Help, I am Drowning in Boys


Have you ever googled you name?  It gets a little scary.  Oh yes….a lot of those Facebook images and some of the ones you forgot about are sitting right there with those lovely starlets whose name you are lucky enough to have a piece of.  There they are in their galligaskins (fancy word for leather leggings) and there you are in your flower one piece you wore to the hot tub in Colorado.  Oh, those were the days.293092_178196015672367_261588333_n

…It is a typical Saturday around here. My husband is actually at work which does not happen often on a Saturday.  Our roof has been blown half off by a wind storm. But, we have had many kind drivers  stop to tell us our unfortunate news. One of my children has a huge knot on his leg and has not been able to move it.  I been the fill-in and have played xbox,cleaned the dog (you know what) and now we are watching a movie but, soon the pile of dishes in the sink will have to be done because I can’t find my sponge unfortunately, I know exactly where it is.

  My eldest child is at least outside with all the other 10 boys in the neighborhood being a navy seal.  All of the freshly ploughed dirt and new houses make for a great playground.  The only problem is there is a gun jam about every five minutes so I guess you could add  gunsmith to my line of duties.

I thought today I would write about a typical day but unfortunately I am not content with typical days.  I am angry at my circumstances but I must remember that every circumstance that touches our lives must first come through God’s hands.  His fingers of love are part of a great plan that he has established for our lives.

Whisper to Jesus for Comfort and Strength and Bedhlam Will Show Your Spirit


jpg-creativity-is-so-delicate-a-flower-that-praise-tends-to-make-it-bloom-while-discouragement-often-nips-it-in-the-bud-samuel-bJames 3:5 says, “The tongue is a small thing but what enormous damage it can do.”Children live in deep un conscious unity with their parents.  They may be able to feel a parent’s emotions and moods before they are expressed. When a parent develops setbacks, these can cause great discouragement to the child. disasters and obstacles can control the leadership of the family eventually sowing a seed in the child’s behaviour.  Beliefs produce that behavior. This initiates us to believe the things that are not true. This control produces sinful behavior and every act of sin in our lives begins with a lie.

Children have the biggest hearts. They do not use lies as opportunities. Their devotion and tender prayers are so simple and free from judgement.  Why can’t we love like that?

God’s  compassion changes everyday.  It becomes new and fresh.  But what if God turned the tables and offered us no compassion?  When we asked for forgiveness what if he said no?  When we asked for a helping hand, and he said he did not have time.?. Many people are unaware that this behavior consumes their heart.  Many days I am an empty shell in need of a loving hand to feel around me.  I feel if I make one more mistake I could easily stay this way. I am truly powerless but how do you become powerful when its hard to think straight?rf_detail_227_0

We can never know exactly what we will face each day .  But we need to dressed for the fight.  Before rising, let prayer be your protection. In these times we all need a saving grace who can provide comfort,hope and strength.

What is the Name of your Pillow Pet?


freedom_isnt_free_pillow-r335e46980d24447bb5b0106e569996a2_i52ni_8byvr_324Well I want to talk today about a pillow epilogue.  We all privately talk about it in our quiet haven but it usually does not become a source of  theatrical agony.  We had a friend staying with us for a few nights.  He took one of the boys rooms and so a jolt of anguish immediately overtook my emotional emphatic child who was forced to share a room with his brother.  You see we also took one of his pillows.  The one he puts in between his legs.  We have couch pillows and pillow pets but they were not his traditional pillow.  We needed to use his for our guests.  We went through a complete meltdown before I finally left the room completely exhausted and sick at heart.  About 30 minutes later I went in to check on him and he was sitting in the same position with the same somber look.  I sat with him and found out the main reason for the meltdown was he gets bruises on his knees if he doesn’t have a pillow.  How do I explain to a child who sees life through his own needs and desires that there are other simple ways to fix a pickle? At !0:00 at night there isn’t.  We laid his head down and he finally closed his eyes.boy-resting-his-head-pillow-12073399

But, where do those emotions go?  He did not get to let them out.  How can he continue to live inside of his own head and not feel overwhelmed.  I want to know what to do about it when we do talk. How can we describe our feelings and have a release of despondency?  How does he feel about my Lupus and watching me change day after day?  I am not okay with just explaining my symptoms and living this life.  He is described as having a mental illness.  No matter how you try to get around it, you can’t.  Even your family cannot be truly honest with you having  astigmatism like that.  When he is mad it is not always because he is erratic. It is a real emotion focused on his judgement.  How can we help?  We could possibly slant our point of view  and become nonpartisan to the simple pillow problems.  He got through the night now I just need him to get through the emotions.

