I’m Slowly Giving Up


 

the tide of hopelessness4I wrote yesterday about my emotions being locked inside my head and I was unable to free them.  This began a cycle of emotional mayhem.  When I am overwhelmed I sit transfixed as if I am dazed and I cannot properly engage.

 

When a rush of emotion hits me I cannot process them individually.  The sadness and the catatonic state are the only way I can react.  I try  to change my disposition  but I cannot pull myself out of it.  In my relationships this causes a collision when I go in to conflict. It pulls at all the stages of emotions and while my partner can easily negotiate his way through I am stuck in one pattern.  In the rejoiced moments I am unable to feel delighted.

 

These stages bring a heightened sense of perception.  We all walk through life with affiance.  We have commitments and obligations.  There is always a seemingly normal breach of these engagements.  To me these unfulfilled promises bring hopelessness.  These patterns of broken expectations bring a heightened sense of disappointment to me.  I in turn break engagements and unfufill promises to those I love.  This is not intentional but my misery will not let me go to those who would comfort me.  All I see after these broken patterns is hopelessness.  There is nothing to anticipate.  I feel alone even though the slightest smile from a stranger could comfort me if I let them.

 

I can’t. I cannot get rid of the hopelessness I hold now.  These bring fits of rage and sorrow.I do not know what my dreams are.  I cannot describe any ambitions.  I do not know what makes me happy.  The depression from life events that people can internalize overloads me. I am afraid to write about this.  I am afraid I may lose friends but, I need you to see me as I am.hopelessness

 

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