Alone in a Normal World

A barking dog, the hum of a tractor, a basketball pounding the pavement……all the typical noises of a traditional Sunday afternoon.  My husband is making his famous soup trying to cure the house of the illness running rampant through it.  But, I still feel alone.  Even around the people I love the detachment I feel causes me panic and restlessness.  On the outside people who know me see that something is wrong.  On the inside nobody could imagine the monstrosity that rips through my body. Distress creeps through my blood. I begin to dread the restlessness and panic that shiver down my spine.  Misery is now trapped in my body and even my sweat is full of panic.

My son sits beside me on the couch smiling and showing me his loose tooth.  Captain America is getting his fish tank cleaned. But I still feel alone.

It is a sad place to be when you feel like there is something missing. There is a place inside that is hollow. Where is that place?  That dark, empty, hole that erupts so viciously but then quickly simmers down so silent I can not find where it has gone.  What does it need?  It taunts me from the dark but why won’t it talk to me?  As soon as I can fill this emptiness it desires more.  This craving has become a part of me.A frightened woman strapped onto a plane


Surviving an Unseen Battle

Smiling_old_ladyA fragile, aging, petite woman just came to check on me and left my couch with a slight smile and “the look”. She is the most powerful person I know. She does not have social status or great wealth but she has a heart that you do not want to disappoint.  I love to have the company but only for a short time.  I am an addict.  It hurts to be around people and to  pretend to be someone I am not.  I have battled drugs for many years. I have also been sober for many years.  What I want to talk about today is my relapse into prescription medication. The tonic transfusion that has taken over my body was actually a concoction by my rheumatologist who eventually sent me to a pain doctor.  This is where life became jumbled. My entire spirit and individuality changed.  I was very satisfied at first but then I needed more medication to maintain my pain-free status.  I started to take more pills and began to run out before my prescription was ready.  Every month there would be some sort of withdrawal which is rigorous and cruel.  I have Lupus so some of the symptoms overlap and you feel like you are having a flare every month.  I sit here like a sad little girl with no direction. I am so powerless and angry. The drugs push me down deeper and deeper and I can see no way out.  I abruptly have to climb out of this madness. friendship-28a

How do we escape bondage and begin to move toward freedom in those sinful areas of our life?  Well, I don’t know.  You can read books, seminars or even listen to the doctors.  I am here to tell you only you can do it.  So many things in this life overshadow our godly hearts and minds but he is the only one who can take this pain away.  I still need some of the drugs and I fight everyday to stay strong.  But honestly I do not do a good job at it.  Living with a drug problem and a chronic illness I have to choose to take only the minimum amount of drugs to keep my disease in place.  If you are going through this, I wish you could fight with me.  We all need to hear someone’s story.

I’m Slowly Giving Up


the tide of hopelessness4I wrote yesterday about my emotions being locked inside my head and I was unable to free them.  This began a cycle of emotional mayhem.  When I am overwhelmed I sit transfixed as if I am dazed and I cannot properly engage.


When a rush of emotion hits me I cannot process them individually.  The sadness and the catatonic state are the only way I can react.  I try  to change my disposition  but I cannot pull myself out of it.  In my relationships this causes a collision when I go in to conflict. It pulls at all the stages of emotions and while my partner can easily negotiate his way through I am stuck in one pattern.  In the rejoiced moments I am unable to feel delighted.


These stages bring a heightened sense of perception.  We all walk through life with affiance.  We have commitments and obligations.  There is always a seemingly normal breach of these engagements.  To me these unfulfilled promises bring hopelessness.  These patterns of broken expectations bring a heightened sense of disappointment to me.  I in turn break engagements and unfufill promises to those I love.  This is not intentional but my misery will not let me go to those who would comfort me.  All I see after these broken patterns is hopelessness.  There is nothing to anticipate.  I feel alone even though the slightest smile from a stranger could comfort me if I let them.


