A fragile, aging, petite woman just came to check on me and left my couch with a slight smile and “the look”. She is the most powerful person I know. She does not have social status or great wealth but she has a heart that you do not want to disappoint. I love to have the company but only for a short time. I am an addict. It hurts to be around people and to pretend to be someone I am not. I have battled drugs for many years. I have also been sober for many years. What I want to talk about today is my relapse into prescription medication. The tonic transfusion that has taken over my body was actually a concoction by my rheumatologist who eventually sent me to a pain doctor. This is where life became jumbled. My entire spirit and individuality changed. I was very satisfied at first but then I needed more medication to maintain my pain-free status. I started to take more pills and began to run out before my prescription was ready. Every month there would be some sort of withdrawal which is rigorous and cruel. I have Lupus so some of the symptoms overlap and you feel like you are having a flare every month. I sit here like a sad little girl with no direction. I am so powerless and angry. The drugs push me down deeper and deeper and I can see no way out. I abruptly have to climb out of this madness.
How do we escape bondage and begin to move toward freedom in those sinful areas of our life? Well, I don’t know. You can read books, seminars or even listen to the doctors. I am here to tell you only you can do it. So many things in this life overshadow our godly hearts and minds but he is the only one who can take this pain away. I still need some of the drugs and I fight everyday to stay strong. But honestly I do not do a good job at it. Living with a drug problem and a chronic illness I have to choose to take only the minimum amount of drugs to keep my disease in place. If you are going through this, I wish you could fight with me. We all need to hear someone’s story.
We are but dust-born into a physical body that has already “fallen” and prone to cause problems for the soul.(PS.103:14).
It has been a while since I have discussed the brutal impact Lupus has habitually interfered with during my life. Today has been a total breakdown and I stayed in bed for most of it. Why the sadness infringes on my plans, I don’t know. My last infection, about 3 weeks ago left me with 2 weeks of antibiotics. I thought I was in the clear but redness hit my face and neck like supersonic colors. Of course I got my fever blister and only a little sore in my mouth but nothing like usual. My legs and ankles have become so inflated at times I can barely walk. I do have my special shoes but they are so decrepid I can’t even go to the mailbox in them. So embarrassing but I love them! My main concern now is my lungs. I am very short of breath and my inhaler just is not cutting it.
I am sorry for anyone going through any chronic illness. People will never know the sadness that everyday brings. Some days are so unbearable I can’t even put it into words. The people in our life have to continue their routine obligations so the sadness and guilt become overwhelming. You hurt so bad that your focus on God can quickly disappear and allow the enemy to move right in. I get fearful at times when I am alone. I worry about the future and I can quickly feel my mood change. I fear that I do not love this person that I see. I feel shame for some of the failures in my life. But God sees a desire to love us through our shame and guilt. But, I feel guilt and shame for not always remembering that. Hang tight you tenacious strong survivors. I love you all.
James 3:5 says, “The tongue is a small thing but what enormous damage it can do.”Children live in deep un conscious unity with their parents. They may be able to feel a parent’s emotions and moods before they are expressed. When a parent develops setbacks, these can cause great discouragement to the child. disasters and obstacles can control the leadership of the family eventually sowing a seed in the child’s behaviour. Beliefs produce that behavior. This initiates us to believe the things that are not true. This control produces sinful behavior and every act of sin in our lives begins with a lie.
Children have the biggest hearts. They do not use lies as opportunities. Their devotion and tender prayers are so simple and free from judgement. Why can’t we love like that?
God’s compassion changes everyday. It becomes new and fresh. But what if God turned the tables and offered us no compassion? When we asked for forgiveness what if he said no? When we asked for a helping hand, and he said he did not have time.?. Many people are unaware that this behavior consumes their heart. Many days I am an empty shell in need of a loving hand to feel around me. I feel if I make one more mistake I could easily stay this way. I am truly powerless but how do you become powerful when its hard to think straight?
We can never know exactly what we will face each day . But we need to dressed for the fight. Before rising, let prayer be your protection. In these times we all need a saving grace who can provide comfort,hope and strength.
Lupus or any chronic illness can bring about an array of emotions that can occur in any order and lasts until God gives you the courage to move on to the next phase. He knows when we focus on his work in our life , we’ll discover our spirit and courage to react to the life-altering event we have been assigned to.
1. Denial-Don’t give into fear, but break its hold through scripture. Our willingness to obey is a key to answered prayer. Instead of denial, if we demonstrate thankfulness in harsh circumstances, other people may see our response. The people in our life will want the peace they see within us for themselves.
2. Anger-This can ruin relationships and make it difficult for a person to move forward in life. It is a painful storm of resentment that will always block our path to righteousness. This is a hard one but, rejoice in the fact today that God is giving ou this opportunity to give him glory.
