Alone in a Normal World


A barking dog, the hum of a tractor, a basketball pounding the pavement……all the typical noises of a traditional Sunday afternoon.  My husband is making his famous soup trying to cure the house of the illness running rampant through it.  But, I still feel alone.  Even around the people I love the detachment I feel causes me panic and restlessness.  On the outside people who know me see that something is wrong.  On the inside nobody could imagine the monstrosity that rips through my body. Distress creeps through my blood. I begin to dread the restlessness and panic that shiver down my spine.  Misery is now trapped in my body and even my sweat is full of panic.

My son sits beside me on the couch smiling and showing me his loose tooth.  Captain America is getting his fish tank cleaned. But I still feel alone.

It is a sad place to be when you feel like there is something missing. There is a place inside that is hollow. Where is that place?  That dark, empty, hole that erupts so viciously but then quickly simmers down so silent I can not find where it has gone.  What does it need?  It taunts me from the dark but why won’t it talk to me?  As soon as I can fill this emptiness it desires more.  This craving has become a part of me.A frightened woman strapped onto a plane

 

Surviving an Unseen Battle


Smiling_old_ladyA fragile, aging, petite woman just came to check on me and left my couch with a slight smile and “the look”. She is the most powerful person I know. She does not have social status or great wealth but she has a heart that you do not want to disappoint.  I love to have the company but only for a short time.  I am an addict.  It hurts to be around people and to  pretend to be someone I am not.  I have battled drugs for many years. I have also been sober for many years.  What I want to talk about today is my relapse into prescription medication. The tonic transfusion that has taken over my body was actually a concoction by my rheumatologist who eventually sent me to a pain doctor.  This is where life became jumbled. My entire spirit and individuality changed.  I was very satisfied at first but then I needed more medication to maintain my pain-free status.  I started to take more pills and began to run out before my prescription was ready.  Every month there would be some sort of withdrawal which is rigorous and cruel.  I have Lupus so some of the symptoms overlap and you feel like you are having a flare every month.  I sit here like a sad little girl with no direction. I am so powerless and angry. The drugs push me down deeper and deeper and I can see no way out.  I abruptly have to climb out of this madness. friendship-28a

How do we escape bondage and begin to move toward freedom in those sinful areas of our life?  Well, I don’t know.  You can read books, seminars or even listen to the doctors.  I am here to tell you only you can do it.  So many things in this life overshadow our godly hearts and minds but he is the only one who can take this pain away.  I still need some of the drugs and I fight everyday to stay strong.  But honestly I do not do a good job at it.  Living with a drug problem and a chronic illness I have to choose to take only the minimum amount of drugs to keep my disease in place.  If you are going through this, I wish you could fight with me.  We all need to hear someone’s story.

DABDA


on-beach-love-yourself-wallpapers-1024x768.jpg  Lupus or any chronic illness can bring about an array of emotions that can occur in any order and lasts until God gives you the courage to move on to the next phase.  He knows when we focus on his work in our life , we’ll discover our spirit and courage to react to the life-altering event we have been assigned to.

1. Denial-Don’t give into fear, but break its hold through scripture. Our willingness to obey is a key to answered prayer. Instead of denial, if we demonstrate thankfulness in harsh circumstances, other people may see our response.  The people in our life will want the peace they see within us for themselves.

2. Anger-This can ruin relationships and make it difficult for a person to move forward in life.  It is a painful storm of resentment that will always block our path to righteousness.  This is a hard one but, rejoice in the fact today that God is giving ou this opportunity to give him glory.

3. Bargaining-This is a negotiation for extended time.  We must realize the first rule of warfare is to know one’s enemy. Through God we can conquer Satan and win our unseen battles. The combined forces of hell cannot equal the supernatural forces of a single believer. To me, bargaining tries to defy logic. We just need to believe and praise the Lord.

4. Depression This is an unbelievable force that can be the toughest stage to go through.  I seem to keep coming back to this process over and over.  We are to fix our gaze on the Saviour, and let his joy become yours.  With  so much out of our control , it is such a relief that we are called to get our joy from the Lord.  Depression can become  a major stumbling block. Do not give in to fear but live in confidence.  Lean on your relationships but process your feelings and brace yourself for God’s grace.

