Plane Crash


god us air jet hudson river cartoon  Plane Crash. Bags flying everywhere.  The captain standing at the front of the plane telling jokes in his Dallas cowboys pajamas.  What a vivid imagination for a 10-year-old flying by himself.  Through the eyes of a child life seems so unbalanced.  These mystical experiences can seem so dangerous but, are they?

As a child our perspective is simple.  It is life that messes it up. There is an intimate purity and love that can only be seen through a child’s eyes.  At this time of year lights sparkle. Neighbors and friends give out cookies and cards. So why as adults are we so dismal?  We are reminded of the loss in our lives.  We try to replay the past holidays as if we can perfect the details of those gingerbread treasures.

We also hear the story of the birth a baby born to a virgin that ultimately grows up to die in a tremulous way.  This story can be frightening for a child who hasn’t learned the power of sinful forgiveness.  But he shines in everyone.  He gives these little ones companionship and virtues.  His intimacy guides them through experiences no mortal influence could.1470389_10151684512871735_259634300_n

Your substances belong to Jesus.  Let no one defeat you… “little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong”.

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Gods Fingerprints: A struggle with Postpartum


972210_182892871869348_1291751330_n252366_178478105644158_355779262_n    It is not easy for children to put others first-we are all born sinners.  We are all naturally selfish.  I was a christian when I had my first child but I was living far from his grace and I was far from home.  After the initial blessing and visits , I was suddenly was alone with this beautiful baby boy. The love between mother and child is the most sensitive bond there is. It holds no greater capacity than love and grace.  The joy and hope of  this gift from God, turned into my broken spirit. My plans were shattered.  It became an agonizing deep depression which we now call postpartum . Depression can leave you frozen and numb to your child.  I was completely responsible for this beautiful boy but emotionally I could not give him the security and bond he needed to provide comfort and to faith

     If a child lives with tolerance he learns patience.  If he lives with hostility he learns to fight.  I was in a state of ongoing sadness.The guilt was unbearable. My dreams and hopes that once reached to the sky shattered, leaving deep darkness in my eyes. My son cried everyday.  He would throw his body back when I tried to hold him. He had a massaging cradle he would only sleep in.  Basically everything had to be done in order and in likeness.

     Living in that darkness of disappointment or discouragement  could never be understood by many.  You feel like a failure.  Please,  just stop and think….God made this child in your womb just for you.  He has a purpose for this life.  Step by step we can walk out of  darkness by following hope.  Hope is a candle that can lead you through the difficult times when darkness is all you see.  Whisper the name Jesus and there you will find comfort and hope you need.

     Postpartum can affect 5-25% of women.  Women often reflect on the negative aspects of childcare and in turn develop poor coping strategies.  These women get a label put on them and their self-esteem is deeply affected.  Happiness and laughter do not come naturally for some women and we need to stand up and help them see God´s light and love.  I have been in that darkness.  I was fully consumed with it. You cannot pull your self out of it!  I still have the repercussion even after so many years have passed.  Let God lead you in his way. Embrace where you are and take it step by step.  One activity can immobilize you but,  this child knows nothing but love for you.

The Journey of Love


Jesus

Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Resurrection of Christ

English: Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever gone through a divorce or separation? Sadly, right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a bitter, difficult resolution of my relationship with God. Fortunately, i know that loving God is a lifelong individual journey that I will embark on for the rest of my life.

When I was 18 this journey with God began. I was very naive and did not know how to grow as a Christian. I knew something inside of me had changed. I wholeheartedly gave everything I had to worshiping Jesus. I felt love and peace. I followed Jesus faithfully and boldly. I wanted to learn everything I could about the bible. I was excited and I energetically tried to serve anyway I could. But, nobody taught me how to be a Christian.

Before I knew it, my selfish controlling attributes started sneaking back in. The devil got a foothold. I grew farther from Jesus but I still felt his presence in my life. God allowed me to do things my way. I began to make one bad decision after another and completely stopped growing in my Christian life. All the time something had a hold on me. God never left me. I began a complete downward spiral. Fortunately,  he knew when I had enough. I spent years doing it my way then God drew the line. Everything around me crumbled. He began to show me  he wanted a relationship with me personally. He gave me strength. I began a new attitude in my relationship with him and others around me. I began to see things God’s way. Many times I took baby steps or turned away all together but God remained faithful. He showed me he had bigger plans for my life,

Many parts of my life have changed since then. I became a humble servant and God began to work through me. Then, my health began to change. This is when I slowly started to feel my relationship with him trying to unravel.  It is amazing how quickly you can stop spending time in his word. How you may disagree with his plan. I became stubborn and as I defended my individual rights, it started to take away my worship and my time-serving him. Once again I was stranded. I was lonely. My relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. Divorce could be imminent. But, for a man who willingly laid down his life for me and endured such torture I am willing to go through some pride and discomfort to have a lasting, loving investment in this marriage. I will not go through the pain of divorce again. I challenge everyone to practice unconditional love and develop intimacy in whatever relationship honors you in your life.

