I’m Slowly Giving Up


 

the tide of hopelessness4I wrote yesterday about my emotions being locked inside my head and I was unable to free them.  This began a cycle of emotional mayhem.  When I am overwhelmed I sit transfixed as if I am dazed and I cannot properly engage.

 

When a rush of emotion hits me I cannot process them individually.  The sadness and the catatonic state are the only way I can react.  I try  to change my disposition  but I cannot pull myself out of it.  In my relationships this causes a collision when I go in to conflict. It pulls at all the stages of emotions and while my partner can easily negotiate his way through I am stuck in one pattern.  In the rejoiced moments I am unable to feel delighted.

 

These stages bring a heightened sense of perception.  We all walk through life with affiance.  We have commitments and obligations.  There is always a seemingly normal breach of these engagements.  To me these unfulfilled promises bring hopelessness.  These patterns of broken expectations bring a heightened sense of disappointment to me.  I in turn break engagements and unfufill promises to those I love.  This is not intentional but my misery will not let me go to those who would comfort me.  All I see after these broken patterns is hopelessness.  There is nothing to anticipate.  I feel alone even though the slightest smile from a stranger could comfort me if I let them.

 

I can’t. I cannot get rid of the hopelessness I hold now.  These bring fits of rage and sorrow.I do not know what my dreams are.  I cannot describe any ambitions.  I do not know what makes me happy.  The depression from life events that people can internalize overloads me. I am afraid to write about this.  I am afraid I may lose friends but, I need you to see me as I am.hopelessness

 

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Out of My Mind


friendship-28a I am sitting at my desk looking out the window at the beautiful butterfly bush that brings vibrant color and serenity.  The house is quiet and the cat is napping on the window ledge soaking up the sun that fills the house.  But I sit vacant. Like I am abandoned. The emotion I  felt throughout my life has been changeless.  The times of happiness have never been able to push through this invisible realm I have.  I truly sit and wonder what do people feel when they look at their newborn baby or look at pictures of fun memorable times?  I love my boys but at times I just traveled through the days  feeding, changing, bathing. I wanted to crawl in a ball when they wanted to play or interact.  It hurt so bad to see them look up at me as an innocent being needing love or approval but my heart was still stone cold.  mom 001

I am always anticipating a time when I will be abanded.  My oldest child was a very good baby.  He never cried when people held him.  Then he started to pull away.  He did not want to be held.  He had certain triggers and particular ways he had to sleep.  He cried all the time and I had to be in constant interaction with him.  I soon figured out he needed more intense play.  He liked lights and certain movements and certain textures.  Even with this, I still could not break through my emotional sphere. Could he see through me?

There is like a black globe holding in my emotions.  It sits in the middle of my head and I can see everything around it.  It will not crack open. It makes me feel empty.  I still cry and laugh but my body does not get the euphoria that comes with those emotions. I still feel sometimes there is nowhere to go.  I go through the day understanding that one person out there knows and they have had enough of being raw. Just because we don’t feel it completely or we feel it the wrong way doesn’t mean we need to silence ourselves.  I hope to find peace outside of my black sphere. Thank you for letting me share this with you.

Gods Fingerprints: A struggle with Postpartum


972210_182892871869348_1291751330_n252366_178478105644158_355779262_n    It is not easy for children to put others first-we are all born sinners.  We are all naturally selfish.  I was a christian when I had my first child but I was living far from his grace and I was far from home.  After the initial blessing and visits , I was suddenly was alone with this beautiful baby boy. The love between mother and child is the most sensitive bond there is. It holds no greater capacity than love and grace.  The joy and hope of  this gift from God, turned into my broken spirit. My plans were shattered.  It became an agonizing deep depression which we now call postpartum . Depression can leave you frozen and numb to your child.  I was completely responsible for this beautiful boy but emotionally I could not give him the security and bond he needed to provide comfort and to faith

     If a child lives with tolerance he learns patience.  If he lives with hostility he learns to fight.  I was in a state of ongoing sadness.The guilt was unbearable. My dreams and hopes that once reached to the sky shattered, leaving deep darkness in my eyes. My son cried everyday.  He would throw his body back when I tried to hold him. He had a massaging cradle he would only sleep in.  Basically everything had to be done in order and in likeness.

     Living in that darkness of disappointment or discouragement  could never be understood by many.  You feel like a failure.  Please,  just stop and think….God made this child in your womb just for you.  He has a purpose for this life.  Step by step we can walk out of  darkness by following hope.  Hope is a candle that can lead you through the difficult times when darkness is all you see.  Whisper the name Jesus and there you will find comfort and hope you need.

     Postpartum can affect 5-25% of women.  Women often reflect on the negative aspects of childcare and in turn develop poor coping strategies.  These women get a label put on them and their self-esteem is deeply affected.  Happiness and laughter do not come naturally for some women and we need to stand up and help them see God´s light and love.  I have been in that darkness.  I was fully consumed with it. You cannot pull your self out of it!  I still have the repercussion even after so many years have passed.  Let God lead you in his way. Embrace where you are and take it step by step.  One activity can immobilize you but,  this child knows nothing but love for you.