Mr. Clean-I Need Help With Some Tough Love


A metallic chain with an explosed link.“Don’t just pretend to love others.  Really love them.  Hate what is wrong”(Romans 12:9).  Why is it so hard to love some people?  My mother-in-law, the one who gives me a pounding headache.  The one who has the un official authority to say and do anything was ringing the doorbell at my own humble house.  I could hear her come in and I smelled the spring air fly through the house like a wave of sweetness.  I heard her uneven steps as she navigated over the things on the floor.  As I began to apologize for the jeans hanging on the back of the chairs and the shoes scattered around, I forgot about the dishes in the sink.  I quickly tried to make it to the sink without her realizing what I was about to do.  Her laughter filled the house as the hot water bubbled up and over  the soap-filled dish pan.  She put her arm around me and reminded me her house was not always perfect.  It certainly did not make her a failure as a mother. And she said,” I don’t think that of you.”  There is an admiration that comes after we have tried to do another persons job.

When I was a child everything I did had to be perfect.  The anxiety that led up to an event was gut wrenching.  I did not want ny father to make fun of me or talk down to me.  It was my sport and I was sure I knew what I was doing.  But I was so used to it.  Did he ever tell me good job?  I can’t remember.  I am sure at times he did.  Even now I am the last one out of four girls that he calls if something happens…good or bad.  is he embarrassed of me.  Does he not trust me?  After my introduction to my wild side that REALLY changed things. He did not trust my professional opinion or ask for advise on anything.  I always got a lecture on why I needed help or money.  There was always a fight. He always had to tell me what I was doing wrong. Not in a good learning experience, but  a bad hurtful one.  I loved him but now I don’t want to be around him.  I needed him.  Not to fight, not for him to dominate the conversation but to teach me, to love me. Was I a disappointment?  Is that why I am not good at much?  Am I teaching my kids that?   Am I raising my kids wrong.  That is the opinion I get from him.. Why does he hate me so much?  How do i break the cycle.  Is this why I feel so guilty after I know that I have done some thing wrong? It is  like I can never get it back.  It will never disappear and it leaves me with a big gushing hole in my heart. Is this why I can’t forgive?  It is a horrible feeling to feel as though you are not good at the things a parent expects you to be.  love-god-and-your-neighbor_21162404

As I go through my seasons I have to remember that God commanded us to love our enemies .  I pray that he will teach me how to love difficult people.

Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable


friendship-32vWhy is depression so hard? It arrises when the truth is not real. It is when you are alone with yourself and you do not like who you are. It is when the weight of the world tumults down on you and the innermost fragments of your head is so broken you do not know how to fix it. All of your emotions are blurred in a big bubble and everything you feel gets stuck together. You cannot differentiate between happiness and sadness. It is a massive sentiment that lingers until one by one the bubbles burst and a revelation unfolds to reveal whatever emotion stands strong that day.

These monsters.  Do you mock in that delight? One more day you have my mind and my heart. To live where every step becomes so much to bear. But God keeps me here. There must be a reason I am so weak?  I have no one who could understand and I am not strong enough to do this by myself. So, I sit here and I hope God is listening.

You know what feels the worst is knowing that you have screwed up your life. I will never have any opportunities to excel at the gifts I was given. I ruined them.. there is no way to get them back.. I want to be a good person but as a mother there is always something to do, fix or make.
But then all of that changed.  I began to yell at the boys for fighting over the XBox because someone was in someone elses room.  I threw up my hands in disgust.  I sat on the couch and put my face in my hands.  The boys quickly came in and in their most serious voice asked me why I was so sad.  I don’t know I said I guess I just need extra special love from you now. They brought me a pillow, propped up my feet, brought me my water and with a big hug told me thank you for doing this for us every night.  002

Nobody knows the struggle I am going through. But It can never be too late to excel at the gifts God has given you. Will it help to talk about my past? Will it help to talk about all the wrong in my life? I like to see stories of recovery don’t get me wrong but I hate to hear condescending people who think they could never go back to being a user. Watch yourself because you will fall again. A changed life gets a person’s attention every time. (Liz Curtis Higgins)

Sweet Dreams are Made of This


Molecular Thoughts What do the children see?

