My Surgery and Spoiled Spirit

Love for Arts

As a women I am constantly aware of my deep, inner feelings.  I am always looking out for my own needs and was..  It is important to me that others love me the same way.  If we did not love ourselves we would not be concerned about being rejected, hurt, or mistreated.  We all want to be accepted. Our need is not to love ourselves more but to love the image and direction God has given us.

The last year has been physically and emotionally tough.  I had surgery and developed a large hematoma.  I was released from the hospital while I was still complaining of significant pain.  Three days later I was at the doctor.  I had become bruised from my waist to my thighs.  My wound had literally opened.  They packed me with gauze and admitted me back into the hospital.  I went to surgery for a debreidment.  I left the hospital with a wound vac which heals or closes the wound from the inside out.  Every three days I had to get it changed.  The pain was the most unbearable bondage I have ever experienced.  About three weeks with the machine,  I was running a fever.  My drainage was foul with the tint of infection.  I was told so many times that my wound was healing nicely.  I continued to run fever and have the foul odor.   At one of my dressing changes the nurse pulled out a piece of gauze.  The wound vac had pulled it up through the healing process and that part of my wound had not healed.  It WAS infected.  The gauze had been left  in my abdomen at some point.

I could not work.  I could not play with my children.  I was a prisoner in my own house.  Mistakes like that can change the way you see things.  I began to justify my pain and laziness because I was damaged..  Instead of fighting, kicking and screaming at my physicians,  I withdrew. My problems were being ignored. I did not like myself, so I began to feel mistreated and rejected.  My problem still denies me from my life.

Don´t stop believing.  Instead of denying our self-image,  we need to receive Gods love and purpose.  In her book”Lies People Believe,¨ Nancy Leigh Demoss writes Jesus says we need to give to others the same attention and care we would give ourself.  Your situation does not describe you. I hope you never stop loving yourselves and believing   the negative foothold the devil sneaks in.

Battered Women are Beautiful but Broken

By Grace Are Ye Saved

By Grace Are Ye Saved (Photo credit: listentothemountains)

"North Hampton is a Domestic violence fre...

“North Hampton is a Domestic violence free-zone” (Massachussetts) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Battered women are caught in a cycle of violence.  A third of women’s injuries coming into our emergency rooms are no accident.  Most are the result of a deliberate,  premeditated acts of violence.  And,  frequently they occur over and over until the women is killed.”  –Dr. Kevin Fullin.  My story began about 10 years ago.  The violence I experienced was typical until one day I had enough.  My two toddlers were playing and after many heated arguments he pulled a gun out.  I am not sure how but by the grace of God he left.  I grabbed the children and any thing I would need and left.  At a friend’s house I began to call shelters.  After a few attempts I found one with an open bed.  I met the director at a police station where she had me follow her to our destination.  This is where you leave your pride at the door.   These shelters see a lot of people and as I sat through the intake process, I felt very alone.  I was very scared.  I needed a hug and the comfort of my home.  Is this where we go back into the situation?  My mind was racing.  My kids did not have a choice.  They were unfortunately victims of their environment.  I was the only voice for them.  My

decision, this decision is one that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

The shelter was incredible.  The concept was wonderful but there are not enough of them.  I did feel as if it was a little cold.  I could not come and go of course for obvious reasons.  I met women in there that had incredible strength and it was not their first time there.  These shelters are well hidden and you don’t know if you are living next to one or not.

I was lucky.  I had a good job and two days later I was able to safely move into an apartment 40 miles away.  I had nothing to furnish the new house so I bought air mattresses and piece by piece we got our house to become our safe home.

What about the women who have no where to go?  Most go back to their abuser.  My thought for that is ,the need of security in the  home for their children.  It is a hard thing to get over.  There are so many steps to take to get your life back.  Everyone has the right to be safe.  The county has court orders to protect you.  I was lucky and mine never became a part of their lives again.  People always ask you why I didn’t just leave.  And, the answer for that is different for every woman.  It is not that easy.  Leaving the comfort of your house and starting again is harder than you know.

Domestic violence is not your fault.  Let everyone around you know.  I know the difficulty of that but it gets easier the more people you tell.  I think you will find more support than you ever dreamed of.  You don’ have to give the particulars but tell your neighbors, teachers, and find someone at work so you will have support when you need to get away.  Make sure your childs school has a copy of the protection order.  Keep a list of shelters in your area and give important documents like birthcertificate,  and extra change of cloths at someones house you trust.  During the heat of violence this will be impossible.  It is a hard thing to do but remember you are the eyes and ears for your children.  To what degree are we victims of our circumstances?  We are tempted to look at people in disgust and turn our heads.  But to have mercy we need to have mercy on ourselves .  Maybe the perputator needs mercy and encouragement also.

