Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable

friendship-32vWhy is depression so hard? It arrises when the truth is not real. It is when you are alone with yourself and you do not like who you are. It is when the weight of the world tumults down on you and the innermost fragments of your head is so broken you do not know how to fix it. All of your emotions are blurred in a big bubble and everything you feel gets stuck together. You cannot differentiate between happiness and sadness. It is a massive sentiment that lingers until one by one the bubbles burst and a revelation unfolds to reveal whatever emotion stands strong that day.

These monsters.  Do you mock in that delight? One more day you have my mind and my heart. To live where every step becomes so much to bear. But God keeps me here. There must be a reason I am so weak?  I have no one who could understand and I am not strong enough to do this by myself. So, I sit here and I hope God is listening.

You know what feels the worst is knowing that you have screwed up your life. I will never have any opportunities to excel at the gifts I was given. I ruined them.. there is no way to get them back.. I want to be a good person but as a mother there is always something to do, fix or make.
But then all of that changed.  I began to yell at the boys for fighting over the XBox because someone was in someone elses room.  I threw up my hands in disgust.  I sat on the couch and put my face in my hands.  The boys quickly came in and in their most serious voice asked me why I was so sad.  I don’t know I said I guess I just need extra special love from you now. They brought me a pillow, propped up my feet, brought me my water and with a big hug told me thank you for doing this for us every night.  002

Nobody knows the struggle I am going through. But It can never be too late to excel at the gifts God has given you. Will it help to talk about my past? Will it help to talk about all the wrong in my life? I like to see stories of recovery don’t get me wrong but I hate to hear condescending people who think they could never go back to being a user. Watch yourself because you will fall again. A changed life gets a person’s attention every time. (Liz Curtis Higgins)

6 thoughts on “Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable

  1. My friend Molly wrote on facebook the other day, I thoought I would share it with you. She wrote, “…time doesn’t heal things. We may think it does because cuts, wounds, bodies, trees… physical things need a period of time to heal. But time itself does not heal anything. In all cases-God heals and He does not need nor operate in our vague interpretation of time. We are also responsible for our healing. Our responsibility is to step out of denial (admit the hurt is there) see the truth, accept our responsibility… make amends when needed, or forgive and allow God to heal and restore… this process may take time… but alas time is not capable of healing…anything…just saying :)” I thought this is very deep, what she says is so true for me personally. God is the only one who can and will heal. We don t need to focus on what time or when. We just have to be open to His healing. Everyone heals differently and in different times. I say this as one who has been in counsiling since 1997. I am still in counsiling. Ive had to admit that hurt is here. I want help with the hole in my soul. There is a piece missing inside. No one can give it back to me. I am still coming to terms with that. How long does it take to come to terms with it? When will I know the reasons for my huts and pains? Will I ever come to terms with it? What if I don’t come to terms with it? I don’t feel like a whole person… will I ever???
    My counsilor reminds me to have an “attitude of gratitude”. He tells me to cultivate gratitude and reminds me of who I in Christ. So people like you(Jen), my friend Molly, my counsilor, and many others who God has sent as gifts to remind me that He loves me no matter what. Keep on blogging… I luv you 🙂

  2. Such a powerful message! It is a blessing that you can share this gift you have of relaying your feelings through the written word 🙂 Love, Mom

  3. Thank you… I was just thinking about all the wrongs that I have done before reading this post of yours. Hurting loved ones, wasting my talents… Feeling a little better now. Thanks a lot again.

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