Today I am writing to give you a glimpse into my pain with Lupus. It is not always a physical rehabilitation. Tonight, it was an emotional one. Lupus as many of you know does not always mirror on the outside the emotional havoc going on inside. My family loves me. I know this. They want to understand and are willing to listen as I explain my ailments to them. The problem is that nobody REALLY does know. I have lived my life as the middle child always wanting and willing to please. I have never felt quite good enough or emotionally strong enough to tell others the place I felt the safest. I cannot remember even what makes me the happiest. I remember as a child my parents tried to understand. Of course, the doctors kept wanted me to come back each week as they tried to unravel something they could never fully understand either. I say this because many people are hurting and its hard to know how to help. Please be patient and never give up hope. The thing that hurts people the most is being misunderstood or having someone give up on them. No advice just a quiet hand sometimes. God Bless You.
I have battled uncertainty all my life. I don’t know if it is pride or just being afraid of my own feelings. I am constantly trying to be in control . This just brings emptiness. In the heart of my darkness the emptiness was terrifying. I felt an almost constant ache deep in the pit of my stomach. The more vices I gave into, the more pain I felt. Everything around me crumbled. Trying to be in control of others or situations just left me lonely. I used to believe being lonely was a part of my genetic make-up. I could never shake it. I know now God doesn’t want us to be lonely. He has filled parts of me that were incomplete and has given me the pleasure of overcoming many painful obstacles. I still struggle everyday. Thankfully, God is the only one I answer to. All my wrong decisions, being too late or too early or not good enough does not apply with him. If i am in his will everything will be perfect!