Help, I am Drowning in Boys


Have you ever googled you name?  It gets a little scary.  Oh yes….a lot of those Facebook images and some of the ones you forgot about are sitting right there with those lovely starlets whose name you are lucky enough to have a piece of.  There they are in their galligaskins (fancy word for leather leggings) and there you are in your flower one piece you wore to the hot tub in Colorado.  Oh, those were the days.293092_178196015672367_261588333_n

…It is a typical Saturday around here. My husband is actually at work which does not happen often on a Saturday.  Our roof has been blown half off by a wind storm. But, we have had many kind drivers  stop to tell us our unfortunate news. One of my children has a huge knot on his leg and has not been able to move it.  I been the fill-in and have played xbox,cleaned the dog (you know what) and now we are watching a movie but, soon the pile of dishes in the sink will have to be done because I can’t find my sponge unfortunately, I know exactly where it is.

  My eldest child is at least outside with all the other 10 boys in the neighborhood being a navy seal.  All of the freshly ploughed dirt and new houses make for a great playground.  The only problem is there is a gun jam about every five minutes so I guess you could add  gunsmith to my line of duties.

I thought today I would write about a typical day but unfortunately I am not content with typical days.  I am angry at my circumstances but I must remember that every circumstance that touches our lives must first come through God’s hands.  His fingers of love are part of a great plan that he has established for our lives.

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Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable


friendship-32vWhy is depression so hard? It arrises when the truth is not real. It is when you are alone with yourself and you do not like who you are. It is when the weight of the world tumults down on you and the innermost fragments of your head is so broken you do not know how to fix it. All of your emotions are blurred in a big bubble and everything you feel gets stuck together. You cannot differentiate between happiness and sadness. It is a massive sentiment that lingers until one by one the bubbles burst and a revelation unfolds to reveal whatever emotion stands strong that day.

These monsters.  Do you mock in that delight? One more day you have my mind and my heart. To live where every step becomes so much to bear. But God keeps me here. There must be a reason I am so weak?  I have no one who could understand and I am not strong enough to do this by myself. So, I sit here and I hope God is listening.

You know what feels the worst is knowing that you have screwed up your life. I will never have any opportunities to excel at the gifts I was given. I ruined them.. there is no way to get them back.. I want to be a good person but as a mother there is always something to do, fix or make.
But then all of that changed.  I began to yell at the boys for fighting over the XBox because someone was in someone elses room.  I threw up my hands in disgust.  I sat on the couch and put my face in my hands.  The boys quickly came in and in their most serious voice asked me why I was so sad.  I don’t know I said I guess I just need extra special love from you now. They brought me a pillow, propped up my feet, brought me my water and with a big hug told me thank you for doing this for us every night.  002

Nobody knows the struggle I am going through. But It can never be too late to excel at the gifts God has given you. Will it help to talk about my past? Will it help to talk about all the wrong in my life? I like to see stories of recovery don’t get me wrong but I hate to hear condescending people who think they could never go back to being a user. Watch yourself because you will fall again. A changed life gets a person’s attention every time. (Liz Curtis Higgins)

The Journey of Love


Jesus

Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Resurrection of Christ

English: Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever gone through a divorce or separation? Sadly, right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a bitter, difficult resolution of my relationship with God. Fortunately, i know that loving God is a lifelong individual journey that I will embark on for the rest of my life.

When I was 18 this journey with God began. I was very naive and did not know how to grow as a Christian. I knew something inside of me had changed. I wholeheartedly gave everything I had to worshiping Jesus. I felt love and peace. I followed Jesus faithfully and boldly. I wanted to learn everything I could about the bible. I was excited and I energetically tried to serve anyway I could. But, nobody taught me how to be a Christian.

Before I knew it, my selfish controlling attributes started sneaking back in. The devil got a foothold. I grew farther from Jesus but I still felt his presence in my life. God allowed me to do things my way. I began to make one bad decision after another and completely stopped growing in my Christian life. All the time something had a hold on me. God never left me. I began a complete downward spiral. Fortunately,  he knew when I had enough. I spent years doing it my way then God drew the line. Everything around me crumbled. He began to show me  he wanted a relationship with me personally. He gave me strength. I began a new attitude in my relationship with him and others around me. I began to see things God’s way. Many times I took baby steps or turned away all together but God remained faithful. He showed me he had bigger plans for my life,

Many parts of my life have changed since then. I became a humble servant and God began to work through me. Then, my health began to change. This is when I slowly started to feel my relationship with him trying to unravel.  It is amazing how quickly you can stop spending time in his word. How you may disagree with his plan. I became stubborn and as I defended my individual rights, it started to take away my worship and my time-serving him. Once again I was stranded. I was lonely. My relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. Divorce could be imminent. But, for a man who willingly laid down his life for me and endured such torture I am willing to go through some pride and discomfort to have a lasting, loving investment in this marriage. I will not go through the pain of divorce again. I challenge everyone to practice unconditional love and develop intimacy in whatever relationship honors you in your life.

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

Battered Women are Beautiful but Broken


By Grace Are Ye Saved

By Grace Are Ye Saved (Photo credit: listentothemountains)

"North Hampton is a Domestic violence fre...

