Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable


friendship-32vWhy is depression so hard? It arrises when the truth is not real. It is when you are alone with yourself and you do not like who you are. It is when the weight of the world tumults down on you and the innermost fragments of your head is so broken you do not know how to fix it. All of your emotions are blurred in a big bubble and everything you feel gets stuck together. You cannot differentiate between happiness and sadness. It is a massive sentiment that lingers until one by one the bubbles burst and a revelation unfolds to reveal whatever emotion stands strong that day.

These monsters.  Do you mock in that delight? One more day you have my mind and my heart. To live where every step becomes so much to bear. But God keeps me here. There must be a reason I am so weak?  I have no one who could understand and I am not strong enough to do this by myself. So, I sit here and I hope God is listening.

You know what feels the worst is knowing that you have screwed up your life. I will never have any opportunities to excel at the gifts I was given. I ruined them.. there is no way to get them back.. I want to be a good person but as a mother there is always something to do, fix or make.
But then all of that changed.  I began to yell at the boys for fighting over the XBox because someone was in someone elses room.  I threw up my hands in disgust.  I sat on the couch and put my face in my hands.  The boys quickly came in and in their most serious voice asked me why I was so sad.  I don’t know I said I guess I just need extra special love from you now. They brought me a pillow, propped up my feet, brought me my water and with a big hug told me thank you for doing this for us every night.  002

Nobody knows the struggle I am going through. But It can never be too late to excel at the gifts God has given you. Will it help to talk about my past? Will it help to talk about all the wrong in my life? I like to see stories of recovery don’t get me wrong but I hate to hear condescending people who think they could never go back to being a user. Watch yourself because you will fall again. A changed life gets a person’s attention every time. (Liz Curtis Higgins)

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Agony of Defeat-A Victim of Personal Pain


mom 001_1 I hate the misology of victim.  But, I am a casualty of my mind.  My mind does not fully flower and bloom at the sight of happiness.   I sit in my gutter and look up at you with excitement at every word you promise. But your promises are fake. They push me down deeper and deeper and i can see no way out. Where did I go? I want so much to be powerful again.  I want to love and feel life again.  I  hear your promises and I know now they are not true. You are laughing at me but in your own sincere way,    I want to climb out of this madness but I can’t.  What is there to fight for anymore?  I feel powerless while everyone around me looks so impressive. I am stuck in this cold wet abyss.  Can anybody see me?  What is going to happen to me?   My voices yell at me, but I count on them so much. I hate them.  What is the truth? Why can’t anyone tell me it is going to be alright.  Would I believe them?

I am crying out in pain.  Why is nobody listening?  Why is nobody helping me.  I don’t want to be like this but I have isolated myself.  I have no true connection with anyone.  When my family reaches out for me they are fearful.  They act as if I am going to fall apart.  Have they seen this in me to many times before?  Have I scared them so much with my outbursts that I am a stranger to them?  I need them so bad but they have seen this so much.  It gets worse the longer it goes on.  They love me but I am so angry that they cannot see my pain.  Why can’t they feel what I feel?  Why are they not like this?  I am now changing. I can feel it.  My emotions get raw and go somewhere.  They hide deep in my head and now I am numb again.  My anger turns to rage and my voices are mocking me.  Do they want to hurt me or do they just  hate me?   I push them way back and pull my pleasant disguise forward until the pressure of the pain bursts wide open again.

Lupus and drugs can bring devastating results.  Please feel free to contact me or get help if you are experiencing any symptoms of depression.1453250_10151669341206735_1310661031_n

Haunted Houses


Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts. Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North

I look at this house and see the western sun filling the windows with a warm amber glow.  I see the loving family embracing the children running in and out.  I also see the family very rich in love while only providing the bare necessities of life.  My 10 yr old sees sadness.  He cannot see passed the dilapidated house with no windows whose previous owners cold not have enjoyed the supplementals of life.

How could I as a mother have failed so much?  I thought I had taught my children about selfishness, and having a proper attitude.  Not to see things from the outside in but to look at a person’s heart to find their true identity.  I write this as I hear my boys fighting in the next room as they are playing on their newest hankering, their “precious”.  My husband calls the xbox the “precious” because if left up to them, my boys would play on it day and night.  They began to plan their days around it.  If I call them for dinner they eat as if they are mesmerized by the hum of the power button in the next room.

