Pretty Little Punches

When you say you love me do you think I feel it.  Do you think it passes through this thick, course shell that I have grown over the years?  What do you want that to mean?  Your  manipulation has been growing in me for years.  I am not a person who feels or who loves.  I am the person you have made.  Do you like the person you built?  The one who hates life.  I hate the promises you have engraved in me.  Every time I hear them I feel a sting of pain that connects to every one of my organs but  never leaves my body.  I am stuck to live out this life you created in my head like a game that plays over and over. You have chosen me. Make me what you want because one day my shell will remain and I will be with the Holy One.  The only one who can perfectly  mend and love this broken child. He secretly holds me when you push.  He whispers soft kind words and carries me through another day.  Maybe one day you will find my friend.  He is there with us, I see him every time you thrust your love against my body and remind me how much you love me.

A Diamond in the Rough

In a seemingly small town on an ordinary fall morning, I watch as children are led from cars into school like loyal and faithful soldiers.  At this age their blowsy appearance is still  being molded and transformed.  Their confidence is being tested by the stewards around them and their faithfulness grows from the deep roots of their obedience  Faithfulness is a quality of reliability.  A reliability that stands strong in the midst of any imperfection.

In dark, dusty ash brought to the surface through deep volcanic eruptions sits carbon rocks.  These carbon minerals provide the source to form  beautiful material with superior qualities. After years of pressure and heat these carbon rocks develop into a beautiful one of a kind gem.  These diamonds are flawless but only after the combustible carbon torridity transformed the imperfection into a reliable precious treasure.

I often wonder why we do not see the treasures that lie in front of us.  It is hard to push through our imperfections and see that in the end  we will be a precious diamond.  Some people can zoom through these stages and others never travel a step further.  I know as a mother I try to tidy up and present others the gem they are. That frontier is not for me execute. God gave us this wonder.  My job is to be a reliable source of obedience and focus so that I can find my diamond.

This Little Life of Mine

Salt is often used as a purifying agent. Believers are described in Matthew as the salt and the light……. “You are the salt of the earth. But, if the salt should lose its taste, how can it be made salty? It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world.  A city situated on a hill cannot be hidden.” (Matthew 5:13-14)

Bad company corrupts good morality.  We need to stop deliberately sinning so the people around us who don’t know God will see the light in us. You could be the only bible some people will ever read.  If we are not acting like the light then what are our children seeing. God’s sovereignty should have a lasting effect on your life. Does it have a lasting effect on your children? Do you know that your family  will be with you in eternity?

Gods Fingerprints: A struggle with Postpartum

    It is not easy for children to put others first-we are all born sinners.  We are all naturally selfish.  I was a christian when I had my first child but I was living far from his grace and I was far from home.  After the initial blessing and visits , I was suddenly was alone with this beautiful baby boy. The love between mother and child is the most sensitive bond there is. It holds no greater capacity than love and grace.  The joy and hope of  this gift from God, turned into my broken spirit. My plans were shattered.  It became an agonizing deep depression which we now call postpartum . Depression can leave you frozen and numb to your child.  I was completely responsible for this beautiful boy but emotionally I could not give him the security and bond he needed to provide comfort and to faith

     If a child lives with tolerance he learns patience.  If he lives with hostility he learns to fight.  I was in a state of ongoing sadness.The guilt was unbearable. My dreams and hopes that once reached to the sky shattered, leaving deep darkness in my eyes. My son cried everyday.  He would throw his body back when I tried to hold him. He had a massaging cradle he would only sleep in.  Basically everything had to be done in order and in likeness.

     Living in that darkness of disappointment or discouragement  could never be understood by many.  You feel like a failure.  Please,  just stop and think….God made this child in your womb just for you.  He has a purpose for this life.  Step by step we can walk out of  darkness by following hope.  Hope is a candle that can lead you through the difficult times when darkness is all you see.  Whisper the name Jesus and there you will find comfort and hope you need.

     Postpartum can affect 5-25% of women.  Women often reflect on the negative aspects of childcare and in turn develop poor coping strategies.  These women get a label put on them and their self-esteem is deeply affected.  Happiness and laughter do not come naturally for some women and we need to stand up and help them see God´s light and love.  I have been in that darkness.  I was fully consumed with it. You cannot pull your self out of it!  I still have the repercussion even after so many years have passed.  Let God lead you in his way. Embrace where you are and take it step by step.  One activity can immobilize you but,  this child knows nothing but love for you.

The Journey of Love

Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever gone through a divorce or separation? Sadly, right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a bitter, difficult resolution of my relationship with God. Fortunately, i know that loving God is a lifelong individual journey that I will embark on for the rest of my life.

When I was 18 this journey with God began. I was very naive and did not know how to grow as a Christian. I knew something inside of me had changed. I wholeheartedly gave everything I had to worshiping Jesus. I felt love and peace. I followed Jesus faithfully and boldly. I wanted to learn everything I could about the bible. I was excited and I energetically tried to serve anyway I could. But, nobody taught me how to be a Christian.