My Surgery and Spoiled Spirit


Love for Arts

As a women I am constantly aware of my deep, inner feelings.  I am always looking out for my own needs and was..  It is important to me that others love me the same way.  If we did not love ourselves we would not be concerned about being rejected, hurt, or mistreated.  We all want to be accepted. Our need is not to love ourselves more but to love the image and direction God has given us.

The last year has been physically and emotionally tough.  I had surgery and developed a large hematoma.  I was released from the hospital while I was still complaining of significant pain.  Three days later I was at the doctor.  I had become bruised from my waist to my thighs.  My wound had literally opened.  They packed me with gauze and admitted me back into the hospital.  I went to surgery for a debreidment.  I left the hospital with a wound vac which heals or closes the wound from the inside out.  Every three days I had to get it changed.  The pain was the most unbearable bondage I have ever experienced.  About three weeks with the machine,  I was running a fever.  My drainage was foul with the tint of infection.  I was told so many times that my wound was healing nicely.  I continued to run fever and have the foul odor.   At one of my dressing changes the nurse pulled out a piece of gauze.  The wound vac had pulled it up through the healing process and that part of my wound had not healed.  It WAS infected.  The gauze had been left  in my abdomen at some point.

I could not work.  I could not play with my children.  I was a prisoner in my own house.  Mistakes like that can change the way you see things.  I began to justify my pain and laziness because I was damaged..  Instead of fighting, kicking and screaming at my physicians,  I withdrew. My problems were being ignored. I did not like myself, so I began to feel mistreated and rejected.  My problem still denies me from my life.

Don´t stop believing.  Instead of denying our self-image,  we need to receive Gods love and purpose.  In her book”Lies People Believe,¨ Nancy Leigh Demoss writes Jesus says we need to give to others the same attention and care we would give ourself.  Your situation does not describe you. I hope you never stop loving yourselves and believing   the negative foothold the devil sneaks in.

Lost and Found


boys 002A  Grandmother Is sitting on the bed of a 10-year-old boy whose father had just left the home due to infidelity.  The boy stood in front of her motionless and emotionally drained.  She asked the boy to close his eyes and think of his father.  After many half-hearted attempts he closed his eyes tight and thought.  Once he had the memory that he cherished the most, she asked him to hold out his arms and grab that memory and pull it tightly to his chest.  The boy did as he was told. With profound concentration, he opened his eyes.  She asked him to hold that memory tight in his hand and put it in the pocket of his cloths.  There the memory would stay.  It would be there for him anytime he needed it.

God made us perfect.  Although, we are all sinners, we are still God’s servants.  and we are instructed to forgive.  No sin has more value than another.  We have all broken the commandments of God at some point in our lives.  Some people are reminded of their sin everyday by the choices they have made.

The most difficult part of life for me is forgiveness.  We work at clearing our heart of all the demons and the people we hurt , but do we really forget?  God’s grace gives us the power to do that.  The bible says, not only does God forgive but he also banishes the memory.  He remembers it no more.  (Isaiah 43:25.)

god

Bitterness and hatred can consume anybody.  We are all born with God’s purpose in mind.  Although the path we choose can be a result of our circumstances,  God has a will for the situation you are in.  Even if the choice you make has brought you down, look up.  Give God’s grace a try.  Forgiveness and repentance are gifts we all have.  Forgive yourself one step at a time……

Maybe a child right now is holding on tight to a memory of you.

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

Controlling your Circumstances


English: Christ is tempted by Satan. The engra...

English: Christ is tempted by Satan. The engraved drawing was by Jacob de Wit after Peter Paul Rubens. 1711-12. School: Dutch. This print is from a group of 36 drawings after Peter Paul Rubens’ ceiling panels in the Jesuit Church, Antwerp, for engraving and publication by Jan Punt. Dimensions: height: 340 millimetres; width: 403 millimetres. http://www.archive.org/details/TheBowyerBible (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Gustave Doré, Depiction of Satan, the antagoni...

Gustave Doré, Depiction of Satan, the antagonist of John Milton’s Paradise Lost c. 1866 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today was bad,  I am having emotional breakdowns.  I have been at home for the last three months due to my lupus.   As, The world  continued around me.  I feel like I am standing still.   Am I a victim of my circumstances?  Quickly I would answer yes.  If my job was not so demanding, if my husband would just listen to me, or if my children never misbehaved my life would be perfect.

Truthfully, our circumstances do not make us who we are.   It just helps us reveal what we are.  I am a tired, grumpy mother of two little boys that find a way to always fight with my husband and I.  Oh, the differences we have with discipline.  If you have children with disabilities life is never simple.  Discipline is never the same.  God has brought these circumstances into my life to change me and to show me what I am really like.

Satan tries to convince us the only way to change is to find a different circumstance.  We feel we would be happier if our circumstances were different. Lie!

Truth is, if we are not happy in our current circumstances we won’t be happy in another place.  By convincing use our circumstances are unnecessary satan can control our resentment and anger.

I need to be content in my life.  Whether I have plenty or little.  It seems so simple.  But, it really is.  We make life harder for ourselves.  Believe God’s truth and show satan who controls your life.