Alone in a Normal World


A barking dog, the hum of a tractor, a basketball pounding the pavement……all the typical noises of a traditional Sunday afternoon.  My husband is making his famous soup trying to cure the house of the illness running rampant through it.  But, I still feel alone.  Even around the people I love the detachment I feel causes me panic and restlessness.  On the outside people who know me see that something is wrong.  On the inside nobody could imagine the monstrosity that rips through my body. Distress creeps through my blood. I begin to dread the restlessness and panic that shiver down my spine.  Misery is now trapped in my body and even my sweat is full of panic.

My son sits beside me on the couch smiling and showing me his loose tooth.  Captain America is getting his fish tank cleaned. But I still feel alone.

It is a sad place to be when you feel like there is something missing. There is a place inside that is hollow. Where is that place?  That dark, empty, hole that erupts so viciously but then quickly simmers down so silent I can not find where it has gone.  What does it need?  It taunts me from the dark but why won’t it talk to me?  As soon as I can fill this emptiness it desires more.  This craving has become a part of me.A frightened woman strapped onto a plane

 

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4 thoughts on “Alone in a Normal World

  1. I’ve been praying for you as you work to overcome the many hurdles in your path. I hope that your health allows you to keep writing. There are many who need to know that they are not alone. I think your blog provides that service.

  2. Love you and miss you, Jen!! Hoping to hear from you soon and praying for your strength!
    Your expressions of seemingly ordinary activities and how they interact with your thoughts is a great testimony that will help so many. Love you xoxo

  3. There are zero support groups where I live. It makes it so much harder to keep fighting when you can’t speak to others that fight too! Great post and keep your chin up 🙂

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