It was a typical Sunday morning.I came downstairs for breakfast but my husband had already eaten. I was tired and still drunk from the night before so I was mad that he had not waited for me to eat. . He was preparing a bag to leave for work. He normally went out-of-town on Sundays to get set up for his week ahead. His phone rang and he carried it outside. I could see him laughing and enjoying the conversation on the other end of the line. He came back inside and told me he was leaving for work. I was shocked because he normally left around dinner. I started the typical fight and the day dragged on. That night when he called me from the hotel the fight continued. Out of the blue I asked if he wanted a divorce and to my complete hysteria, he said yes. Just like that. He did not want to talk. I did. I begged for some kind of connection but his voice was cold and numb.
So this is how it started. It came on like a gun, only it left me wounded and begging for death. I could not move. I felt a creepy burst of anger clawing its way in but at the same time a guilt of selfishness overcame me so intensely that I wanted to justify every painful feeling and dysfunctional behaviour. But there was no one to justify it to. My side of the story did not matter anymore.
I was unpleasant to be around. I was embarrassing, irritating and basically rude. But I was sad. I was gasping for air. I had strong cravings for anger and bitterness. This lead me to lash out at anyone who stood in my way. Some nights I would lie in bed and call out his name but no words would come out. I felt like I was in a room with no ceiling or door. It had hurtful characters covering the walls and I scratched my way up the wall only to fall back down into the hurtful pit that began to devour me in the first place. The agony paralyzed me for years. I just could not take responsibility for my actions. Bitterness and jealousy impelled me. jealousy attacked my heart. It raided my emotions, motivations and relationships. This can cause an irruption in your relationship with God.
Does God give us more than we can handle? My answer would be yes. 2 Timothy 3:17 says: It matures me and equips me to be ready for every good work. Most of us willing to follow our own hearts not God. Lead your heart to God. The heart can sometimes be untrustworthy. Our problem might have a redefining purpose. It might hurt so bad that the pain will draw you nearer to God. We could also be being tested and purified. Others can see your faith and strength through your distressing times. How are you handling it? It is not up to us to judge what purpose God has laid out . If it hurts, tell him, cry to him. He is the only one who knows why trials have crept into our lives.
What do the children see?
A shaggy blonde boy with dirty fingernails and huge bright blue eyes smiling as he is making a hotdog. His parents are yelling in the background over misbehaviour by another child. He deflects this screaming and runs out to join his friends who are waiting outside to play. Children begin to develop road maps in the brain. Patterns they embed to help them feel safe in times of trauma. These safe places become a place to hide. Children begin to stop questioning and growing because they run to their safe place which offers no way for them to express their own views or ask questions. The children finally separate. They learn no one is in control. The parent’s authority and credibility are now threatened.
What do the children see?
In school we teach children answers to questions with questions. We are taught to criticize books and research. Criticism becomes the center of learning in their educational world. They become very skilled at it. Therefore as a teen we criticize everything and criticism becomes a way of finding answers and questioning beliefs. But on this thin line is also cynicism. It draws conclusions but it trashes beliefs. We must keep them questioning and thinking. Performance is empowering and they must be encouraged to express their own views so their fears are numerous but warranted.
What do the children see?
In Nick Pollard’s book, “Why do they do That”, he talks about the parallels of drugs and pain. We all reach for the Tylenol or heroin in some cases, but when it wears off the pain is greater. Many will try other ways that don’t work. The pain remains and grows. It is much like emotional pain that cannot be taken away by itself. It can be scary and lead to a downward spiral. We must teach our children that all pain cannot be taken away. They must live through it to grow, thrive and transform.
What do I want my children to see?
A love so deep that even in silence they can still hear my voice. I would love to hear your reaction or responses. Please let me know what you think.
Anger begins when it is silent…Nobody is around. When I am left unattended with my thoughts, my annoyance leaves me disturbed. According to psychologists, being alone is used to motivate a person to seek social connections. What if those social connections are the cause of defeatism? These unreliable people bring up their idealistic insignificant frustrations and as matrons we are compelled to respond.
Psychologist say that an angry person can lose his objective observality. I disagree. The diversiviolent behavior can retract the most agonizing memories and form a vexatious psyche. It can provoke and threaten an imagination that manipulates social survival. It can criticise and pull you down into an emotional blackmail.
In the psyche of an angelical, celestial servant, anger could seem as a holy, radiant and untainted emotion. Anger is not innocent but we can be prayerful and revered as a saintly sanctification in this irreverent world.
When you say you love me do you think I feel it. Do you think it passes through this thick, course shell that I have grown over the years? What do you want that to mean? Your manipulation has been growing in me for years. I am not a person who feels or who loves. I am the person you have made. Do you like the person you built? The one who hates life. I hate the promises you have engraved in me. Every time I hear them I feel a sting of pain that connects to every one of my organs but never leaves my body. I am stuck to live out this life you created in my head like a game that plays over and over. You have chosen me. Make me what you want because one day my shell will remain and I will be with the Holy One. The only one who can perfectly mend and love this broken child. He secretly holds me when you push. He whispers soft kind words and carries me through another day. Maybe one day you will find my friend. He is there with us, I see him every time you thrust your love against my body and remind me how much you love me.
Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
English: Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Have you ever gone through a divorce or separation? Sadly, right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a bitter, difficult resolution of my relationship with God. Fortunately, i know that loving God is a lifelong individual journey that I will embark on for the rest of my life.
When I was 18 this journey with God began. I was very naive and did not know how to grow as a Christian. I knew something inside of me had changed. I wholeheartedly gave everything I had to worshiping Jesus. I felt love and peace. I followed Jesus faithfully and boldly. I wanted to learn everything I could about the bible. I was excited and I energetically tried to serve anyway I could. But, nobody taught me how to be a Christian.
