Help, I am Drowning in Boys


Have you ever googled you name?  It gets a little scary.  Oh yes….a lot of those Facebook images and some of the ones you forgot about are sitting right there with those lovely starlets whose name you are lucky enough to have a piece of.  There they are in their galligaskins (fancy word for leather leggings) and there you are in your flower one piece you wore to the hot tub in Colorado.  Oh, those were the days.293092_178196015672367_261588333_n

…It is a typical Saturday around here. My husband is actually at work which does not happen often on a Saturday.  Our roof has been blown half off by a wind storm. But, we have had many kind drivers  stop to tell us our unfortunate news. One of my children has a huge knot on his leg and has not been able to move it.  I been the fill-in and have played xbox,cleaned the dog (you know what) and now we are watching a movie but, soon the pile of dishes in the sink will have to be done because I can’t find my sponge unfortunately, I know exactly where it is.

  My eldest child is at least outside with all the other 10 boys in the neighborhood being a navy seal.  All of the freshly ploughed dirt and new houses make for a great playground.  The only problem is there is a gun jam about every five minutes so I guess you could add  gunsmith to my line of duties.

I thought today I would write about a typical day but unfortunately I am not content with typical days.  I am angry at my circumstances but I must remember that every circumstance that touches our lives must first come through God’s hands.  His fingers of love are part of a great plan that he has established for our lives.

Help Solve This Cruel Mystery


484876_180392985452670_351279867_nWe are but dust-born into a physical body that has already “fallen” and prone to cause problems for the soul.(PS.103:14).

Dear Friends,

It has been a while since I have discussed the brutal impact Lupus has habitually interfered with during my life.  Today has been a total breakdown and I stayed in bed for most of it.  Why the sadness infringes on my plans, I don’t know.  My last infection, about 3 weeks ago left me with 2 weeks of antibiotics.  I thought I was in the clear but redness hit my face and neck like supersonic colors. Of course I got my fever blister and only a little sore in my mouth but nothing like usual.  My legs and ankles have become so inflated at times I can barely walk.  I do have my special shoes but they are so decrepid I can’t even go to the mailbox in them. So embarrassing but I love them! My main concern now is my lungs. I am very short of breath and my inhaler just is not cutting it.  479777_178003839024918_1893458639_n

I am sorry for anyone going through any chronic illness.  People will never know the sadness that everyday brings.  Some days are so unbearable I can’t even put it into words.  The people in our life have to continue their routine obligations so the sadness  and guilt become overwhelming.  You hurt so bad that your focus on God can quickly disappear and allow the enemy to move right in.  I get fearful at times when I am alone.  I worry about the future and I can quickly feel my mood change.  I fear that  I do not love this person that I see.  I feel shame for some of the failures in my life.  But God sees a desire to love us through our shame and guilt. But, I feel guilt and shame for not always remembering that. Hang tight you tenacious strong survivors.  I love you all.

Whisper to Jesus for Comfort and Strength and Bedhlam Will Show Your Spirit


jpg-creativity-is-so-delicate-a-flower-that-praise-tends-to-make-it-bloom-while-discouragement-often-nips-it-in-the-bud-samuel-bJames 3:5 says, “The tongue is a small thing but what enormous damage it can do.”Children live in deep un conscious unity with their parents.  They may be able to feel a parent’s emotions and moods before they are expressed. When a parent develops setbacks, these can cause great discouragement to the child. disasters and obstacles can control the leadership of the family eventually sowing a seed in the child’s behaviour.  Beliefs produce that behavior. This initiates us to believe the things that are not true. This control produces sinful behavior and every act of sin in our lives begins with a lie.

Children have the biggest hearts. They do not use lies as opportunities. Their devotion and tender prayers are so simple and free from judgement.  Why can’t we love like that?

God’s  compassion changes everyday.  It becomes new and fresh.  But what if God turned the tables and offered us no compassion?  When we asked for forgiveness what if he said no?  When we asked for a helping hand, and he said he did not have time.?. Many people are unaware that this behavior consumes their heart.  Many days I am an empty shell in need of a loving hand to feel around me.  I feel if I make one more mistake I could easily stay this way. I am truly powerless but how do you become powerful when its hard to think straight?rf_detail_227_0

We can never know exactly what we will face each day .  But we need to dressed for the fight.  Before rising, let prayer be your protection. In these times we all need a saving grace who can provide comfort,hope and strength.

DABDA


on-beach-love-yourself-wallpapers-1024x768.jpg  Lupus or any chronic illness can bring about an array of emotions that can occur in any order and lasts until God gives you the courage to move on to the next phase.  He knows when we focus on his work in our life , we’ll discover our spirit and courage to react to the life-altering event we have been assigned to.

1. Denial-Don’t give into fear, but break its hold through scripture. Our willingness to obey is a key to answered prayer. Instead of denial, if we demonstrate thankfulness in harsh circumstances, other people may see our response.  The people in our life will want the peace they see within us for themselves.

2. Anger-This can ruin relationships and make it difficult for a person to move forward in life.  It is a painful storm of resentment that will always block our path to righteousness.  This is a hard one but, rejoice in the fact today that God is giving ou this opportunity to give him glory.

3. Bargaining-This is a negotiation for extended time.  We must realize the first rule of warfare is to know one’s enemy. Through God we can conquer Satan and win our unseen battles. The combined forces of hell cannot equal the supernatural forces of a single believer. To me, bargaining tries to defy logic. We just need to believe and praise the Lord.

4. Depression This is an unbelievable force that can be the toughest stage to go through.  I seem to keep coming back to this process over and over.  We are to fix our gaze on the Saviour, and let his joy become yours.  With  so much out of our control , it is such a relief that we are called to get our joy from the Lord.  Depression can become  a major stumbling block. Do not give in to fear but live in confidence.  Lean on your relationships but process your feelings and brace yourself for God’s grace.

