Agony of Defeat-A Victim of Personal Pain

mom 001_1 I hate the misology of victim.  But, I am a casualty of my mind.  My mind does not fully flower and bloom at the sight of happiness.   I sit in my gutter and look up at you with excitement at every word you promise. But your promises are fake. They push me down deeper and deeper and i can see no way out. Where did I go? I want so much to be powerful again.  I want to love and feel life again.  I  hear your promises and I know now they are not true. You are laughing at me but in your own sincere way,    I want to climb out of this madness but I can’t.  What is there to fight for anymore?  I feel powerless while everyone around me looks so impressive. I am stuck in this cold wet abyss.  Can anybody see me?  What is going to happen to me?   My voices yell at me, but I count on them so much. I hate them.  What is the truth? Why can’t anyone tell me it is going to be alright.  Would I believe them?

I am crying out in pain.  Why is nobody listening?  Why is nobody helping me.  I don’t want to be like this but I have isolated myself.  I have no true connection with anyone.  When my family reaches out for me they are fearful.  They act as if I am going to fall apart.  Have they seen this in me to many times before?  Have I scared them so much with my outbursts that I am a stranger to them?  I need them so bad but they have seen this so much.  It gets worse the longer it goes on.  They love me but I am so angry that they cannot see my pain.  Why can’t they feel what I feel?  Why are they not like this?  I am now changing. I can feel it.  My emotions get raw and go somewhere.  They hide deep in my head and now I am numb again.  My anger turns to rage and my voices are mocking me.  Do they want to hurt me or do they just  hate me?   I push them way back and pull my pleasant disguise forward until the pressure of the pain bursts wide open again.

Lupus and drugs can bring devastating results.  Please feel free to contact me or get help if you are experiencing any symptoms of depression.1453250_10151669341206735_1310661031_n

15 thoughts on “Agony of Defeat-A Victim of Personal Pain

  1. I am so glad you are sharing your feelings like this! I have experienced similar feelings myself and I know how lost you can be…I love you so much! Even though Lupus resides with you now, you have so many other blessings! 🙂

  2. Thanks for sharing these raw emotions, such a powerful message. I hope you know how much I love you always & forever and I’m always here for you no matter what. Praying Lupus will let go of you one of these days…soon. xoxo

  3. Wow, that was a really honest and insightful post. Thanks for sharing. I think it helps if you don’t think of it in terms of being a victim. Instead focus on that you are a survivor and getting through it one day at a time. Good luck!

  4. I also didn’t know the havoc that Lupus caused. I’m glad I found your blog. Keep your head up, you are not alone!

  5. My sister has lupus. She is one of the kindest, most amazing people in my life. Thank you for giving me some insight into her world. But these words are also those of a different dear person in my life. If I could bring him hope I would. Unfortunately he has a bit of a journey left before he can understand he is loved. Thank you for this post.

    • Thanks for reading Barbara. I hope people can see that we all have troubles on the inside. When you have so many demons that you can’t differniate you cannot feel love from anyone. Good luck. He is lucky to have you in his life. 🙂

  6. Lupus and depression seem to come as a package deal. It’s a lot for one person to handle. With each new day that comes means we have survived the previous days. Stay strong and keep blogging and talking with us that have lupus and can understand. Hugs!

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