I begin to think though why not love this game?  My son does not have to change who he is to play it.  He does not have to please a loving member of the family so that he can hear them say I love you.  He does not have to face the pain and rejections that occur when we are around family that may not have the patience to see him for who he really is. He sees this old house as a self-portrait.  A strong sturdy shell but hollow inside.

My job seems to be a little harder at times.  Every day is a challenge to keep him from slipping into a depression that others see as controlling and demanding. It hurts to be alone. It also hurts to walk into the lion’s den.  Imagine the fear he feels not being able to spend time with family because he is afraid of what might be said to him.  My younger son just knows that something is not right.  But each of them know about sharing and love.  We have a unofficial cookie ministry for their friends.  If someone is sick or in need, we bake.  I have one that cooks and one that gives them out.  I truly have the best of both houses.

My Surgery and Spoiled Spirit


Love for Arts

As a women I am constantly aware of my deep, inner feelings.  I am always looking out for my own needs and was..  It is important to me that others love me the same way.  If we did not love ourselves we would not be concerned about being rejected, hurt, or mistreated.  We all want to be accepted. Our need is not to love ourselves more but to love the image and direction God has given us.

The last year has been physically and emotionally tough.  I had surgery and developed a large hematoma.  I was released from the hospital while I was still complaining of significant pain.  Three days later I was at the doctor.  I had become bruised from my waist to my thighs.  My wound had literally opened.  They packed me with gauze and admitted me back into the hospital.  I went to surgery for a debreidment.  I left the hospital with a wound vac which heals or closes the wound from the inside out.  Every three days I had to get it changed.  The pain was the most unbearable bondage I have ever experienced.  About three weeks with the machine,  I was running a fever.  My drainage was foul with the tint of infection.  I was told so many times that my wound was healing nicely.  I continued to run fever and have the foul odor.   At one of my dressing changes the nurse pulled out a piece of gauze.  The wound vac had pulled it up through the healing process and that part of my wound had not healed.  It WAS infected.  The gauze had been left  in my abdomen at some point.

I could not work.  I could not play with my children.  I was a prisoner in my own house.  Mistakes like that can change the way you see things.  I began to justify my pain and laziness because I was damaged..  Instead of fighting, kicking and screaming at my physicians,  I withdrew. My problems were being ignored. I did not like myself, so I began to feel mistreated and rejected.  My problem still denies me from my life.

Don´t stop believing.  Instead of denying our self-image,  we need to receive Gods love and purpose.  In her book”Lies People Believe,¨ Nancy Leigh Demoss writes Jesus says we need to give to others the same attention and care we would give ourself.  Your situation does not describe you. I hope you never stop loving yourselves and believing   the negative foothold the devil sneaks in.

The November Magic that Started it All


English: Resurrection of Christ

My oldest child was born late in 2001.  I knew that day was  special  because it was snowing.  Living in Texas does not allow that unbearable, frigid temperature to become a nuisance as it does to my northern neighbors.  It is a treat that brings our children great pleasure.  So in late November my perfect baby was born as the snow fell just enough on the cars outside to let us write his arrival in the snow.  Three weeks after his birth my life was changed forever.

As we celebrate Easter, why should we get excited?  I think it is essential because it offers hope and guidance as to why we are here.  The first Easter baskets were filled with eggs for prosperity, horseradish for bitterness, salt, ham and bread to remind us of how Jesus used it to feed the multitudes.  The resurrection brings us hope .  Sin would become victorious in men.  Eternal punishment would be all we would have to look forward to.  Our lives would be pitiful.  If you consider all the other leaders, and prophets this world has seen consider why it is that we can consume their bodies and prove that they are still in their resting places.  They have not risen as Christ has.  Jesus promises to come to get his harvest and fruit.  One day we will be redeemed with victory over death.  We know this because Jesus’ body has risen!  The rock was rolled away to prove the tomb’s emptiness.

