My Surgery and Spoiled Spirit


Love for Arts

As a women I am constantly aware of my deep, inner feelings.  I am always looking out for my own needs and was..  It is important to me that others love me the same way.  If we did not love ourselves we would not be concerned about being rejected, hurt, or mistreated.  We all want to be accepted. Our need is not to love ourselves more but to love the image and direction God has given us.

The last year has been physically and emotionally tough.  I had surgery and developed a large hematoma.  I was released from the hospital while I was still complaining of significant pain.  Three days later I was at the doctor.  I had become bruised from my waist to my thighs.  My wound had literally opened.  They packed me with gauze and admitted me back into the hospital.  I went to surgery for a debreidment.  I left the hospital with a wound vac which heals or closes the wound from the inside out.  Every three days I had to get it changed.  The pain was the most unbearable bondage I have ever experienced.  About three weeks with the machine,  I was running a fever.  My drainage was foul with the tint of infection.  I was told so many times that my wound was healing nicely.  I continued to run fever and have the foul odor.   At one of my dressing changes the nurse pulled out a piece of gauze.  The wound vac had pulled it up through the healing process and that part of my wound had not healed.  It WAS infected.  The gauze had been left  in my abdomen at some point.

I could not work.  I could not play with my children.  I was a prisoner in my own house.  Mistakes like that can change the way you see things.  I began to justify my pain and laziness because I was damaged..  Instead of fighting, kicking and screaming at my physicians,  I withdrew. My problems were being ignored. I did not like myself, so I began to feel mistreated and rejected.  My problem still denies me from my life.

Don´t stop believing.  Instead of denying our self-image,  we need to receive Gods love and purpose.  In her book”Lies People Believe,¨ Nancy Leigh Demoss writes Jesus says we need to give to others the same attention and care we would give ourself.  Your situation does not describe you. I hope you never stop loving yourselves and believing   the negative foothold the devil sneaks in.

Soldier of Love


Mental Health Awareness Ribbon

Mental health is not a subject most of us do not talk about over coffee but, It could be a topic that we talk about around the water cooler at work. There is a stigma that follows that entire category.  People  genuinely enjoy talking about themselves but certain secrets we tend to hold onto  tight.  We deal with our mental health with stuff. God has empowered us to manage our lives for his glory.  So, If we can talk about ourselves so freely then why do christians have a hard time-sharing their faith?  Look around your community.  We can empower people who may have a secret hidden way back in their memory.

When my older sister was around eight her class at camp was walking through the woods.  She was a little behind her class with two of her friends.  A man came out of the woods and grabbed her.  He took off down the trail while running with her in his arms.  The two boys she was with, had the instinct to chase after them.  After a few moments he dropped her.

All types of relationships are needed to develop our faith.  At the same school, I was assaulted.  I was to young to remember so it shouldn´t affect me, right?  Well it did.  Even though I do not remember all the facts my memory kept it stored.  For most of my life I was very introverted.  I obsessed on my pain.  I was quiet and shy.  To fit in, I choose activities that forced me to be extraverted.

These memories were never worked through.  We did not talk about it and everyone  figured we were okay.  I have experienced the unique characteristics that come with this memory.  I have lived my life depressed.  I was lucky to have support but hospital stays were very confusing and they really made me feel very alone.

Mental health affects everyone.  Your experiences cannot be disputed by anyone.  We must go out to the hopeless and pull them out of the place they are holding onto so tight.  Godś grace has brought people in your life.  It is a honor to share your faith.  It is even more of an honor to walk with them so they will have a partner to be accountable to.    Mathew 7:1 says ¨Do not judge or you too will be judged.¨ God uses the word hypocrite.  So, we need to take the speck out of our own eyes.

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

Mommy Please don’t Quit


That's My Mommy

That’s My Mommy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THEY'LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ - NARA - 515709

THEY’LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ – NARA – 515709 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All of my life I have been taught not to quit.  “Winners never quit and quitters never win”.  So is this why we hold on to so many bad choices?  We hide  behind many fears and resentments.  We hold onto things as if they were pieces of our heart and if we did not have those pieces we would not be complete.  It is a shame that as children the age of maturity affects our emotional completion of these certain stages.  Someone could shatter you at this distinct part in your life and you never could even know it.  You could continue through life trying to find the missing pieces and never feel like you have completed that task.  So what do we do?  We go to therapy?  It takes years sometimes.  You may even know what your hiding behind but still can’t shake the emptiness.  People enter your life and they to are trying to fulfill something they maybe unaware of. We need beauty and caring that is  non possesive and cannot be contaminated by a judgement for acceptance.  Never quit and get to those suffering before they do.001

Lets all Stand Together


Today I am writing to give you a glimpse into my pain with Lupus. It is not always a physical rehabilitation. Tonight, it was an emotional one. Lupus as many of you know does not always mirror on the outside the emotional havoc going on inside. My family loves me. I know this. They want to understand and are willing to listen as I explain my ailments to them. The problem is that nobody REALLY does know. I have lived my life as the middle child always wanting and willing to please. I have never felt quite good enough or emotionally strong enough to tell others the place I felt the safest. I cannot remember even what makes me the happiest. I remember as a child my parents tried to understand. Of course, the doctors kept wanted me to come back each week as they tried to unravel something they could never fully understand either. I say this because many people are hurting and its hard to know how to help. Please be patient and never give up hope. The thing that hurts people the most is being misunderstood or having someone give up on them. No advice just a quiet hand sometimes. God Bless You.

Controlling the Craziness


I have battled uncertainty all my life.  I don’t know if it is pride or just being afraid of my own feelings.   I am constantly trying to be in control .  This just brings emptiness.  In the heart of my darkness the emptiness was terrifying.  I felt an almost constant ache deep in the pit of my stomach.  The more vices I gave into, the more pain I felt. Everything around me crumbled.  Trying to be in control of others or situations just  left me lonely.  I used to believe being lonely was a part of my genetic make-up.  I could never shake it.  I know now God doesn’t want us to be lonely.  He has filled parts of me that were incomplete and has given me the pleasure of overcoming many painful obstacles.  I still struggle everyday.  Thankfully, God is the only one I answer to.   All my wrong decisions, being too late or too early or not good enough does not apply with him.  If i am in his will everything will be perfect!