5. Acceptance-Humble yourself. People who pass through these stages can enter a single one for a long period of time. God has a purpose in mind for each experience  whether pleasant or difficult.  This is the time to trust God, grow in your love, and never forget how Jesus embraces us.  We are his masterpiece and no matter how fragile our bodies get we are perfect because God designed something different for us.  Our relationship with him will take us to a place where we can finally say we are done with this fight.  I am unique and my purpose has been faultless.

Mr. Clean-I Need Help With Some Tough Love


A metallic chain with an explosed link.“Don’t just pretend to love others.  Really love them.  Hate what is wrong”(Romans 12:9).  Why is it so hard to love some people?  My mother-in-law, the one who gives me a pounding headache.  The one who has the un official authority to say and do anything was ringing the doorbell at my own humble house.  I could hear her come in and I smelled the spring air fly through the house like a wave of sweetness.  I heard her uneven steps as she navigated over the things on the floor.  As I began to apologize for the jeans hanging on the back of the chairs and the shoes scattered around, I forgot about the dishes in the sink.  I quickly tried to make it to the sink without her realizing what I was about to do.  Her laughter filled the house as the hot water bubbled up and over  the soap-filled dish pan.  She put her arm around me and reminded me her house was not always perfect.  It certainly did not make her a failure as a mother. And she said,” I don’t think that of you.”  There is an admiration that comes after we have tried to do another persons job.

When I was a child everything I did had to be perfect.  The anxiety that led up to an event was gut wrenching.  I did not want ny father to make fun of me or talk down to me.  It was my sport and I was sure I knew what I was doing.  But I was so used to it.  Did he ever tell me good job?  I can’t remember.  I am sure at times he did.  Even now I am the last one out of four girls that he calls if something happens…good or bad.  is he embarrassed of me.  Does he not trust me?  After my introduction to my wild side that REALLY changed things. He did not trust my professional opinion or ask for advise on anything.  I always got a lecture on why I needed help or money.  There was always a fight. He always had to tell me what I was doing wrong. Not in a good learning experience, but  a bad hurtful one.  I loved him but now I don’t want to be around him.  I needed him.  Not to fight, not for him to dominate the conversation but to teach me, to love me. Was I a disappointment?  Is that why I am not good at much?  Am I teaching my kids that?   Am I raising my kids wrong.  That is the opinion I get from him.. Why does he hate me so much?  How do i break the cycle.  Is this why I feel so guilty after I know that I have done some thing wrong? It is  like I can never get it back.  It will never disappear and it leaves me with a big gushing hole in my heart. Is this why I can’t forgive?  It is a horrible feeling to feel as though you are not good at the things a parent expects you to be.  love-god-and-your-neighbor_21162404

As I go through my seasons I have to remember that God commanded us to love our enemies .  I pray that he will teach me how to love difficult people.

Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable


friendship-32vWhy is depression so hard? It arrises when the truth is not real. It is when you are alone with yourself and you do not like who you are. It is when the weight of the world tumults down on you and the innermost fragments of your head is so broken you do not know how to fix it. All of your emotions are blurred in a big bubble and everything you feel gets stuck together. You cannot differentiate between happiness and sadness. It is a massive sentiment that lingers until one by one the bubbles burst and a revelation unfolds to reveal whatever emotion stands strong that day.

These monsters.  Do you mock in that delight? One more day you have my mind and my heart. To live where every step becomes so much to bear. But God keeps me here. There must be a reason I am so weak?  I have no one who could understand and I am not strong enough to do this by myself. So, I sit here and I hope God is listening.

You know what feels the worst is knowing that you have screwed up your life. I will never have any opportunities to excel at the gifts I was given. I ruined them.. there is no way to get them back.. I want to be a good person but as a mother there is always something to do, fix or make.
But then all of that changed.  I began to yell at the boys for fighting over the XBox because someone was in someone elses room.  I threw up my hands in disgust.  I sat on the couch and put my face in my hands.  The boys quickly came in and in their most serious voice asked me why I was so sad.  I don’t know I said I guess I just need extra special love from you now. They brought me a pillow, propped up my feet, brought me my water and with a big hug told me thank you for doing this for us every night.  002

Nobody knows the struggle I am going through. But It can never be too late to excel at the gifts God has given you. Will it help to talk about my past? Will it help to talk about all the wrong in my life? I like to see stories of recovery don’t get me wrong but I hate to hear condescending people who think they could never go back to being a user. Watch yourself because you will fall again. A changed life gets a person’s attention every time. (Liz Curtis Higgins)