Pain is a powerful thing.  No one can judge you in this world!  It is not our right.  We continue to penalize ourself but Jesus has already paid our price.  Your physical pain can continue and the emptiness and sadness might  be overwhelming.  You might feel so battered and bruised that you cannot feel anything past this very second of your life.  Your grief can consume you so much that as you try to scream out for something, you cannot make sound come out of your mouth,  You are paralyzed with pain.  Life consumes you.  But, we do not live for this life.  Cry out to God in any way you can.  He hears all prayers.  Be still and be quiet and I promise peach will come to you.  God will give you your direction.  I challenge you to look at your life.  Is there a part of yourself that you could give up?  Could you give your life to someone who has had his ripped from him?

Easter eggs // Ostereier

I started this story with my son’s birth.  I want to tell you why over the last 11 years the place I stand  now is very dear to me and I do not want to take what I have been given for granted.  He was three weeks old when I drove my car into a concrete barrier.  I am sorry I do not remember the various details.  I remember complete darkness and silence.  Suddenly, a light consumed my face.  I started to walk down the road very dazed and confused.  But still complete silence and an overwhelming effervescence of light.   A truck driver appeared.  He was talking to me but I don’t remember what he was saying.  Then, a feeling of complete horror came over me.  My baby.  I had my baby in the car!  Where was he?  He was not crying.  The look on the man’s face turned to complete agony.  He ran back to my car.  I was still dazed and confused.  He found my child lying on the back seat beside his car seat.  There was glass all around him but it was like he had been placed gently down on the seat. He had been  protected as he was thrown around in the car and it rolled to a stop.   What else can I say.  He was perfect.  He was protected.  As we all are. Sometimes we get the chance to see it clearer. What I did not say was my life didn’t become perfect.  The trials actually got worse.  But, life does that.   Love God and please don’t give up. You are welcome to share with me.

What is Really Happening


FOR YOU LOVE PEACE .......... MAMITA SUFFER PA...

Pain truly becomes a part of everyday life when you are living with lupus or any chronic disease.  We live in a society today that tends to believe we should not experience sickness or death.  In past generations patients were treated at home.  Family members would watch over them and even the children would come gather around to watch the person die.  Today, when people are very ill they go to the hospital.  The visits by children are usually only for a little while.  The children do not see the sights or the smell of the diseases.  We have become a society where it is not normal to feel pain.  We expect not to expierence sickness or any bad expectations.  But, these things are very real. With lupus, physical pain is bad enough, but emotional pain is perhaps even worse. This pain makes you feel like a victim.  In society we can get rid of the physical pain but what about the emotional side of things?  It is at this time with a disease like lupus that we can get in trouble.  It is hard to handle because pain is pain.  When you are going through it there is no distinction.   People believe in this turmoil that Jesus has abandoned them.  I believe it proves he hasn’t.  He is transforming my life and the lives around me.  Pain cannot always be taken away.  We cannot run from it, we have to deal with it.  Now, with title of lupus I feel it is even more important to have and use God’s characteristics such as the capacity to love and to be loved, to think, to feel and to act with our own free will.  I hope with this image I can focus on my internal worth.

Lupus from a Child’s Point of View.


I kids 001asked my children to tell me how they feel about Lupus and how they feel about me being sick.  These are  some of the things they said.  The writer in me had to correct some grammar but  I love we got to the surface of their feelings.  I hope to get even deeper because they are the future and the future of medicine.  I hope to unleash a passion in them. Well, maybe I am getting to deep at this point..  Right now what I really love is that they love me.  They hear what is going on and they care about the changes going on in this family.

My mom sleeps in late, is always sick, and has strep . My mom is sick all the time, but I can sill have fun with her. At the end of all of that, she is the best mother in the world, no exceptions!   by caleb……… It is hard when my mommy is sick. I still have fun.  We get to watch movies and do laundry, She watches us play on our scooters.  I am angry sometimes. I am angry with the doctors because they won’t make a medicine to help lupus.  But it still won’t break us from our love.  I am happy when she feels good.  I love mommy with all my heart and soul.  We pray every night like our mommy and me time….conner