Starring Who?


wedding 001

I grew up with performance based grace. I was separated from my father at ten years old.  I have lived my entire life trying to please him.  I grew up under his watchful eye as he scrutinized my every move.  I was never quite good enough in the things I did.  I have started to look at my relationship with my sons and I wonder sometimes if they can feel my insecurities.  I know my mood shifts and my temper can get the best of me.  I wonder if what I am saying to them is a mirror image of what I learned as a child.  I learned that it was easier to stay in the shadows.  It was easier to avoid confrontations.  I would end up with hurt feelings and a self-image that I would suffer with my entire life.

My relationship with my husband has started down the same path.  I feel like a timid child when confronted with a problem.  My intimate, loving response to his touch has grown cold.  I feel the quick, angry,  disposition from him the way I felt when my father was disciplining me.  I do not look to him for his leadership role in the house as I should.   Our marriage has become out of sync with what God had planned.  We both suffer everyday trying to grasp hold to the root of  foundation he laid out for our marriage.  My resistance is causing rejection in everyone around me.  My husband feels rejected because I cannot find grace in my life.

I have struggled to maintain a productive life.  I measured my worth by my abilities.  I was successful at my job but, in every relationship getting below the surface became very painful and scary.  Now, being unable to work and produce predictable income has torn open my flesh and exposed me to various levels of pain.  It has also peeled open a joyous thirst for God.  I can sing praises and give thanks even though I cannot see around the corner.

I am thankful that my marriage has been bonded by God.  Even though I stubbornly, and selfishly follow God, I know that my rebellion will be met with Grace.  The real value of a person is inside not on the outside.  Our performance in life is not what is appealing to God.  It is our heart…..Thank goodness my husband has a HUGE one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Lost and Found


boys 002A  Grandmother Is sitting on the bed of a 10-year-old boy whose father had just left the home due to infidelity.  The boy stood in front of her motionless and emotionally drained.  She asked the boy to close his eyes and think of his father.  After many half-hearted attempts he closed his eyes tight and thought.  Once he had the memory that he cherished the most, she asked him to hold out his arms and grab that memory and pull it tightly to his chest.  The boy did as he was told. With profound concentration, he opened his eyes.  She asked him to hold that memory tight in his hand and put it in the pocket of his cloths.  There the memory would stay.  It would be there for him anytime he needed it.

God made us perfect.  Although, we are all sinners, we are still God’s servants.  and we are instructed to forgive.  No sin has more value than another.  We have all broken the commandments of God at some point in our lives.  Some people are reminded of their sin everyday by the choices they have made.

The most difficult part of life for me is forgiveness.  We work at clearing our heart of all the demons and the people we hurt , but do we really forget?  God’s grace gives us the power to do that.  The bible says, not only does God forgive but he also banishes the memory.  He remembers it no more.  (Isaiah 43:25.)

god

Bitterness and hatred can consume anybody.  We are all born with God’s purpose in mind.  Although the path we choose can be a result of our circumstances,  God has a will for the situation you are in.  Even if the choice you make has brought you down, look up.  Give God’s grace a try.  Forgiveness and repentance are gifts we all have.  Forgive yourself one step at a time……

Maybe a child right now is holding on tight to a memory of you.