“North Hampton is a Domestic violence free-zone” (Massachussetts) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Battered women are caught in a cycle of violence.  A third of women’s injuries coming into our emergency rooms are no accident.  Most are the result of a deliberate,  premeditated acts of violence.  And,  frequently they occur over and over until the women is killed.”  –Dr. Kevin Fullin.  My story began about 10 years ago.  The violence I experienced was typical until one day I had enough.  My two toddlers were playing and after many heated arguments he pulled a gun out.  I am not sure how but by the grace of God he left.  I grabbed the children and any thing I would need and left.  At a friend’s house I began to call shelters.  After a few attempts I found one with an open bed.  I met the director at a police station where she had me follow her to our destination.  This is where you leave your pride at the door.   These shelters see a lot of people and as I sat through the intake process, I felt very alone.  I was very scared.  I needed a hug and the comfort of my home.  Is this where we go back into the situation?  My mind was racing.  My kids did not have a choice.  They were unfortunately victims of their environment.  I was the only voice for them.  My

decision, this decision is one that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

The shelter was incredible.  The concept was wonderful but there are not enough of them.  I did feel as if it was a little cold.  I could not come and go of course for obvious reasons.  I met women in there that had incredible strength and it was not their first time there.  These shelters are well hidden and you don’t know if you are living next to one or not.

I was lucky.  I had a good job and two days later I was able to safely move into an apartment 40 miles away.  I had nothing to furnish the new house so I bought air mattresses and piece by piece we got our house to become our safe home.

What about the women who have no where to go?  Most go back to their abuser.  My thought for that is ,the need of security in the  home for their children.  It is a hard thing to get over.  There are so many steps to take to get your life back.  Everyone has the right to be safe.  The county has court orders to protect you.  I was lucky and mine never became a part of their lives again.  People always ask you why I didn’t just leave.  And, the answer for that is different for every woman.  It is not that easy.  Leaving the comfort of your house and starting again is harder than you know.

Domestic violence is not your fault.  Let everyone around you know.  I know the difficulty of that but it gets easier the more people you tell.  I think you will find more support than you ever dreamed of.  You don’ have to give the particulars but tell your neighbors, teachers, and find someone at work so you will have support when you need to get away.  Make sure your childs school has a copy of the protection order.  Keep a list of shelters in your area and give important documents like birthcertificate,  and extra change of cloths at someones house you trust.  During the heat of violence this will be impossible.  It is a hard thing to do but remember you are the eyes and ears for your children.  To what degree are we victims of our circumstances?  We are tempted to look at people in disgust and turn our heads.  But to have mercy we need to have mercy on ourselves .  Maybe the perputator needs mercy and encouragement also.

The Journey of Love


Jesus

Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Resurrection of Christ

English: Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever gone through a divorce or separation? Sadly, right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a bitter, difficult resolution of my relationship with God. Fortunately, i know that loving God is a lifelong individual journey that I will embark on for the rest of my life.

When I was 18 this journey with God began. I was very naive and did not know how to grow as a Christian. I knew something inside of me had changed. I wholeheartedly gave everything I had to worshiping Jesus. I felt love and peace. I followed Jesus faithfully and boldly. I wanted to learn everything I could about the bible. I was excited and I energetically tried to serve anyway I could. But, nobody taught me how to be a Christian.

Before I knew it, my selfish controlling attributes started sneaking back in. The devil got a foothold. I grew farther from Jesus but I still felt his presence in my life. God allowed me to do things my way. I began to make one bad decision after another and completely stopped growing in my Christian life. All the time something had a hold on me. God never left me. I began a complete downward spiral. Fortunately,  he knew when I had enough. I spent years doing it my way then God drew the line. Everything around me crumbled. He began to show me  he wanted a relationship with me personally. He gave me strength. I began a new attitude in my relationship with him and others around me. I began to see things God’s way. Many times I took baby steps or turned away all together but God remained faithful. He showed me he had bigger plans for my life,

Many parts of my life have changed since then. I became a humble servant and God began to work through me. Then, my health began to change. This is when I slowly started to feel my relationship with him trying to unravel.  It is amazing how quickly you can stop spending time in his word. How you may disagree with his plan. I became stubborn and as I defended my individual rights, it started to take away my worship and my time-serving him. Once again I was stranded. I was lonely. My relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. Divorce could be imminent. But, for a man who willingly laid down his life for me and endured such torture I am willing to go through some pride and discomfort to have a lasting, loving investment in this marriage. I will not go through the pain of divorce again. I challenge everyone to practice unconditional love and develop intimacy in whatever relationship honors you in your life.

Mommy Please don’t Quit


That's My Mommy

That’s My Mommy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THEY'LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ - NARA - 515709

THEY’LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ – NARA – 515709 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All of my life I have been taught not to quit.  “Winners never quit and quitters never win”.  So is this why we hold on to so many bad choices?  We hide  behind many fears and resentments.  We hold onto things as if they were pieces of our heart and if we did not have those pieces we would not be complete.  It is a shame that as children the age of maturity affects our emotional completion of these certain stages.  Someone could shatter you at this distinct part in your life and you never could even know it.  You could continue through life trying to find the missing pieces and never feel like you have completed that task.  So what do we do?  We go to therapy?  It takes years sometimes.  You may even know what your hiding behind but still can’t shake the emptiness.  People enter your life and they to are trying to fulfill something they maybe unaware of. We need beauty and caring that is  non possesive and cannot be contaminated by a judgement for acceptance.  Never quit and get to those suffering before they do.001