements and certain textures. Even with this, I still could not break through my emotional sphere. Could he see through me?
There is like a black globe holding in my emotions. It sits in the middle of my head and I can see everything around it. It will not crack open. It makes me feel empty. I still cry and laugh but my body does not get the euphoria that comes with those emotions. I still feel sometimes there is nowhere to go. I go through the day understanding that one person out there knows and they have had enough of being raw. Just because we don’t feel it completely or we feel it the wrong way doesn’t mean we need to silence ourselves. I hope to find peace outside of my black sphere. Thank you for letting me share this with you.