Help Solve This Cruel Mystery


484876_180392985452670_351279867_nWe are but dust-born into a physical body that has already “fallen” and prone to cause problems for the soul.(PS.103:14).

Dear Friends,

It has been a while since I have discussed the brutal impact Lupus has habitually interfered with during my life.  Today has been a total breakdown and I stayed in bed for most of it.  Why the sadness infringes on my plans, I don’t know.  My last infection, about 3 weeks ago left me with 2 weeks of antibiotics.  I thought I was in the clear but redness hit my face and neck like supersonic colors. Of course I got my fever blister and only a little sore in my mouth but nothing like usual.  My legs and ankles have become so inflated at times I can barely walk.  I do have my special shoes but they are so decrepid I can’t even go to the mailbox in them. So embarrassing but I love them! My main concern now is my lungs. I am very short of breath and my inhaler just is not cutting it.  479777_178003839024918_1893458639_n

I am sorry for anyone going through any chronic illness.  People will never know the sadness that everyday brings.  Some days are so unbearable I can’t even put it into words.  The people in our life have to continue their routine obligations so the sadness  and guilt become overwhelming.  You hurt so bad that your focus on God can quickly disappear and allow the enemy to move right in.  I get fearful at times when I am alone.  I worry about the future and I can quickly feel my mood change.  I fear that  I do not love this person that I see.  I feel shame for some of the failures in my life.  But God sees a desire to love us through our shame and guilt. But, I feel guilt and shame for not always remembering that. Hang tight you tenacious strong survivors.  I love you all.

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DABDA


on-beach-love-yourself-wallpapers-1024x768.jpg  Lupus or any chronic illness can bring about an array of emotions that can occur in any order and lasts until God gives you the courage to move on to the next phase.  He knows when we focus on his work in our life , we’ll discover our spirit and courage to react to the life-altering event we have been assigned to.

1. Denial-Don’t give into fear, but break its hold through scripture. Our willingness to obey is a key to answered prayer. Instead of denial, if we demonstrate thankfulness in harsh circumstances, other people may see our response.  The people in our life will want the peace they see within us for themselves.

2. Anger-This can ruin relationships and make it difficult for a person to move forward in life.  It is a painful storm of resentment that will always block our path to righteousness.  This is a hard one but, rejoice in the fact today that God is giving ou this opportunity to give him glory.

3. Bargaining-This is a negotiation for extended time.  We must realize the first rule of warfare is to know one’s enemy. Through God we can conquer Satan and win our unseen battles. The combined forces of hell cannot equal the supernatural forces of a single believer. To me, bargaining tries to defy logic. We just need to believe and praise the Lord.

4. Depression This is an unbelievable force that can be the toughest stage to go through.  I seem to keep coming back to this process over and over.  We are to fix our gaze on the Saviour, and let his joy become yours.  With  so much out of our control , it is such a relief that we are called to get our joy from the Lord.  Depression can become  a major stumbling block. Do not give in to fear but live in confidence.  Lean on your relationships but process your feelings and brace yourself for God’s grace.

5. Acceptance-Humble yourself. People who pass through these stages can enter a single one for a long period of time. God has a purpose in mind for each experience  whether pleasant or difficult.  This is the time to trust God, grow in your love, and never forget how Jesus embraces us.  We are his masterpiece and no matter how fragile our bodies get we are perfect because God designed something different for us.  Our relationship with him will take us to a place where we can finally say we are done with this fight.  I am unique and my purpose has been faultless.

Chain of Love


illus082.jpg (600×299)  My life has become as an old oak tree that has grown wider than the arms can reach.  Its roots buried deep below the surface. It sits alone in a field surrounded by tall grass and views of nature.  It has grown tall and its limbs climb and stretch toward the sky.  But it still sits alone.  At the end of each limb is an abrupt end but  its leaves can become intertwined and connected to other twigs  on other branches.  As I travel down a branch have I learned what was intended for me?  Why are some branches so painful to go down?  Why do others seem so easily traveled?  Some branches may break under the pressure while others seem  as sturdy as the roots below.

In God's Hand.jpg (391×315)   I always thought that walking with someone down the harder times in life  would weigh me down but having someone walk beside you and being able to let go when you need to is a gift only God can bring into your life.   Anger can become such a storm in life that it can pull, toss and shake until its leaves and branches  break and shatter under the tremendous force.  It can become an unseen act of nature that is completely out of control and it will not stop until it exposes all the naked branches underneath.  Do we get too comfortable with our surroundings?  Do the birds coming and going take our focus off of the things we hide?

I try to look up from time to time and remember what it’s all about.  As the wind pulls the branches apart and the leaves rustle to the ground I remember that it is a climb I cannot do alone.  I can only slowly pull myself back up the tree and continue to navigate the branches again.

The Journey of Love


Jesus

Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Resurrection of Christ

English: Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever gone through a divorce or separation? Sadly, right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a bitter, difficult resolution of my relationship with God. Fortunately, i know that loving God is a lifelong individual journey that I will embark on for the rest of my life.

When I was 18 this journey with God began. I was very naive and did not know how to grow as a Christian. I knew something inside of me had changed. I wholeheartedly gave everything I had to worshiping Jesus. I felt love and peace. I followed Jesus faithfully and boldly. I wanted to learn everything I could about the bible. I was excited and I energetically tried to serve anyway I could. But, nobody taught me how to be a Christian.