3. Bargaining-This is a negotiation for extended time. We must realize the first rule of warfare is to know one’s enemy. Through God we can conquer Satan and win our unseen battles. The combined forces of hell cannot equal the supernatural forces of a single believer. To me, bargaining tries to defy logic. We just need to believe and praise the Lord.
4. Depression This is an unbelievable force that can be the toughest stage to go through. I seem to keep coming back to this process over and over. We are to fix our gaze on the Saviour, and let his joy become yours. With so much out of our control , it is such a relief that we are called to get our joy from the Lord. Depression can become a major stumbling block. Do not give in to fear but live in confidence. Lean on your relationships but process your feelings and brace yourself for God’s grace.
5. Acceptance-Humble yourself. People who pass through these stages can enter a single one for a long period of time. God has a purpose in mind for each experience whether pleasant or difficult. This is the time to trust God, grow in your love, and never forget how Jesus embraces us. We are his masterpiece and no matter how fragile our bodies get we are perfect because God designed something different for us. Our relationship with him will take us to a place where we can finally say we are done with this fight. I am unique and my purpose has been faultless.
Plane Crash. Bags flying everywhere. The captain standing at the front of the plane telling jokes in his Dallas cowboys pajamas. What a vivid imagination for a 10-year-old flying by himself. Through the eyes of a child life seems so unbalanced. These mystical experiences can seem so dangerous but, are they?
As a child our perspective is simple. It is life that messes it up. There is an intimate purity and love that can only be seen through a child’s eyes. At this time of year lights sparkle. Neighbors and friends give out cookies and cards. So why as adults are we so dismal? We are reminded of the loss in our lives. We try to replay the past holidays as if we can perfect the details of those gingerbread treasures.
We also hear the story of the birth a baby born to a virgin that ultimately grows up to die in a tremulous way. This story can be frightening for a child who hasn’t learned the power of sinful forgiveness. But he shines in everyone. He gives these little ones companionship and virtues. His intimacy guides them through experiences no mortal influence could.
Your substances belong to Jesus. Let no one defeat you… “little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong”.
I grew up with performance based grace. I was separated from my father at ten years old. I have lived my entire life trying to please him. I grew up under his watchful eye as he scrutinized my every move. I was never quite good enough in the things I did. I have started to look at my relationship with my sons and I wonder sometimes if they can feel my insecurities. I know my mood shifts and my temper can get the best of me. I wonder if what I am saying to them is a mirror image of what I learned as a child. I learned that it was easier to stay in the shadows. It was easier to avoid confrontations. I would end up with hurt feelings and a self-image that I would suffer with my entire life.
My relationship with my husband has started down the same path. I feel like a timid child when confronted with a problem. My intimate, loving response to his touch has grown cold. I feel the quick, angry, disposition from him the way I felt when my father was disciplining me. I do not look to him for his leadership role in the house as I should. Our marriage has become out of sync with what God had planned. We both suffer everyday trying to grasp hold to the root of foundation he laid out for our marriage. My resistance is causing rejection in everyone around me. My husband feels rejected because I cannot find grace in my life.
I have struggled to maintain a productive life. I measured my worth by my abilities. I was successful at my job but, in every relationship getting below the surface became very painful and scary. Now, being unable to work and produce predictable income has torn open my flesh and exposed me to various levels of pain. It has also peeled open a joyous thirst for God. I can sing praises and give thanks even though I cannot see around the corner.
I am thankful that my marriage has been bonded by God. Even though I stubbornly, and selfishly follow God, I know that my rebellion will be met with Grace. The real value of a person is inside not on the outside. Our performance in life is not what is appealing to God. It is our heart…..Thank goodness my husband has a HUGE one!
¨He saw it fit to see me through another day,¨ This is just one of the statements Oklahoma residents are mulling through today. The devastation and emotional terror that overcomes you is unexplainable. I know this devastation all to well. I lived through a tropical storm that dumped water over our city for days and eventually caused a levy to break. Our city was downstream from raging water. In a matter of hours, streets and houses were flooded. The rescue effort brought boats and rafts to evacuate us and whatever we could carry. Nobody could get in or out. Our cars and homes were held hostage by red Georgia clay water. The city water plant flooded and we had no water for three weeks.
I know as we see this devastation, we wonder what we can do. What good do we get from this? It is hard to know on a personal basis, but have you ever thought about starting over? This can bring a transparency of sorts, leaving you vulnerable to deception and attack. This battleground can have a devastating aftermath that can linger even after all the destruction has been visibly removed. I wanted to have my stuff. That made me hopeless and lost and only God can replace that.
God gives us many ways to reclaim our relationship with him. Unfortunately, we continue to bring destruction back into our lives. The bondage we carry around is to hide our transparency and leave our relationship with God detached. The intimacy we are so graciously given will always be there. The purpose for such tragic situations can be Satanś greatest instrument of deception. We all will face defeat and challenges but it is how we choose to walk through them that matters to God.