I can’t. I cannot get rid of the hopelessness I hold now.  These bring fits of rage and sorrow.I do not know what my dreams are.  I cannot describe any ambitions.  I do not know what makes me happy.  The depression from life events that people can internalize overloads me. I am afraid to write about this.  I am afraid I may lose friends but, I need you to see me as I am.hopelessness



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Anger begins when it is silent…Nobody is around. When I am left unattended with my thoughts, my annoyance leaves me disturbed.  According to psychologists, being alone is used to motivate a person to seek social connections.  What if those social connections are the cause of defeatism?  These unreliable people bring up their idealistic insignificant frustrations and as matrons we are compelled to respond.

Psychologist say that an angry person can lose his objective observality. I disagree.  The diversiviolent behavior can retract the most agonizing memories and form a vexatious psyche.  It can provoke and threaten an imagination that manipulates social survival.  It can criticise and pull you down into an emotional blackmail.

In the psyche of an angelical, celestial servant, anger could seem as a holy, radiant and untainted emotion. Anger is not innocent but we can be prayerful and revered as a saintly sanctification in this irreverent world.


A Thief is Still a Thief…

The cunning thief

     A thief is thief. A thief is still a thief until he stops stealing, gets a job and give back. God uses human angels to bring comfort to those around us. I walked into church this morning after many weeks of medical trials and I felt the euphoria I had so missed instantly transform my shell and overflow in places that have been hidden for so long.
We began in 2 Corinthians: 5-7. In fact, when we came into Macedonia, we had no rest. Instead, we were troubled in every way; confliction on the outside, fears on the inside. But God, who comforts the humble, comforted us by the arrival of Titus and not only by his arrival, but also by the comfort he received from you. He told us about your deep longing, your sorrow, and your zeal for me and I rejoiced even more. In the translation paragraph at the bottom of the page was the Greek root word Lupe describing Paul’s writings. I felt God’s faithful wink as to say I have seen your lupe: pain, grief, sorrow. That simple word that can cause such grief, reminded me that I was not doing this by myself. Paul also used the word to explain Christian giving should not be motivated by regret (lupe) but by a cheerful heart. I have been surrounded by many words and praises but as I saw my husband and children continuing their walk with God I knew I had an emptiness that nothing could fill. The Christian walk is so much more than sitting in church. We have an obligation beyond anything we could give ourselves.

Unfinished Business

English: Souls being led out of Hell by Jesus

Have you ever begun a project that you did not finish?  Life happens right?  As I sit at my desk I am reminded of the multiple tasks still staring me in the face.  What if you have unfinished business with God? When I was sixteen years old, one of my best friends was killed in an accident.  She was thrown from the car and died  immediately.  All  the other passengers survived including 001the driver who was drunk.  The three remaining victims lost a piece of themselves that night.   The seventeen year old driver returned to school with a stigma  that  was unbearable.  In fact, we all returned to school and mourned the loss of our Homecoming Queen.

What happened next, was a media frenzy.  News reports and articles were headline news for a while then we all started to talk about it less often.  Sadly,  this is one of those times that was unfinished.    The bible describes hell for non-believers “as torment with fire and brimstone.”  (Revelations 14:10)  Pure agony.  You cannot revise the outcome.  We don’t know Hell and its accommodations,  but in the bible it is described as eternal loneliness and torture.  We owe this explanation to God.  The Bible has never been wrong.  When we don’t use its context  strictly as our guide for life, we are unfinished. When we rebel against God hell is imminent.  We have our whole lives to choose this gift that could affect our eternal life.

As believers we should rejoice in knowing that we will be free from the torment and pain we have in this life.  Many christians have doubts about what God is bringing into their life.  If you do not repent, this becomes unfinished business.  We are forever changing.  The solid foundation we are set upon should continue to bear fruit.  We will always have unfinished business until we go t heaven.  When we ignore situations and the people involved we miss the opportunity to finish the most important reason God has us here on earth.