My Pride and Joy


momI know we all have our own obsessive thoughts, right?  I have been confined to my couch for a good part of a year now with short intervals of my formal life breaking through every now and then.  This year has been filled with many devastating set backs.  Day after day I loathed in sorrow.  I was doing nothing to help my situation.  Then, a really good friend showed me that it was my pride that was getting in the way.  Pride hurts us and it hurts others around us.

We are not gracious or compassionate by nature,  We are jealous and quick to anger.  When life is good we take too much credit.  When life is bad our pride is hurt and we become self-conscious and shameful.  That becomes another way of taking too much credit because God’s will is never wrong.

I have worked diligently through the years in a field that I love. Unfortunately, it was not job description I had always longed for.  My performance reviews showed extremely high ratings and now after 20 years my arrogance finally took me down.  I could not perform the description of what my job entails.  I became depressed and broken.

God hates pride. But,  God also gives us grace and mercy when we are at our worse.  I cried out to him so many times.  Still I never could pick myself up.  I did not get to hear that still small voice that comforts us as we pray.  I was pulling away. I got very angry. But, I realized I wasn’t supposed to pick myself up, …. God was. My friends were so helpful.  People brought food and a lended ear.  But, I was crying out for the wrong reason.  I am arrogant. I want to be the best at whatever I do.  But,that is not what God wants. I feel like I am a burden and my pride doesn’t allow me to fully feel God’s grace and mercy.  My friends were not burdened, they were serving God.

God knows when we genuinely surrender.  He knows our heart and motives.  Pride can take your life.  We are never as bad or good as we think we are.  Surrendering to God while you are still grasping to your pride will not work.  God gives us unconditional love.  The less we credit him the further we pull away.

 

Unfinished Business


English: Souls being led out of Hell by Jesus

Have you ever begun a project that you did not finish?  Life happens right?  As I sit at my desk I am reminded of the multiple tasks still staring me in the face.  What if you have unfinished business with God? When I was sixteen years old, one of my best friends was killed in an accident.  She was thrown from the car and died  immediately.  All  the other passengers survived including 001the driver who was drunk.  The three remaining victims lost a piece of themselves that night.   The seventeen year old driver returned to school with a stigma  that  was unbearable.  In fact, we all returned to school and mourned the loss of our Homecoming Queen.

What happened next, was a media frenzy.  News reports and articles were headline news for a while then we all started to talk about it less often.  Sadly,  this is one of those times that was unfinished.    The bible describes hell for non-believers “as torment with fire and brimstone.”  (Revelations 14:10)  Pure agony.  You cannot revise the outcome.  We don’t know Hell and its accommodations,  but in the bible it is described as eternal loneliness and torture.  We owe this explanation to God.  The Bible has never been wrong.  When we don’t use its context  strictly as our guide for life, we are unfinished. When we rebel against God hell is imminent.  We have our whole lives to choose this gift that could affect our eternal life.

As believers we should rejoice in knowing that we will be free from the torment and pain we have in this life.  Many christians have doubts about what God is bringing into their life.  If you do not repent, this becomes unfinished business.  We are forever changing.  The solid foundation we are set upon should continue to bear fruit.  We will always have unfinished business until we go t heaven.  When we ignore situations and the people involved we miss the opportunity to finish the most important reason God has us here on earth.

Daily Prompt: The Love of Freedom and Faith


           We live in a world of uncertainty.mum 001<!–
We are all free to perform everyday  routines that affect the people around us. Everything we do has an effect on somebody.
I love being able to open the minds of my children that otherwise would have an inverted view of social development. I love them. It is as simple as that. They have unwillingly been my source of strength. Both of my children have difficult, demanding personalities. My oldest child’s entire life has been a struggle. His mind is brilliant but he has developing impulsive, disorganized, forgetful traits are not tolerated in our schools today.  He is kind and loving but, he cannot use compassion as it is intended.

In my darkest days being a Mother was truly a burden on me.  I say that not to hurt anyone but to describe how painful the mistakes I made in his young life, still hurt  in the pit of my family’s heart.  The only deep attention he got was punishment.  Poor Parenting and Teaching obviously made his disorder worse.  But, his condition was genetic and it came from God.  

Faith Happens

We have the freedom to believe in God.  C.S. Lewis said that doubt is not the opposite of faith-it is a necessary ingredient.  If there was no element of doubt, there would be no room for faith.  (It would just be fact).

Most people do not think of faith when they start the car.  We don’t look at our phone as an object of faith.  We turn it on and make a call.  All of the technical stuff is left up to the developers and their genius ideas.  But, we have FAITH that these devices will work.  What about the minds of these children and the lost?  They have no freedom.  To me, faith is my freedom… We need to teach faith differently some times and get into the minds and hearts of all the faith-busting ideas people struggle with today.

Lost and Found


boys 002A  Grandmother Is sitting on the bed of a 10-year-old boy whose father had just left the home due to infidelity.  The boy stood in front of her motionless and emotionally drained.  She asked the boy to close his eyes and think of his father.  After many half-hearted attempts he closed his eyes tight and thought.  Once he had the memory that he cherished the most, she asked him to hold out his arms and grab that memory and pull it tightly to his chest.  The boy did as he was told. With profound concentration, he opened his eyes.  She asked him to hold that memory tight in his hand and put it in the pocket of his cloths.  There the memory would stay.  It would be there for him anytime he needed it.