Before I knew it, my selfish controlling attributes started sneaking back in. The devil got a foothold. I grew farther from Jesus but I still felt his presence in my life. God allowed me to do things my way. I began to make one bad decision after another and completely stopped growing in my Christian life. All the time something had a hold on me. God never left me. I began a complete downward spiral. Fortunately, he knew when I had enough. I spent years doing it my way then God drew the line. Everything around me crumbled. He began to show me he wanted a relationship with me personally. He gave me strength. I began a new attitude in my relationship with him and others around me. I began to see things God’s way. Many times I took baby steps or turned away all together but God remained faithful. He showed me he had bigger plans for my life,
Many parts of my life have changed since then. I became a humble servant and God began to work through me. Then, my health began to change. This is when I slowly started to feel my relationship with him trying to unravel. It is amazing how quickly you can stop spending time in his word. How you may disagree with his plan. I became stubborn and as I defended my individual rights, it started to take away my worship and my time-serving him. Once again I was stranded. I was lonely. My relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. Divorce could be imminent. But, for a man who willingly laid down his life for me and endured such torture I am willing to go through some pride and discomfort to have a lasting, loving investment in this marriage. I will not go through the pain of divorce again. I challenge everyone to practice unconditional love and develop intimacy in whatever relationship honors you in your life.
I grew up with performance based grace. I was separated from my father at ten years old. I have lived my entire life trying to please him. I grew up under his watchful eye as he scrutinized my every move. I was never quite good enough in the things I did. I have started to look at my relationship with my sons and I wonder sometimes if they can feel my insecurities. I know my mood shifts and my temper can get the best of me. I wonder if what I am saying to them is a mirror image of what I learned as a child. I learned that it was easier to stay in the shadows. It was easier to avoid confrontations. I would end up with hurt feelings and a self-image that I would suffer with my entire life.
My relationship with my husband has started down the same path. I feel like a timid child when confronted with a problem. My intimate, loving response to his touch has grown cold. I feel the quick, angry, disposition from him the way I felt when my father was disciplining me. I do not look to him for his leadership role in the house as I should. Our marriage has become out of sync with what God had planned. We both suffer everyday trying to grasp hold to the root of foundation he laid out for our marriage. My resistance is causing rejection in everyone around me. My husband feels rejected because I cannot find grace in my life.
I have struggled to maintain a productive life. I measured my worth by my abilities. I was successful at my job but, in every relationship getting below the surface became very painful and scary. Now, being unable to work and produce predictable income has torn open my flesh and exposed me to various levels of pain. It has also peeled open a joyous thirst for God. I can sing praises and give thanks even though I cannot see around the corner.
I am thankful that my marriage has been bonded by God. Even though I stubbornly, and selfishly follow God, I know that my rebellion will be met with Grace. The real value of a person is inside not on the outside. Our performance in life is not what is appealing to God. It is our heart…..Thank goodness my husband has a HUGE one!
By Grace Are Ye Saved (Photo credit: listentothemountains)
“North Hampton is a Domestic violence free-zone” (Massachussetts) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“Battered women are caught in a cycle of violence. A third of women’s injuries coming into our emergency rooms are no accident. Most are the result of a deliberate, premeditated acts of violence. And, frequently they occur over and over until the women is killed.” –Dr. Kevin Fullin. My story began about 10 years ago. The violence I experienced was typical until one day I had enough. My two toddlers were playing and after many heated arguments he pulled a gun out. I am not sure how but by the grace of God he left. I grabbed the children and any thing I would need and left. At a friend’s house I began to call shelters. After a few attempts I found one with an open bed. I met the director at a police station where she had me follow her to our destination. This is where you leave your pride at the door. These shelters see a lot of people and as I sat through the intake process, I felt very alone. I was very scared. I needed a hug and the comfort of my home. Is this where we go back into the situation? My mind was racing. My kids did not have a choice. They were unfortunately victims of their environment. I was the only voice for them. My
decision, this decision is one that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.
The shelter was incredible. The concept was wonderful but there are not enough of them. I did feel as if it was a little cold. I could not come and go of course for obvious reasons. I met women in there that had incredible strength and it was not their first time there. These shelters are well hidden and you don’t know if you are living next to one or not.
I was lucky. I had a good job and two days later I was able to safely move into an apartment 40 miles away. I had nothing to furnish the new house so I bought air mattresses and piece by piece we got our house to become our safe home.
What about the women who have no where to go? Most go back to their abuser. My thought for that is ,the need of security in the home for their children. It is a hard thing to get over. There are so many steps to take to get your life back. Everyone has the right to be safe. The county has court orders to protect you. I was lucky and mine never became a part of their lives again. People always ask you why I didn’t just leave. And, the answer for that is different for every woman. It is not that easy. Leaving the comfort of your house and starting again is harder than you know.
Domestic violence is not your fault. Let everyone around you know. I know the difficulty of that but it gets easier the more people you tell. I think you will find more support than you ever dreamed of. You don’ have to give the particulars but tell your neighbors, teachers, and find someone at work so you will have support when you need to get away. Make sure your childs school has a copy of the protection order. Keep a list of shelters in your area and give important documents like birthcertificate, and extra change of cloths at someones house you trust. During the heat of violence this will be impossible. It is a hard thing to do but remember you are the eyes and ears for your children. To what degree are we victims of our circumstances? We are tempted to look at people in disgust and turn our heads. But to have mercy we need to have mercy on ourselves . Maybe the perputator needs mercy and encouragement also.