My Surgery and Spoiled Spirit


Love for Arts

As a women I am constantly aware of my deep, inner feelings.  I am always looking out for my own needs and was..  It is important to me that others love me the same way.  If we did not love ourselves we would not be concerned about being rejected, hurt, or mistreated.  We all want to be accepted. Our need is not to love ourselves more but to love the image and direction God has given us.

The last year has been physically and emotionally tough.  I had surgery and developed a large hematoma.  I was released from the hospital while I was still complaining of significant pain.  Three days later I was at the doctor.  I had become bruised from my waist to my thighs.  My wound had literally opened.  They packed me with gauze and admitted me back into the hospital.  I went to surgery for a debreidment.  I left the hospital with a wound vac which heals or closes the wound from the inside out.  Every three days I had to get it changed.  The pain was the most unbearable bondage I have ever experienced.  About three weeks with the machine,  I was running a fever.  My drainage was foul with the tint of infection.  I was told so many times that my wound was healing nicely.  I continued to run fever and have the foul odor.   At one of my dressing changes the nurse pulled out a piece of gauze.  The wound vac had pulled it up through the healing process and that part of my wound had not healed.  It WAS infected.  The gauze had been left  in my abdomen at some point.

I could not work.  I could not play with my children.  I was a prisoner in my own house.  Mistakes like that can change the way you see things.  I began to justify my pain and laziness because I was damaged..  Instead of fighting, kicking and screaming at my physicians,  I withdrew. My problems were being ignored. I did not like myself, so I began to feel mistreated and rejected.  My problem still denies me from my life.

Don´t stop believing.  Instead of denying our self-image,  we need to receive Gods love and purpose.  In her book”Lies People Believe,¨ Nancy Leigh Demoss writes Jesus says we need to give to others the same attention and care we would give ourself.  Your situation does not describe you. I hope you never stop loving yourselves and believing   the negative foothold the devil sneaks in.

Soldier of Love


Mental Health Awareness Ribbon

Mental health is not a subject most of us do not talk about over coffee but, It could be a topic that we talk about around the water cooler at work. There is a stigma that follows that entire category.  People  genuinely enjoy talking about themselves but certain secrets we tend to hold onto  tight.  We deal with our mental health with stuff. God has empowered us to manage our lives for his glory.  So, If we can talk about ourselves so freely then why do christians have a hard time-sharing their faith?  Look around your community.  We can empower people who may have a secret hidden way back in their memory.

When my older sister was around eight her class at camp was walking through the woods.  She was a little behind her class with two of her friends.  A man came out of the woods and grabbed her.  He took off down the trail while running with her in his arms.  The two boys she was with, had the instinct to chase after them.  After a few moments he dropped her.

All types of relationships are needed to develop our faith.  At the same school, I was assaulted.  I was to young to remember so it shouldn´t affect me, right?  Well it did.  Even though I do not remember all the facts my memory kept it stored.  For most of my life I was very introverted.  I obsessed on my pain.  I was quiet and shy.  To fit in, I choose activities that forced me to be extraverted.

These memories were never worked through.  We did not talk about it and everyone  figured we were okay.  I have experienced the unique characteristics that come with this memory.  I have lived my life depressed.  I was lucky to have support but hospital stays were very confusing and they really made me feel very alone.

Mental health affects everyone.  Your experiences cannot be disputed by anyone.  We must go out to the hopeless and pull them out of the place they are holding onto so tight.  Godś grace has brought people in your life.  It is a honor to share your faith.  It is even more of an honor to walk with them so they will have a partner to be accountable to.    Mathew 7:1 says ¨Do not judge or you too will be judged.¨ God uses the word hypocrite.  So, we need to take the speck out of our own eyes.

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

Mommy Please don’t Quit


That's My Mommy

That’s My Mommy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THEY'LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ - NARA - 515709

THEY’LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ – NARA – 515709 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All of my life I have been taught not to quit.  “Winners never quit and quitters never win”.  So is this why we hold on to so many bad choices?  We hide  behind many fears and resentments.  We hold onto things as if they were pieces of our heart and if we did not have those pieces we would not be complete.  It is a shame that as children the age of maturity affects our emotional completion of these certain stages.  Someone could shatter you at this distinct part in your life and you never could even know it.  You could continue through life trying to find the missing pieces and never feel like you have completed that task.  So what do we do?  We go to therapy?  It takes years sometimes.  You may even know what your hiding behind but still can’t shake the emptiness.  People enter your life and they to are trying to fulfill something they maybe unaware of. We need beauty and caring that is  non possesive and cannot be contaminated by a judgement for acceptance.  Never quit and get to those suffering before they do.001