God made us perfect.  Although, we are all sinners, we are still God’s servants.  and we are instructed to forgive.  No sin has more value than another.  We have all broken the commandments of God at some point in our lives.  Some people are reminded of their sin everyday by the choices they have made.

The most difficult part of life for me is forgiveness.  We work at clearing our heart of all the demons and the people we hurt , but do we really forget?  God’s grace gives us the power to do that.  The bible says, not only does God forgive but he also banishes the memory.  He remembers it no more.  (Isaiah 43:25.)

god

Bitterness and hatred can consume anybody.  We are all born with God’s purpose in mind.  Although the path we choose can be a result of our circumstances,  God has a will for the situation you are in.  Even if the choice you make has brought you down, look up.  Give God’s grace a try.  Forgiveness and repentance are gifts we all have.  Forgive yourself one step at a time……

Maybe a child right now is holding on tight to a memory of you.

I Love You Mom!


"Where there is love there is life."

mom 001Always focus on how far you've come, rather th...mom 001_1How do you know what love is?  Better yet, do you know how to love?  What expectations do you put on the people in your life?  Love can be crazy at times.  I know in my personal life I  can be selfish.   I am not patient and my pride gets in the way of treating people with the unconditional love Christ has shown to us.   It is amazing how events in the early stages of your life can affect how you love and interact with people.  When children are hurt ,  it is usually unexpected.  They are loved by the people closest to them.  The care and nurturing that mold a child is done with love and compassion.  This kind of love is as close to unconditional as Christs’ is to us.  Then here comes life…..I was praying with my oldest child and it had become the daily nighttime nightmare.  Back and forth for one thing or another.  It was just a normal routine that he  learned gave him power.  As the fight was ending he blurted out loudly, I miss my best friend.  Now, I know he has many friends at school and in the neighborhood so this caught me by surprise and I gave into the grandiose thinking.  As  he saw the astonished look on my face  he blurted out …I miss my daddy.  All this time he was trying to fill a hole that I was not able to give him.  As mother’s we try to fix life.  But,  I was starting him on a path of destruction. As adults we fill with anything we can.

He has not seen or talked to his father for about 4 years.  There are many details to this part.  I have sheltered him from most of the circumstances around that time.  I had to go down this path for many reasons.  It is amazing what Mother’s will go through to raise a child that only wants the love of the absent parent.  Single Mother‘s have a very powerful role and will never fill the gap.  They  have the power to steer their children in a way that even though there is an emotional hole,  we can teach them to fill it with memories or anything powerful for them.  The pain is still real but if we give them a chance to fill it with what they want, they will learn to work out these emotions before it becomes a part of their personality as an adult.

My children are impulsive. They are sensitive to touch and noise.  They can go into major bouts of tantrums.  But giving them the resources to understand such a simple, direct reason for their pain gives them alternatives for handling their anger.

My Mother raised four girls.  We were all at different places at the time of the divorce.  Take time to talk to your child.  Never assume their circumstance isn’t affecting them.  My sisters and I all grew emotionally different.  I only know this because I went for years not knowing why the pain always came back to me.  All the time I spent in the dark, she never let go of me.

The Better to see you With….


This Gift (song)

In my family there are four daughters. Although we loved each other very much, all of your imperfections were pointed out to you. This would happen often.  That is what girls do when they fight.  We had many nicknames for each other.  Mine was buck tooth, bed head, snaggle pig.  My older sister was responsible for that one.  I don’t know what a snaggle pig is but she sure enjoyed saying it.  We traveled a lot, just Mom and the girls so, we were always in the car.  I had a hard time reading street signs and my punctuation of words became an ongoing joke.  So, when the daily post prompted us to share our imperfections …..and cherish them, of course I went back to my childhood.  But, there is one imperfection I owned that was granted a pardon.  I sleep with my eyes half-open.  They say there is a medical reason for this but it allowed me to freak people out, and that was a beautiful gift to have in my position of the family heirocracy.  Oh, and let me mention my son has this imperfect gift also.  So, watching him sleep soundly I get to see his beautiful eyes and enjoy him in  his peaceful slumber.

The November Magic that Started it All


English: Resurrection of Christ

My oldest child was born late in 2001.  I knew that day was  special  because it was snowing.  Living in Texas does not allow that unbearable, frigid temperature to become a nuisance as it does to my northern neighbors.  It is a treat that brings our children great pleasure.  So in late November my perfect baby was born as the snow fell just enough on the cars outside to let us write his arrival in the snow.  Three weeks after his birth my life was changed forever.

As we celebrate Easter, why should we get excited?  I think it is essential because it offers hope and guidance as to why we are here.  The first Easter baskets were filled with eggs for prosperity, horseradish for bitterness, salt, ham and bread to remind us of how Jesus used it to feed the multitudes.  The resurrection brings us hope .  Sin would become victorious in men.  Eternal punishment would be all we would have to look forward to.  Our lives would be pitiful.  If you consider all the other leaders, and prophets this world has seen consider why it is that we can consume their bodies and prove that they are still in their resting places.  They have not risen as Christ has.  Jesus promises to come to get his harvest and fruit.  One day we will be redeemed with victory over death.  We know this because Jesus’ body has risen!  The rock was rolled away to prove the tomb’s emptiness.

