My Mother and her Magic


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Oh the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked or stand with sinners or join with scoffers. Psalms 1:1…It is hard t to judge from the outside but once we see the inside it is usually so much more ugly.. We have to learn unconditional love because it does not come naturally. At least for some of us. For any reason when a child loses comfort or security as they grow up life as they know it changes. I always put off talking to my mom because I felt like she would not understand. I felt she did not understand my situation or what I was going through. What a typical teenage response! She is a wonderful person,mom 001
I adore her smile. The smile you see has never left her. It has been a permanent fixture on her face as long as I can remember. I miss that now that I have moved west. My boys do not get to see much of her but I know she misses them and her time with them. She is a quiet but, a
godly person. I felt growing up that my sisters had many of the same personality traits as her and they were able to spend time with her doing things they all enjoyed. I liked to have my own space. I did not know why I was feeling so distant from them especially with four sisters who each are unique and wonderful themselves. We had a very comfortable home even though we were not financially set. My mom always wanted to help me but I think she settled on just loving me. That made me pull away more because it annoyed me. I did not know what was wrong so how could anyone else. Maybe my comfort level as a child was snatched from me at the wrong age? If it was, we don’t know and can certainly not change that fact now. I feel like we don’t connect on some levels but I believe that might be because we are so alike in those certain trials we try to go through within ourselves. She had no meaningful support from my father so she was having problems handling her own situations so it was impossible for her to guide me through mine. Those areas that were so difficult, she helped me handle with a true comforting spirit. She taught me to handle some of the awkward situations growing up and how to work through those things. I have been distant, but not angry. She has given me all of her wonderful qualities. She is hard-working, caring and she LOVES her family. She is a breast cancer survivor and has had many health issues lately but she kept going through adversity and never complained. She is a true inspiration to me as I am struggling with Lupus. I am learning everyday. I have always carried bitterness and resentment and I have given the people around me mixed signals. I am sorry for this and I expect to again make mistakes as I walk through life. Please feel free to share a prominent person in your life. I would love to hear about your comforting places and where you go back to when the bad times hit. God has brought me the peace that fills the void in my heart no matter what the size. I know this is hard to hear because We see a lot of articles like this each day. Each person will find their own intimacy with God. Cherishing these times are hard when you just want to be angry. But, I think many of us don’t know the complete source of our pain. We may have a good idea but we in turn keep piling up the hurt, judgement and adversities that take over the piece of our heart that God keeps for himself. Serving others is the most rewarding thing I have every been taught. I am glad God has chosen me for his kingdom even as wayward as I had become. I know my mom understands this about me and I am again comforted by her courageous faith and unwaivering respect she has for others.

Lupus-The Early Years


I feel I need to give you a little background into my life before Lupus tried to monopolize things around here,  I was an energetic child.  I studied dance, I ran cross-country, I played softball . But my real passion was swimming.  I swam competitively from the age of 5.  I also play the cello which definitely needs some fine tuning since it has been a few years since I have picked up a bow.  I was a typical teenager.   I cheered and was what others might see as an all-american girl.  But,really I was a shy, non-confident  girl with judgement all around me. I grew up knowing God and accepting Jesus as my saviour, I know to submit to him but instead he scared me   I learned this distant fear from my relationship with my own father  So, basically I drifted around after high school not being able to settle on a career choice and very unsure, of my place in this world. I was a glorified drifter with a home, friends, and family, But, I could not pull myself out from under a very heavy hand pushing down on me harder and harder.  I began to go through challenges and trials. I was mad. I was unsure and hopeless. My decisions took me through a very solace and lonely place. I put a lot of strain on my body and the damage started to unleash the wolf. I lived that way for a while, with God using his Spirit, humility, grace, comfort and committment during this time to strengthen me, He was shaping me and transforming me to be a comforting presence in someone else’s life. He designed these hardships for me personally and he knew the trials I could endure. It is hard to be submissive and trust God through hardships. I always want to shout Why me? Why Lupus? Am I being punished? The things I did to my body might be causing me more pain than I needed to go through but Lupus would have still happened. God’s trials don’t have to devastate you. If you can face them with triumph and not devastation hopefully you will begin to see how to help others whose eyes are not as open. As you know, Lupus keeps you guessing. The pain seems to not have any rhyme or reason. I can really use God’s purpose and purity at this part of my life especially since the newest challenge at home now is returning to school! With some special children this is an extremely unique time filled with STRESS.:)….and more stress. Love in Christ.

Controlling the Craziness


I have battled uncertainty all my life.  I don’t know if it is pride or just being afraid of my own feelings.   I am constantly trying to be in control .  This just brings emptiness.  In the heart of my darkness the emptiness was terrifying.  I felt an almost constant ache deep in the pit of my stomach.  The more vices I gave into, the more pain I felt. Everything around me crumbled.  Trying to be in control of others or situations just  left me lonely.  I used to believe being lonely was a part of my genetic make-up.  I could never shake it.  I know now God doesn’t want us to be lonely.  He has filled parts of me that were incomplete and has given me the pleasure of overcoming many painful obstacles.  I still struggle everyday.  Thankfully, God is the only one I answer to.   All my wrong decisions, being too late or too early or not good enough does not apply with him.  If i am in his will everything will be perfect!