Agony of Defeat-A Victim of Personal Pain


mom 001_1 I hate the misology of victim.  But, I am a casualty of my mind.  My mind does not fully flower and bloom at the sight of happiness.   I sit in my gutter and look up at you with excitement at every word you promise. But your promises are fake. They push me down deeper and deeper and i can see no way out. Where did I go? I want so much to be powerful again.  I want to love and feel life again.  I  hear your promises and I know now they are not true. You are laughing at me but in your own sincere way,    I want to climb out of this madness but I can’t.  What is there to fight for anymore?  I feel powerless while everyone around me looks so impressive. I am stuck in this cold wet abyss.  Can anybody see me?  What is going to happen to me?   My voices yell at me, but I count on them so much. I hate them.  What is the truth? Why can’t anyone tell me it is going to be alright.  Would I believe them?

I am crying out in pain.  Why is nobody listening?  Why is nobody helping me.  I don’t want to be like this but I have isolated myself.  I have no true connection with anyone.  When my family reaches out for me they are fearful.  They act as if I am going to fall apart.  Have they seen this in me to many times before?  Have I scared them so much with my outbursts that I am a stranger to them?  I need them so bad but they have seen this so much.  It gets worse the longer it goes on.  They love me but I am so angry that they cannot see my pain.  Why can’t they feel what I feel?  Why are they not like this?  I am now changing. I can feel it.  My emotions get raw and go somewhere.  They hide deep in my head and now I am numb again.  My anger turns to rage and my voices are mocking me.  Do they want to hurt me or do they just  hate me?   I push them way back and pull my pleasant disguise forward until the pressure of the pain bursts wide open again.

Lupus and drugs can bring devastating results.  Please feel free to contact me or get help if you are experiencing any symptoms of depression.1453250_10151669341206735_1310661031_n

Humble Yourself Because Your Demands are not Unreasonable


freedom     It was a typical Sunday morning.I came downstairs for breakfast but my husband had already eaten.  I was tired and still drunk from the night before so I was mad that he had not waited for me to eat. .  He was preparing a bag to leave for work. He normally went out-of-town on Sundays to get set up for his week ahead.  His phone rang and he carried it outside.  I could see him laughing and enjoying the conversation on the other end of the line.  He came back inside and told me he was leaving for work.  I was shocked because he normally left around dinner. I started the typical fight  and the day dragged on.  That night when he called me from the hotel  the fight continued.  Out of the blue I asked if he wanted a divorce and to my complete hysteria, he said yes.  Just like that.  He did not want to talk. I did.  I begged for some kind of connection but his voice was cold and numb.

     So this is how it started.  It came on like a gun, only it left me wounded and begging for death.  I could not move.  I felt a creepy burst of anger clawing its way in but at the same time a guilt of selfishness  overcame me so intensely that I wanted to justify every painful feeling and dysfunctional behaviour. But there was no one to justify it to.  My side of the story did not matter anymore.tumblr_m2yyppT5jj1qihs1qo1_500

I was unpleasant to be around.  I was embarrassing, irritating and basically rude. But I was sad.  I was gasping for air.  I had strong cravings for anger and bitterness.  This lead me to lash out at anyone who stood in my way. Some nights I would lie in bed and call out his name but no words would come out.  I felt like I was in a room with no ceiling or door.  It had hurtful characters covering the walls and I scratched my way up the wall only to fall back down into the hurtful pit that began to devour me in the first place.   The agony paralyzed me for years.  I just could not take responsibility for my actions. Bitterness  and jealousy impelled me. jealousy  attacked my heart.  It raided my emotions, motivations and relationships.  This can cause an irruption in your relationship with God.

eternal-life-tree     Does God give us more than we can handle?  My answer would be yes.  2 Timothy 3:17 says: It matures me and equips me to be ready for every good work.  Most of us willing to follow our own hearts not God.  Lead your heart to God. The heart can sometimes be untrustworthy.   Our problem might have a redefining purpose. It might hurt so bad that the pain will draw you nearer to God.   We could also be being tested and purified.  Others can see your faith and strength through your distressing times. How are you handling it? It is not up to us to judge what purpose God has laid out .  If it hurts, tell him, cry to him.  He is the only one who knows why trials have crept into our lives.