Help, I am Drowning in Boys


Have you ever googled you name?  It gets a little scary.  Oh yes….a lot of those Facebook images and some of the ones you forgot about are sitting right there with those lovely starlets whose name you are lucky enough to have a piece of.  There they are in their galligaskins (fancy word for leather leggings) and there you are in your flower one piece you wore to the hot tub in Colorado.  Oh, those were the days.293092_178196015672367_261588333_n

…It is a typical Saturday around here. My husband is actually at work which does not happen often on a Saturday.  Our roof has been blown half off by a wind storm. But, we have had many kind drivers  stop to tell us our unfortunate news. One of my children has a huge knot on his leg and has not been able to move it.  I been the fill-in and have played xbox,cleaned the dog (you know what) and now we are watching a movie but, soon the pile of dishes in the sink will have to be done because I can’t find my sponge unfortunately, I know exactly where it is.

  My eldest child is at least outside with all the other 10 boys in the neighborhood being a navy seal.  All of the freshly ploughed dirt and new houses make for a great playground.  The only problem is there is a gun jam about every five minutes so I guess you could add  gunsmith to my line of duties.

I thought today I would write about a typical day but unfortunately I am not content with typical days.  I am angry at my circumstances but I must remember that every circumstance that touches our lives must first come through God’s hands.  His fingers of love are part of a great plan that he has established for our lives.

Summer Stories: The Beginning


Summer is upon us.  The routine school days that are usually packed with schedules and soccer now turn into lazy, long and hot monotony that can be grueling for parents.  My children have usually attended afterschool programs but this year I will be home with them through the summer.  This is going to involve a massive dose of mommy magic!

Mommy magic involves a little tug on a closet door that magically locks when I try to open it.  I am the only one who can lock the scary, dark unknown lair where cloths seem to become a dark evil force that my children cannot get out of their psyche before they go to sleep.  Fear of the unknown and mommy holds the magical lock.  My oldest child is beginning a new phase in his school life.  He has become increasing anxious and lately. his fear has become apparent.  I see his younger brother is stepping out on his own.  He has been quietly pulling away from the domineering  personality of his brother.  But, as I have learned, a child with ADD doesn’t know he is bossy.  He does not know that his self-esteem is being tested with every new relationship he tries to form.  These children have often been in a constant cycle of negativity that can overwhelm any family.

This summer is going to challenge me.  I will be right in the line of fire and I will be the mediator for the neighborhood brawls.  It is actually going to test all of us.  They will not have to stick to a tight schedule .  I am sure the chore list will some how magically disappear on some of the long, lazy days of summer.  I  have learned to expect the unexpected.  I hope to document the transformation this summer.  I hope I can be a witness for some of the children.  Growing up in a family of girls was hard I thought.  That was before, well ….  hopefully you will return to read some of these adventures. 🙂

Daily Prompt: The Love of Freedom and Faith


           We live in a world of uncertainty.mum 001<!–
We are all free to perform everyday  routines that affect the people around us. Everything we do has an effect on somebody.
I love being able to open the minds of my children that otherwise would have an inverted view of social development. I love them. It is as simple as that. They have unwillingly been my source of strength. Both of my children have difficult, demanding personalities. My oldest child’s entire life has been a struggle. His mind is brilliant but he has developing impulsive, disorganized, forgetful traits are not tolerated in our schools today.  He is kind and loving but, he cannot use compassion as it is intended.

In my darkest days being a Mother was truly a burden on me.  I say that not to hurt anyone but to describe how painful the mistakes I made in his young life, still hurt  in the pit of my family’s heart.  The only deep attention he got was punishment.  Poor Parenting and Teaching obviously made his disorder worse.  But, his condition was genetic and it came from God.  

Faith Happens

We have the freedom to believe in God.  C.S. Lewis said that doubt is not the opposite of faith-it is a necessary ingredient.  If there was no element of doubt, there would be no room for faith.  (It would just be fact).

Most people do not think of faith when they start the car.  We don’t look at our phone as an object of faith.  We turn it on and make a call.  All of the technical stuff is left up to the developers and their genius ideas.  But, we have FAITH that these devices will work.  What about the minds of these children and the lost?  They have no freedom.  To me, faith is my freedom… We need to teach faith differently some times and get into the minds and hearts of all the faith-busting ideas people struggle with today.

I Love You Mom!