Mommy Please don’t Quit

That's My Mommy

That’s My Mommy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


THEY’LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ – NARA – 515709 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All of my life I have been taught not to quit.  “Winners never quit and quitters never win”.  So is this why we hold on to so many bad choices?  We hide  behind many fears and resentments.  We hold onto things as if they were pieces of our heart and if we did not have those pieces we would not be complete.  It is a shame that as children the age of maturity affects our emotional completion of these certain stages.  Someone could shatter you at this distinct part in your life and you never could even know it.  You could continue through life trying to find the missing pieces and never feel like you have completed that task.  So what do we do?  We go to therapy?  It takes years sometimes.  You may even know what your hiding behind but still can’t shake the emptiness.  People enter your life and they to are trying to fulfill something they maybe unaware of. We need beauty and caring that is  non possesive and cannot be contaminated by a judgement for acceptance.  Never quit and get to those suffering before they do.001


Today. I was challenged with my strong-willed child. He is the eldest and is pushing his power limits to the very edge. He has always had a manipulate root with a motivating force that seemed to drive him. He differs from the rest of the family in degree not kind. We all want to be the boss and have a drive for power. I believe that power and control are equal in context. We are a blended family. My husband had no children of his own and has become a model father for both of them. But, My son is struggling for power. My children have special needs of their own. We have to literally show them what is socially acceptable and what is not. They don’t just learn the skills that we take for granted. We have put simple steps to follow throughout the day. A reminder of sorts with signs because he would not brush his teeth…etc. You get the point. I think when I got sick, his control became intense. He is fighting for his desire to be the boss. This in turn motivates him more and pushes him stronger. He has learned the act of manipulation. This little act has changed the complete dynamics of our family. We have to remind him he is still a child. It is hard but as mothers we put all of the blame upon ourselves. Why can’t my child remember to brush his teeth or make his bed after the millionth time he has been told? Raising a strong-willed child and being sick is a very cruel joke. But, it’s just that. A funny walk through life. Just please don’t come to my house….its way to messy!

Letting Go

My children have been home for Christmas holiday. With them returning to school soon, I started to talk with them about the things they remember best about Christmas. Surprisingly, what time I got up in the morning became the number one topic they both had become concerned with. Not the visits from relatives and the magnitude of presents or not even the original “no homework” answer came flying from their mouths. It was that I was waking wake up later and that was putting a damper on their little active lives. I was beginning to wonder about my time off from work and what the diagnosis of Lupus was starting to feel like to them. I knew it was going to have an impact on some things but I did not realize the worry or guilt it was going to bring to me. You know with the typical work schedule, getting up in the morning used to be somewhat of a habit. The typical body time clock that has you on some sort of routine ritual in the morning. This little inconsistency was making my mommy magic less glamorous. Maybe they were scared. Maybe they felt they had less control over the disease. Or, maybe they felt empowered because of my passiveness. In any way, we talked a little more and they returned to whatever they were doing before. Looking at this now I see that I have to let go of my guilt. The situations that are pulling me down need to be set free. I usually bottle things up and close down when imperfections come to the surface. But, I now have two little boys who have begun to let go of their need for attachment. They have begun to find their independence and see their own imperfections. I see that Letting go means different things to different people. So, it makes me smile a little because they still need me more than they think. (but, don’t tell them…)


20046_1310245925808_1951866_n003    Please tell me why my child acts this way?  It seems I am constantly playing a well-meaning but, ineffective role in my children’s obnoxious behavior.  Getting drawn into the absurdity that my children see as negotiation is exhausting.  Is it possible to have perfect children?  I have heard all the labels and catagories the professionals want to paste on my children.   I have learned over the last few days that no one in my house is  acting responsible or legalistical.   We are confusing wants and needs.  Often in my house we are opposing the other parent and teaching strategic recognition.  Now on the other side of the family business  my children are wonderful angels made only for me by God.  He knew I would be the parents of these challenging creatures.  So, why does their inappropriate, irresponsible, lazy behavior put such a stigma on me?  I guess because it is my legacy that they are learning.  I want my children to realize that every moment is a gift from God.  As their parents, we have an awesome influence on the way they live their life.  Every parent wants their children to cherish the best values but parents make mistakes right?  As I take my children by the hand or hug their shoulders I know my family is whole and healthy in the Word of God.   Then, it starts all over again.  Is it so wrong to desire peace and quiet, intimacy and obedient children? I am glad that these moments are precious and if they only happen once….well thats probably a good thing.

Withholding Mercy

I just turned forty.  I look back at my life and I see the normalcy that covers all the basic fundamentals of my life.  Although, something wasn’t normal.  I have three very talented, smart and beautiful sisters each with our own individuality.  But, at times we were thrust together in activities maybe not as well suited for one another.  My mom worked aimlessly to get us from activity to activity after working a full day at work.  There was no time to grow as an individual.  I have always felt an emptiness inside that I cannot explain. I had faith in my father growing up but having patience with little girls and differentiating between us and his unhappy marriage took a toll on him. As a child you do not expect your father to reject you.  It was hard to have faith in God as a new Christian because I felt he was rejecting and judging me like my own father did.  I went through years of suffering quietly then my sins started to pour out openly.  I spent twenty years in substance abuse.  I was trying to find hope in my life.  I was chastising myself.  Through this I began to realize that God forgives unlike my own father. I still have to forgive myself but I have begun to get respect back in my life.  I went through relationships prepared to hurt and hurt others because I was so unsure of what I was feeling.  Anyone else punish themselves for the same reason?