I wrote yesterday about my emotions being locked inside my head and I was unable to free them. This began a cycle of emotional mayhem. When I am overwhelmed I sit transfixed as if I am dazed and I cannot properly engage.
When a rush of emotion hits me I cannot process them individually. The sadness and the catatonic state are the only way I can react. I try to change my disposition but I cannot pull myself out of it. In my relationships this causes a collision when I go in to conflict. It pulls at all the stages of emotions and while my partner can easily negotiate his way through I am stuck in one pattern. In the rejoiced moments I am unable to feel delighted.
These stages bring a heightened sense of perception. We all walk through life with affiance. We have commitments and obligations. There is always a seemingly normal breach of these engagements. To me these unfulfilled promises bring hopelessness. These patterns of broken expectations bring a heightened sense of disappointment to me. I in turn break engagements and unfufill promises to those I love. This is not intentional but my misery will not let me go to those who would comfort me. All I see after these broken patterns is hopelessness. There is nothing to anticipate. I feel alone even though the slightest smile from a stranger could comfort me if I let them.
I can’t. I cannot get rid of the hopelessness I hold now. These bring fits of rage and sorrow.I do not know what my dreams are. I cannot describe any ambitions. I do not know what makes me happy. The depression from life events that people can internalize overloads me. I am afraid to write about this. I am afraid I may lose friends but, I need you to see me as I am.