I’m Slowly Giving Up


 

the tide of hopelessness4I wrote yesterday about my emotions being locked inside my head and I was unable to free them.  This began a cycle of emotional mayhem.  When I am overwhelmed I sit transfixed as if I am dazed and I cannot properly engage.

 

When a rush of emotion hits me I cannot process them individually.  The sadness and the catatonic state are the only way I can react.  I try  to change my disposition  but I cannot pull myself out of it.  In my relationships this causes a collision when I go in to conflict. It pulls at all the stages of emotions and while my partner can easily negotiate his way through I am stuck in one pattern.  In the rejoiced moments I am unable to feel delighted.

 

These stages bring a heightened sense of perception.  We all walk through life with affiance.  We have commitments and obligations.  There is always a seemingly normal breach of these engagements.  To me these unfulfilled promises bring hopelessness.  These patterns of broken expectations bring a heightened sense of disappointment to me.  I in turn break engagements and unfufill promises to those I love.  This is not intentional but my misery will not let me go to those who would comfort me.  All I see after these broken patterns is hopelessness.  There is nothing to anticipate.  I feel alone even though the slightest smile from a stranger could comfort me if I let them.

 

I can’t. I cannot get rid of the hopelessness I hold now.  These bring fits of rage and sorrow.I do not know what my dreams are.  I cannot describe any ambitions.  I do not know what makes me happy.  The depression from life events that people can internalize overloads me. I am afraid to write about this.  I am afraid I may lose friends but, I need you to see me as I am.hopelessness

 

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5 thoughts on “I’m Slowly Giving Up

  1. I think it is wonderful that you can express your feelings through your writing. And though you may feel that others may not understand, you may be surprised to know that they do! No one is perfect. Just know that you are loved…xoxoxo Mom

  2. Even though you don’t know it, you are a gift. A gift to everyone who is lucky enough to know you and/or lucky enough to read your words. Your courage & strength knows no limits. Never be afraid to just be. Love you…always.

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