Alone in a Normal World


A barking dog, the hum of a tractor, a basketball pounding the pavement……all the typical noises of a traditional Sunday afternoon.  My husband is making his famous soup trying to cure the house of the illness running rampant through it.  But, I still feel alone.  Even around the people I love the detachment I feel causes me panic and restlessness.  On the outside people who know me see that something is wrong.  On the inside nobody could imagine the monstrosity that rips through my body. Distress creeps through my blood. I begin to dread the restlessness and panic that shiver down my spine.  Misery is now trapped in my body and even my sweat is full of panic.

My son sits beside me on the couch smiling and showing me his loose tooth.  Captain America is getting his fish tank cleaned. But I still feel alone.

It is a sad place to be when you feel like there is something missing. There is a place inside that is hollow. Where is that place?  That dark, empty, hole that erupts so viciously but then quickly simmers down so silent I can not find where it has gone.  What does it need?  It taunts me from the dark but why won’t it talk to me?  As soon as I can fill this emptiness it desires more.  This craving has become a part of me.A frightened woman strapped onto a plane

 

Surviving an Unseen Battle


Smiling_old_ladyA fragile, aging, petite woman just came to check on me and left my couch with a slight smile and “the look”. She is the most powerful person I know. She does not have social status or great wealth but she has a heart that you do not want to disappoint.  I love to have the company but only for a short time.  I am an addict.  It hurts to be around people and to  pretend to be someone I am not.  I have battled drugs for many years. I have also been sober for many years.  What I want to talk about today is my relapse into prescription medication. The tonic transfusion that has taken over my body was actually a concoction by my rheumatologist who eventually sent me to a pain doctor.  This is where life became jumbled. My entire spirit and individuality changed.  I was very satisfied at first but then I needed more medication to maintain my pain-free status.  I started to take more pills and began to run out before my prescription was ready.  Every month there would be some sort of withdrawal which is rigorous and cruel.  I have Lupus so some of the symptoms overlap and you feel like you are having a flare every month.  I sit here like a sad little girl with no direction. I am so powerless and angry. The drugs push me down deeper and deeper and I can see no way out.  I abruptly have to climb out of this madness. friendship-28a

How do we escape bondage and begin to move toward freedom in those sinful areas of our life?  Well, I don’t know.  You can read books, seminars or even listen to the doctors.  I am here to tell you only you can do it.  So many things in this life overshadow our godly hearts and minds but he is the only one who can take this pain away.  I still need some of the drugs and I fight everyday to stay strong.  But honestly I do not do a good job at it.  Living with a drug problem and a chronic illness I have to choose to take only the minimum amount of drugs to keep my disease in place.  If you are going through this, I wish you could fight with me.  We all need to hear someone’s story.

Sweet Dreams are Made of This


Molecular Thoughts What do the children see?

       A shaggy blonde boy with dirty fingernails and huge bright blue eyes smiling as he is making a hotdog.  His parents are yelling in the background over misbehaviour by another child.  He deflects this screaming and runs out to join his friends who are waiting outside to play.  Children begin to develop road maps in the brain.  Patterns they embed to help them feel safe in times of trauma.  These safe places become a place to hide. Children begin to stop questioning and growing because they run to their safe place which offers no way for them to express their own views or ask questions.  The children finally separate.  They learn no one is in control.  The parent’s Clip Art Illustration of a Little Boy Holding a Bowl of Soupauthority and credibility are now  threatened. 

  What do the children see?

      In school we teach children answers to questions with questions.  We are taught to criticize books and research.  Criticism becomes the center of learning in their educational world.  They become very skilled at it.  Therefore as a teen we criticize everything and criticism becomes a way of finding answers and questioning beliefs.  But on this thin line is also cynicism.  It draws conclusions but it trashes beliefs.  We must keep them questioning and thinking.  Performance is empowering  and they must be encouraged to express their own views so their fears are  numerous but warranted.

What do the children see?

In Nick Pollard’s book, “Why do they do That”, he talks about the parallels of drugs and pain.  We all reach for the Tylenol or heroin in some cases,  but when it wears off the pain is greater.  Many will try other ways that don’t work.  The pain remains and grows.  It is much like emotional pain that cannot be taken away by itself.  It can be scary and lead to a downward spiral.  We must teach our children that all pain cannot be taken away.  They must live through it to grow, thrive and transform.