       A shaggy blonde boy with dirty fingernails and huge bright blue eyes smiling as he is making a hotdog.  His parents are yelling in the background over misbehaviour by another child.  He deflects this screaming and runs out to join his friends who are waiting outside to play.  Children begin to develop road maps in the brain.  Patterns they embed to help them feel safe in times of trauma.  These safe places become a place to hide. Children begin to stop questioning and growing because they run to their safe place which offers no way for them to express their own views or ask questions.  The children finally separate.  They learn no one is in control.  The parent’s Clip Art Illustration of a Little Boy Holding a Bowl of Soupauthority and credibility are now  threatened. 

  What do the children see?

      In school we teach children answers to questions with questions.  We are taught to criticize books and research.  Criticism becomes the center of learning in their educational world.  They become very skilled at it.  Therefore as a teen we criticize everything and criticism becomes a way of finding answers and questioning beliefs.  But on this thin line is also cynicism.  It draws conclusions but it trashes beliefs.  We must keep them questioning and thinking.  Performance is empowering  and they must be encouraged to express their own views so their fears are  numerous but warranted.

What do the children see?

In Nick Pollard’s book, “Why do they do That”, he talks about the parallels of drugs and pain.  We all reach for the Tylenol or heroin in some cases,  but when it wears off the pain is greater.  Many will try other ways that don’t work.  The pain remains and grows.  It is much like emotional pain that cannot be taken away by itself.  It can be scary and lead to a downward spiral.  We must teach our children that all pain cannot be taken away.  They must live through it to grow, thrive and transform.

What do I want my children to see?

A love so deep that even in silence they can still hear my voice.  I would love to hear your reaction or responses.  Please let me know what you think.

Asperger’s Attributes-The Good, The Bad and The Ugly


lego_pile     When you have Asperger’s  you wake up every morning in a strange new world.  You scan your room to make sure  you still have four pillows. You look to see if  your books are stacked neatly the way you left them.  Your  lampshade is tilted just enough to shine the light at the bedroom door.  Your cars  you lined up on the window sill are now neatly put in your blue bucket not the red one because that one is for your legos.  Ok, it is now safe to climb out of bed. toycarblog I watch Caleb walk over the dirty cloths and miscellaneous toys to go to the bathroom. It is the one certainty in the morning.  He has lists in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen to help him get ready and prepare him to leave at a certain time. His head stills spins widely out of control.  We pick out his cloths the night before but he still forgets to change his underwear. The first time I told him to put on deodorant he proceeded to rub it on his entire body, face and all.  He has a bucket with deodorant in it but he doesn’t remember to put it on.  He has to make his bed but he forgets.  Since he has already checked his pillows, to him his bed is complete.  He has to pick up his room but he only sees his buckets are in order and lined up.  He does not see the trash and cloths that I see.  He forgets to brush his teeth so we have a toothbrush in the kitchen so it will remind him.    

Being an Asperger’s mother makes me proud.  I love his attention to detail.  I love that he puts all of his energy into something he is passionate about.  But with the teenage years creeping up on me,  new problems are now arising. He has learned hopelessness. He lacks self-confidence and is beginning to act out. He has developed poor problem solving characteristics because he can’t handle situations.  He has to be taught through every problem.  He needs to know how to handle it and work through it so he can function with confidence and competency.