5. Acceptance-Humble yourself. People who pass through these stages can enter a single one for a long period of time. God has a purpose in mind for each experience  whether pleasant or difficult.  This is the time to trust God, grow in your love, and never forget how Jesus embraces us.  We are his masterpiece and no matter how fragile our bodies get we are perfect because God designed something different for us.  Our relationship with him will take us to a place where we can finally say we are done with this fight.  I am unique and my purpose has been faultless.

Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable


friendship-32vWhy is depression so hard? It arrises when the truth is not real. It is when you are alone with yourself and you do not like who you are. It is when the weight of the world tumults down on you and the innermost fragments of your head is so broken you do not know how to fix it. All of your emotions are blurred in a big bubble and everything you feel gets stuck together. You cannot differentiate between happiness and sadness. It is a massive sentiment that lingers until one by one the bubbles burst and a revelation unfolds to reveal whatever emotion stands strong that day.

These monsters.  Do you mock in that delight? One more day you have my mind and my heart. To live where every step becomes so much to bear. But God keeps me here. There must be a reason I am so weak?  I have no one who could understand and I am not strong enough to do this by myself. So, I sit here and I hope God is listening.

You know what feels the worst is knowing that you have screwed up your life. I will never have any opportunities to excel at the gifts I was given. I ruined them.. there is no way to get them back.. I want to be a good person but as a mother there is always something to do, fix or make.
But then all of that changed.  I began to yell at the boys for fighting over the XBox because someone was in someone elses room.  I threw up my hands in disgust.  I sat on the couch and put my face in my hands.  The boys quickly came in and in their most serious voice asked me why I was so sad.  I don’t know I said I guess I just need extra special love from you now. They brought me a pillow, propped up my feet, brought me my water and with a big hug told me thank you for doing this for us every night.  002

Nobody knows the struggle I am going through. But It can never be too late to excel at the gifts God has given you. Will it help to talk about my past? Will it help to talk about all the wrong in my life? I like to see stories of recovery don’t get me wrong but I hate to hear condescending people who think they could never go back to being a user. Watch yourself because you will fall again. A changed life gets a person’s attention every time. (Liz Curtis Higgins)

Humble Yourself Because Your Demands are not Unreasonable


freedom     It was a typical Sunday morning.I came downstairs for breakfast but my husband had already eaten.  I was tired and still drunk from the night before so I was mad that he had not waited for me to eat. .  He was preparing a bag to leave for work. He normally went out-of-town on Sundays to get set up for his week ahead.  His phone rang and he carried it outside.  I could see him laughing and enjoying the conversation on the other end of the line.  He came back inside and told me he was leaving for work.  I was shocked because he normally left around dinner. I started the typical fight  and the day dragged on.  That night when he called me from the hotel  the fight continued.  Out of the blue I asked if he wanted a divorce and to my complete hysteria, he said yes.  Just like that.  He did not want to talk. I did.  I begged for some kind of connection but his voice was cold and numb.

     So this is how it started.  It came on like a gun, only it left me wounded and begging for death.  I could not move.  I felt a creepy burst of anger clawing its way in but at the same time a guilt of selfishness  overcame me so intensely that I wanted to justify every painful feeling and dysfunctional behaviour. But there was no one to justify it to.  My side of the story did not matter anymore.tumblr_m2yyppT5jj1qihs1qo1_500

I was unpleasant to be around.  I was embarrassing, irritating and basically rude. But I was sad.  I was gasping for air.  I had strong cravings for anger and bitterness.  This lead me to lash out at anyone who stood in my way. Some nights I would lie in bed and call out his name but no words would come out.  I felt like I was in a room with no ceiling or door.  It had hurtful characters covering the walls and I scratched my way up the wall only to fall back down into the hurtful pit that began to devour me in the first place.   The agony paralyzed me for years.  I just could not take responsibility for my actions. Bitterness  and jealousy impelled me. jealousy  attacked my heart.  It raided my emotions, motivations and relationships.  This can cause an irruption in your relationship with God.

eternal-life-tree     Does God give us more than we can handle?  My answer would be yes.  2 Timothy 3:17 says: It matures me and equips me to be ready for every good work.  Most of us willing to follow our own hearts not God.  Lead your heart to God. The heart can sometimes be untrustworthy.   Our problem might have a redefining purpose. It might hurt so bad that the pain will draw you nearer to God.   We could also be being tested and purified.  Others can see your faith and strength through your distressing times. How are you handling it? It is not up to us to judge what purpose God has laid out .  If it hurts, tell him, cry to him.  He is the only one who knows why trials have crept into our lives.

Plane Crash


god us air jet hudson river cartoon  Plane Crash. Bags flying everywhere.  The captain standing at the front of the plane telling jokes in his Dallas cowboys pajamas.  What a vivid imagination for a 10-year-old flying by himself.  Through the eyes of a child life seems so unbalanced.  These mystical experiences can seem so dangerous but, are they?

As a child our perspective is simple.  It is life that messes it up. There is an intimate purity and love that can only be seen through a child’s eyes.  At this time of year lights sparkle. Neighbors and friends give out cookies and cards. So why as adults are we so dismal?  We are reminded of the loss in our lives.  We try to replay the past holidays as if we can perfect the details of those gingerbread treasures.

We also hear the story of the birth a baby born to a virgin that ultimately grows up to die in a tremulous way.  This story can be frightening for a child who hasn’t learned the power of sinful forgiveness.  But he shines in everyone.  He gives these little ones companionship and virtues.  His intimacy guides them through experiences no mortal influence could.1470389_10151684512871735_259634300_n

Your substances belong to Jesus.  Let no one defeat you… “little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong”.