What do I want my children to see?

A love so deep that even in silence they can still hear my voice.  I would love to hear your reaction or responses.  Please let me know what you think.

Is Your Life a Victory or Vanity?


Feel Good Together

Feel Good Together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to say in advance that this is part of a painful glimpse into an always changing chaotic view of myself.  Many know I have Lupus. And, I know there are many diseases out there that people are living with.  Have you ever wondered how they feel?  (mentally).  What are you supposed to feel?

I am at a place that is empty.  I have stopped feeling any emotion.   I struggle through the day,  Then, I get it back together before the kids come home from school.  Now, as I recover, I know this place is the worst place I could be.  Can you be that numb?  I think so.  So, when a person is in that state how can you help?  Do you quietly think I am glad it’s not me or say you know you will get through this it just takes time.

I usually am an isolated person.  I don’t like to talk on the phone or sit with people but, I have a overwhelming urge to help others.  I have endured many different troubling life events.  I think this is where I became reserved.  Writing this post helps me share my feelings easier than if I were talking to someone about “how I feel”.  I want to share this with you because people who are hurting might not know how to voice this.  Professional help is a wonderful outlet that helps many people.  But, this goes out to those who just can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong.

Even as I feel numb and depressed I know God is with me.  It seems hard to accept but  he is there.  When you get to your dark place of your life please take a moment to pray.  (or write to me!)  I can’t tell you what your miracle might be but, I can tell you that being alive is a true miracle.  You are the only one God made.  There will be a change at some point.  Being still and waiting is the hardest thing to do but that is what God has asked of us.

Desire


Embarrassing parents - swan duckling

Embassy of Babies

Embassy of Babies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a desire for peace and quiet.  I have a desire for intimacy and obedient children.  These things rule my heart.  This causes me to judge anyone that is denying me of what I want.  I assume it is an automatic response.  When I was a kid I often got upset at the way my parents handled things.  Now that I am a parent, I wish I could remember the way they handled us.  I have three sisters and we all turned out pretty good…Right?  I see the youthfulness in my children flying away everyday.  I desire their lives to be full of laughter and joy.  Ok.  Now, let’s be real….As parents, my husband and I could not be more different.  So, right there the desire is gone…puff…gone.  Managing two special kids is never routine.  I am trying to  accept his parenting style.  But, he carries many roles.  The most important role is to help his children fit into God‘s plan.  If you come from a family with clear biblical values, it should  follow you through your lives. If you forget those values things in the home become bitter.  Many times these values are forgotten or never learned.   So instead of becoming a desirable accountability partner, I withhold mercy. There is frustration and attack. So, instead of having a discussion with my husband I talk with a friend.  Our negotiations are so heated at times I am afraid we don’t even know what we are fighting for.  I know this hurts our family.  I withhold so much anger.  I still desire my husband and love him but,  I know that I punish him. I get overwhelmed especially when I am not being heard. My motherhood is being questioned and corrected. So, I also desire to be loved and You will never learn to love if you don’t learn kindness.  So, this is what my desire is for you and for all families…

 

Mommy Please don’t Quit


That's My Mommy

That’s My Mommy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THEY'LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ - NARA - 515709

THEY’LL LET US KNOW WHEN TO QUIT^ – NARA – 515709 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All of my life I have been taught not to quit.  “Winners never quit and quitters never win”.  So is this why we hold on to so many bad choices?  We hide  behind many fears and resentments.  We hold onto things as if they were pieces of our heart and if we did not have those pieces we would not be complete.  It is a shame that as children the age of maturity affects our emotional completion of these certain stages.  Someone could shatter you at this distinct part in your life and you never could even know it.  You could continue through life trying to find the missing pieces and never feel like you have completed that task.  So what do we do?  We go to therapy?  It takes years sometimes.  You may even know what your hiding behind but still can’t shake the emptiness.  People enter your life and they to are trying to fulfill something they maybe unaware of. We need beauty and caring that is  non possesive and cannot be contaminated by a judgement for acceptance.  Never quit and get to those suffering before they do.001