These children do not have a choice.  We are their voices.  At times they are truly victims of their circumstances.  We are so tempted to lose our patience.  But, to have mercy we need to have mercy on ourselves.  All they need is encouragement and the love to persevere in any situation.dvbrokenheart

Daily Prompt: Attacked by Outside Forces


surviving-lupus.gif (311×131) Lupus is one of the most cryptic, mystifying  diseases on the planet.  As a wife and mother I get up every morning to car pools and breakfast and plan my day around doing cloths and arranging dinner.  The rest of the day, the part nobody sees, is sweatpants, naps and Netflix.  The hardest part of lupus to me is having to explain to someone what it is.  Lupus is so different for so many people.  But as most of us know, I don’t look sick on the outside but my body is at war on the inside.Sunset_2007-1

I remember as a child the severe leg cramps.  I remember getting burnt too many times at the beach and winding up with blisters on my lips.  I remember the mouth sores and being so tired some days that I could sleep forever!  But I was a teenager.  I lived in Florida.  I was a swimmer, cheerleader, lifeguard, well and just plain busy.  I had a convertible and I loathed in the sun for that perfect tan so I never protected my face.  The one thing I  did not think about was the photosensitivity to my eyes.  We did not have computers when I was a teen but now if I write to long my fore flare begins.

My ten-year old has started to produce the same symptoms I had as a little girl.  He has leg cramps and if he goes outside for any length of time his face flares so bad it looks like a second degree sunburn.  unfortunately for him the number one cause of his fore flare is his gaming systems. If he plays to long he pops up with a nasty butterfly rash.  A friend told me about Gunnar glasses from amazon.com.  They will protect him from computer vision syndrome and cut back on the ugliness of the disease.  I have not tried these yet but, I am very interested to see if they work.cartoon-boy-playing-hand-held-computer-gamer-19756498

Maybe that is why Lupus is so relentless.  The outside wonders of the world, the vitamin D & C which claim to help depression and give you the boost you need are the very things that make me so sick.  The entire atmosphere can bombard my body. So if you see that nice tan glow that makes us look healthy just remember it makes us feel horrendous and scared that at any minute we could feel the wrath of the warm, glowing sun.

Haunted Houses


Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts. Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North

I look at this house and see the western sun filling the windows with a warm amber glow.  I see the loving family embracing the children running in and out.  I also see the family very rich in love while only providing the bare necessities of life.  My 10 yr old sees sadness.  He cannot see passed the dilapidated house with no windows whose previous owners cold not have enjoyed the supplementals of life.

How could I as a mother have failed so much?  I thought I had taught my children about selfishness, and having a proper attitude.  Not to see things from the outside in but to look at a person’s heart to find their true identity.  I write this as I hear my boys fighting in the next room as they are playing on their newest hankering, their “precious”.  My husband calls the xbox the “precious” because if left up to them, my boys would play on it day and night.  They began to plan their days around it.  If I call them for dinner they eat as if they are mesmerized by the hum of the power button in the next room.

I begin to think though why not love this game?  My son does not have to change who he is to play it.  He does not have to please a loving member of the family so that he can hear them say I love you.  He does not have to face the pain and rejections that occur when we are around family that may not have the patience to see him for who he really is. He sees this old house as a self-portrait.  A strong sturdy shell but hollow inside.

My job seems to be a little harder at times.  Every day is a challenge to keep him from slipping into a depression that others see as controlling and demanding. It hurts to be alone. It also hurts to walk into the lion’s den.  Imagine the fear he feels not being able to spend time with family because he is afraid of what might be said to him.  My younger son just knows that something is not right.  But each of them know about sharing and love.  We have a unofficial cookie ministry for their friends.  If someone is sick or in need, we bake.  I have one that cooks and one that gives them out.  I truly have the best of both houses.

Plane Crash


god us air jet hudson river cartoon  Plane Crash. Bags flying everywhere.  The captain standing at the front of the plane telling jokes in his Dallas cowboys pajamas.  What a vivid imagination for a 10-year-old flying by himself.  Through the eyes of a child life seems so unbalanced.  These mystical experiences can seem so dangerous but, are they?

As a child our perspective is simple.  It is life that messes it up. There is an intimate purity and love that can only be seen through a child’s eyes.  At this time of year lights sparkle. Neighbors and friends give out cookies and cards. So why as adults are we so dismal?  We are reminded of the loss in our lives.  We try to replay the past holidays as if we can perfect the details of those gingerbread treasures.

We also hear the story of the birth a baby born to a virgin that ultimately grows up to die in a tremulous way.  This story can be frightening for a child who hasn’t learned the power of sinful forgiveness.  But he shines in everyone.  He gives these little ones companionship and virtues.  His intimacy guides them through experiences no mortal influence could.1470389_10151684512871735_259634300_n

Your substances belong to Jesus.  Let no one defeat you… “little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong”.