"Where there is love there is life."

mom 001Always focus on how far you've come, rather th...mom 001_1How do you know what love is?  Better yet, do you know how to love?  What expectations do you put on the people in your life?  Love can be crazy at times.  I know in my personal life I  can be selfish.   I am not patient and my pride gets in the way of treating people with the unconditional love Christ has shown to us.   It is amazing how events in the early stages of your life can affect how you love and interact with people.  When children are hurt ,  it is usually unexpected.  They are loved by the people closest to them.  The care and nurturing that mold a child is done with love and compassion.  This kind of love is as close to unconditional as Christs’ is to us.  Then here comes life…..I was praying with my oldest child and it had become the daily nighttime nightmare.  Back and forth for one thing or another.  It was just a normal routine that he  learned gave him power.  As the fight was ending he blurted out loudly, I miss my best friend.  Now, I know he has many friends at school and in the neighborhood so this caught me by surprise and I gave into the grandiose thinking.  As  he saw the astonished look on my face  he blurted out …I miss my daddy.  All this time he was trying to fill a hole that I was not able to give him.  As mother’s we try to fix life.  But,  I was starting him on a path of destruction. As adults we fill with anything we can.

He has not seen or talked to his father for about 4 years.  There are many details to this part.  I have sheltered him from most of the circumstances around that time.  I had to go down this path for many reasons.  It is amazing what Mother’s will go through to raise a child that only wants the love of the absent parent.  Single Mother‘s have a very powerful role and will never fill the gap.  They  have the power to steer their children in a way that even though there is an emotional hole,  we can teach them to fill it with memories or anything powerful for them.  The pain is still real but if we give them a chance to fill it with what they want, they will learn to work out these emotions before it becomes a part of their personality as an adult.

My children are impulsive. They are sensitive to touch and noise.  They can go into major bouts of tantrums.  But giving them the resources to understand such a simple, direct reason for their pain gives them alternatives for handling their anger.

My Mother raised four girls.  We were all at different places at the time of the divorce.  Take time to talk to your child.  Never assume their circumstance isn’t affecting them.  My sisters and I all grew emotionally different.  I only know this because I went for years not knowing why the pain always came back to me.  All the time I spent in the dark, she never let go of me.

Toothfairy, How much for a Molar?


Tooth fairy

Tooth fairy (Photo credit: aaipodpics)

English: A Snickers candy bar, broken in half.

English: A Snickers candy bar, broken in half. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Rewards have become the result of our self-serving nature. The entitlement  my children display after one of their crimes has been committed, definitely shows me that they use it freely as part of a

maneuver tactic when they dart around defensive explanations.  I mean don’t you think everyone is entitled to a candy bar because they HAD to go to the store with  their mother, the one who makes lunches and the one that would be blamed if I bought the wrong kind of chips if I had gone alone.

Do you remember when your child’s nature first reared its ugly head?  Did your beautiful bundle of joy cry when they needed something.  Of course, as parents the next step is to center the attention around their child.  To keep the peace and harmony in the house we subconsciously became the sole servant who taught this child how to communicate using rewards to get what he wanted.  In the bible, we are all born sinners.  The bible also teaches us to raise up our children with love and powerful discipline.

I was going through some papers and I came across a note my child wrote to the tooth fairy.  It says:

Just leave the money on my dresser.  Please

signed:  K (nickname of course)

P.S.  Keep in touch!

Entitlement at its finest!

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

I Need a Little Inspiration


God Love Her

God Love Her (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

HI!  How are you?  I’m good.  I bet we all have answered that response more times than we can count.  What about our children?  As parents we except that generic response from them when they get home because  as   adults we want to protect their world but not exclude future conversation.   I think this may cause emotions which could damage our relationship. Over time in any family, faulty thinking is becoming a distorted view of perception.  We ALL believe what we think.  This could cause a faulty way of seeing things.  This conflict over time could then turn into a belief and this causes lifelong feuds in many families.  We hold on to the anger unwillingly and our relationships remain broken.  Sometimes for years.  These types of relationships trickle down from generation to generation.

My inspiration right now is coming from my children.  They have lived with my illness for as long as they can remember.  I know they are hurting.  They are remarkably strong.  Confronting painful questions and seeing me sick has rendered me helpless.  I feel very alone as everyone goes about their day.  The laughter and joy do not run as deep in the house as it did once before.  But, I want to share a letter written by one of my boys:

Dear Mom,

I’m really sorry that we don’t respect you the way we should.  I love you and your my parent.  I should treat you with more respect. I know you are sick and it’s not your fault you have lupus and infections.  I try to help you and comfort you.  The last thing is that I love you!

These are supernatural words of wisdom.  As I pray daily it is your voice that comforts me.     God, thank you for allowing me to be your child and given me ears to hear.  wherever we are today God is there to help us.  God’s dear presence will rekindle the fire of hope in our hearts.

I am going through some emptiness and anger.  For so long I didn’t care for someone to get close to me.  It is hard to step out of the darkness. But step by step we can walk in God’s love. If others can learn from my mistake it may save them from the pain.  Please be encouraged. It’s better to love and support what others are doing than what we are doing ourselves.