Pain is a powerful thing.  No one can judge you in this world!  It is not our right.  We continue to penalize ourself but Jesus has already paid our price.  Your physical pain can continue and the emptiness and sadness might  be overwhelming.  You might feel so battered and bruised that you cannot feel anything past this very second of your life.  Your grief can consume you so much that as you try to scream out for something, you cannot make sound come out of your mouth,  You are paralyzed with pain.  Life consumes you.  But, we do not live for this life.  Cry out to God in any way you can.  He hears all prayers.  Be still and be quiet and I promise peach will come to you.  God will give you your direction.  I challenge you to look at your life.  Is there a part of yourself that you could give up?  Could you give your life to someone who has had his ripped from him?

Easter eggs // Ostereier

I started this story with my son’s birth.  I want to tell you why over the last 11 years the place I stand  now is very dear to me and I do not want to take what I have been given for granted.  He was three weeks old when I drove my car into a concrete barrier.  I am sorry I do not remember the various details.  I remember complete darkness and silence.  Suddenly, a light consumed my face.  I started to walk down the road very dazed and confused.  But still complete silence and an overwhelming effervescence of light.   A truck driver appeared.  He was talking to me but I don’t remember what he was saying.  Then, a feeling of complete horror came over me.  My baby.  I had my baby in the car!  Where was he?  He was not crying.  The look on the man’s face turned to complete agony.  He ran back to my car.  I was still dazed and confused.  He found my child lying on the back seat beside his car seat.  There was glass all around him but it was like he had been placed gently down on the seat. He had been  protected as he was thrown around in the car and it rolled to a stop.   What else can I say.  He was perfect.  He was protected.  As we all are. Sometimes we get the chance to see it clearer. What I did not say was my life didn’t become perfect.  The trials actually got worse.  But, life does that.   Love God and please don’t give up. You are welcome to share with me.

Toothfairy, How much for a Molar?


Tooth fairy

Tooth fairy (Photo credit: aaipodpics)

English: A Snickers candy bar, broken in half.

English: A Snickers candy bar, broken in half. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Rewards have become the result of our self-serving nature. The entitlement  my children display after one of their crimes has been committed, definitely shows me that they use it freely as part of a

maneuver tactic when they dart around defensive explanations.  I mean don’t you think everyone is entitled to a candy bar because they HAD to go to the store with  their mother, the one who makes lunches and the one that would be blamed if I bought the wrong kind of chips if I had gone alone.

Do you remember when your child’s nature first reared its ugly head?  Did your beautiful bundle of joy cry when they needed something.  Of course, as parents the next step is to center the attention around their child.  To keep the peace and harmony in the house we subconsciously became the sole servant who taught this child how to communicate using rewards to get what he wanted.  In the bible, we are all born sinners.  The bible also teaches us to raise up our children with love and powerful discipline.

I was going through some papers and I came across a note my child wrote to the tooth fairy.  It says:

Just leave the money on my dresser.  Please

signed:  K (nickname of course)

P.S.  Keep in touch!

Entitlement at its finest!

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

I Need a Little Inspiration


God Love Her

God Love Her (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

HI!  How are you?  I’m good.  I bet we all have answered that response more times than we can count.  What about our children?  As parents we except that generic response from them when they get home because  as   adults we want to protect their world but not exclude future conversation.   I think this may cause emotions which could damage our relationship. Over time in any family, faulty thinking is becoming a distorted view of perception.  We ALL believe what we think.  This could cause a faulty way of seeing things.  This conflict over time could then turn into a belief and this causes lifelong feuds in many families.  We hold on to the anger unwillingly and our relationships remain broken.  Sometimes for years.  These types of relationships trickle down from generation to generation.

My inspiration right now is coming from my children.  They have lived with my illness for as long as they can remember.  I know they are hurting.  They are remarkably strong.  Confronting painful questions and seeing me sick has rendered me helpless.  I feel very alone as everyone goes about their day.  The laughter and joy do not run as deep in the house as it did once before.  But, I want to share a letter written by one of my boys:

Dear Mom,

I’m really sorry that we don’t respect you the way we should.  I love you and your my parent.  I should treat you with more respect. I know you are sick and it’s not your fault you have lupus and infections.  I try to help you and comfort you.  The last thing is that I love you!

These are supernatural words of wisdom.  As I pray daily it is your voice that comforts me.     God, thank you for allowing me to be your child and given me ears to hear.  wherever we are today God is there to help us.  God’s dear presence will rekindle the fire of hope in our hearts.

I am going through some emptiness and anger.  For so long I didn’t care for someone to get close to me.  It is hard to step out of the darkness. But step by step we can walk in God’s love. If others can learn from my mistake it may save them from the pain.  Please be encouraged. It’s better to love and support what others are doing than what we are doing ourselves.