Before I knew it, my selfish controlling attributes started sneaking back in. The devil got a foothold. I grew farther from Jesus but I still felt his presence in my life. God allowed me to do things my way. I began to make one bad decision after another and completely stopped growing in my Christian life. All the time something had a hold on me. God never left me. I began a complete downward spiral. Fortunately,  he knew when I had enough. I spent years doing it my way then God drew the line. Everything around me crumbled. He began to show me  he wanted a relationship with me personally. He gave me strength. I began a new attitude in my relationship with him and others around me. I began to see things God’s way. Many times I took baby steps or turned away all together but God remained faithful. He showed me he had bigger plans for my life,

Many parts of my life have changed since then. I became a humble servant and God began to work through me. Then, my health began to change. This is when I slowly started to feel my relationship with him trying to unravel.  It is amazing how quickly you can stop spending time in his word. How you may disagree with his plan. I became stubborn and as I defended my individual rights, it started to take away my worship and my time-serving him. Once again I was stranded. I was lonely. My relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. Divorce could be imminent. But, for a man who willingly laid down his life for me and endured such torture I am willing to go through some pride and discomfort to have a lasting, loving investment in this marriage. I will not go through the pain of divorce again. I challenge everyone to practice unconditional love and develop intimacy in whatever relationship honors you in your life.

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

Battered Women are Beautiful but Broken


By Grace Are Ye Saved

By Grace Are Ye Saved (Photo credit: listentothemountains)

"North Hampton is a Domestic violence fre...

“North Hampton is a Domestic violence free-zone” (Massachussetts) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Battered women are caught in a cycle of violence.  A third of women’s injuries coming into our emergency rooms are no accident.  Most are the result of a deliberate,  premeditated acts of violence.  And,  frequently they occur over and over until the women is killed.”  –Dr. Kevin Fullin.  My story began about 10 years ago.  The violence I experienced was typical until one day I had enough.  My two toddlers were playing and after many heated arguments he pulled a gun out.  I am not sure how but by the grace of God he left.  I grabbed the children and any thing I would need and left.  At a friend’s house I began to call shelters.  After a few attempts I found one with an open bed.  I met the director at a police station where she had me follow her to our destination.  This is where you leave your pride at the door.   These shelters see a lot of people and as I sat through the intake process, I felt very alone.  I was very scared.  I needed a hug and the comfort of my home.  Is this where we go back into the situation?  My mind was racing.  My kids did not have a choice.  They were unfortunately victims of their environment.  I was the only voice for them.  My

decision, this decision is one that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

The shelter was incredible.  The concept was wonderful but there are not enough of them.  I did feel as if it was a little cold.  I could not come and go of course for obvious reasons.  I met women in there that had incredible strength and it was not their first time there.  These shelters are well hidden and you don’t know if you are living next to one or not.

I was lucky.  I had a good job and two days later I was able to safely move into an apartment 40 miles away.  I had nothing to furnish the new house so I bought air mattresses and piece by piece we got our house to become our safe home.

What about the women who have no where to go?  Most go back to their abuser.  My thought for that is ,the need of security in the  home for their children.  It is a hard thing to get over.  There are so many steps to take to get your life back.  Everyone has the right to be safe.  The county has court orders to protect you.  I was lucky and mine never became a part of their lives again.  People always ask you why I didn’t just leave.  And, the answer for that is different for every woman.  It is not that easy.  Leaving the comfort of your house and starting again is harder than you know.

Domestic violence is not your fault.  Let everyone around you know.  I know the difficulty of that but it gets easier the more people you tell.  I think you will find more support than you ever dreamed of.  You don’ have to give the particulars but tell your neighbors, teachers, and find someone at work so you will have support when you need to get away.  Make sure your childs school has a copy of the protection order.  Keep a list of shelters in your area and give important documents like birthcertificate,  and extra change of cloths at someones house you trust.  During the heat of violence this will be impossible.  It is a hard thing to do but remember you are the eyes and ears for your children.  To what degree are we victims of our circumstances?  We are tempted to look at people in disgust and turn our heads.  But to have mercy we need to have mercy on ourselves .  Maybe the perputator needs mercy and encouragement also.

The Journey of Love


Jesus

Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Resurrection of Christ

English: Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever gone through a divorce or separation? Sadly, right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a bitter, difficult resolution of my relationship with God. Fortunately, i know that loving God is a lifelong individual journey that I will embark on for the rest of my life.

When I was 18 this journey with God began. I was very naive and did not know how to grow as a Christian. I knew something inside of me had changed. I wholeheartedly gave everything I had to worshiping Jesus. I felt love and peace. I followed Jesus faithfully and boldly. I wanted to learn everything I could about the bible. I was excited and I energetically tried to serve anyway I could. But, nobody taught me how to be a Christian.

Before I knew it, my selfish controlling attributes started sneaking back in. The devil got a foothold. I grew farther from Jesus but I still felt his presence in my life. God allowed me to do things my way. I began to make one bad decision after another and completely stopped growing in my Christian life. All the time something had a hold on me. God never left me. I began a complete downward spiral. Fortunately,  he knew when I had enough. I spent years doing it my way then God drew the line. Everything around me crumbled. He began to show me  he wanted a relationship with me personally. He gave me strength. I began a new attitude in my relationship with him and others around me. I began to see things God’s way. Many times I took baby steps or turned away all together but God remained faithful. He showed me he had bigger plans for my life,

Many parts of my life have changed since then. I became a humble servant and God began to work through me. Then, my health began to change. This is when I slowly started to feel my relationship with him trying to unravel.  It is amazing how quickly you can stop spending time in his word. How you may disagree with his plan. I became stubborn and as I defended my individual rights, it started to take away my worship and my time-serving him. Once again I was stranded. I was lonely. My relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. Divorce could be imminent. But, for a man who willingly laid down his life for me and endured such torture I am willing to go through some pride and discomfort to have a lasting, loving investment in this marriage. I will not go through the pain of divorce again. I challenge everyone to practice unconditional love and develop intimacy in whatever relationship honors you in your life.