Before I knew it, my selfish controlling attributes started sneaking back in. The devil got a foothold. I grew farther from Jesus but I still felt his presence in my life. God allowed me to do things my way. I began to make one bad decision after another and completely stopped growing in my Christian life. All the time something had a hold on me. God never left me. I began a complete downward spiral. Fortunately,  he knew when I had enough. I spent years doing it my way then God drew the line. Everything around me crumbled. He began to show me  he wanted a relationship with me personally. He gave me strength. I began a new attitude in my relationship with him and others around me. I began to see things God’s way. Many times I took baby steps or turned away all together but God remained faithful. He showed me he had bigger plans for my life,

Many parts of my life have changed since then. I became a humble servant and God began to work through me. Then, my health began to change. This is when I slowly started to feel my relationship with him trying to unravel.  It is amazing how quickly you can stop spending time in his word. How you may disagree with his plan. I became stubborn and as I defended my individual rights, it started to take away my worship and my time-serving him. Once again I was stranded. I was lonely. My relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. Divorce could be imminent. But, for a man who willingly laid down his life for me and endured such torture I am willing to go through some pride and discomfort to have a lasting, loving investment in this marriage. I will not go through the pain of divorce again. I challenge everyone to practice unconditional love and develop intimacy in whatever relationship honors you in your life.

Starring Who?

I grew up with performance based grace. I was separated from my father at ten years old.  I have lived my entire life trying to please him.  I grew up under his watchful eye as he scrutinized my every move.  I was never quite good enough in the things I did.  I have started to look at my relationship with my sons and I wonder sometimes if they can feel my insecurities.  I know my mood shifts and my temper can get the best of me.  I wonder if what I am saying to them is a mirror image of what I learned as a child.  I learned that it was easier to stay in the shadows.  It was easier to avoid confrontations.  I would end up with hurt feelings and a self-image that I would suffer with my entire life.

My relationship with my husband has started down the same path.  I feel like a timid child when confronted with a problem.  My intimate, loving response to his touch has grown cold.  I feel the quick, angry,  disposition from him the way I felt when my father was disciplining me.  I do not look to him for his leadership role in the house as I should.   Our marriage has become out of sync with what God had planned.  We both suffer everyday trying to grasp hold to the root of  foundation he laid out for our marriage.  My resistance is causing rejection in everyone around me.  My husband feels rejected because I cannot find grace in my life.

I have struggled to maintain a productive life.  I measured my worth by my abilities.  I was successful at my job but, in every relationship getting below the surface became very painful and scary.  Now, being unable to work and produce predictable income has torn open my flesh and exposed me to various levels of pain.  It has also peeled open a joyous thirst for God.  I can sing praises and give thanks even though I cannot see around the corner.

I am thankful that my marriage has been bonded by God.  Even though I stubbornly, and selfishly follow God, I know that my rebellion will be met with Grace.  The real value of a person is inside not on the outside.  Our performance in life is not what is appealing to God.  It is our heart…..Thank goodness my husband has a HUGE one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The World is Watching

¨He saw it fit to see me through another day,¨ This is just one of the statements Oklahoma residents are mulling through today.  The devastation and emotional terror that overcomes you is unexplainable.  I know this devastation all to well.  I lived through a tropical storm that dumped water over our city for days and eventually caused a levy to break.  Our city was downstream from raging water.  In a matter of hours,  streets and houses were flooded. The rescue effort brought boats and rafts to evacuate us and whatever we could carry.  Nobody could get in or out.  Our cars and homes were held hostage by red Georgia clay water.  The city water plant flooded and we had no water for three weeks.

I know as we see this devastation, we wonder what we can do.  What good do we get from this?  It is hard to know on a personal basis, but have you ever thought about starting over?  This can bring a transparency of sorts, leaving you vulnerable to deception and attack.  This battleground can have a devastating aftermath that can linger even  after all the destruction has been visibly removed.  I wanted to have my stuff.  That made me hopeless and lost and only God can replace that.

God gives us many ways to reclaim our relationship with him.  Unfortunately, we continue to bring destruction back into our lives.  The bondage we carry around is to hide  our transparency and leave our relationship with God detached.  The  intimacy we are so graciously given will always be there.  The purpose for such tragic situations can be Satanś greatest instrument of deception.  We all will face defeat and challenges but it is how we choose to walk through them that matters to God.

My Surgery and Spoiled Spirit

As a women I am constantly aware of my deep, inner feelings.  I am always looking out for my own needs and was..  It is important to me that others love me the same way.  If we did not love ourselves we would not be concerned about being rejected, hurt, or mistreated.  We all want to be accepted. Our need is not to love ourselves more but to love the image and direction God has given us.

The last year has been physically and emotionally tough.  I had surgery and developed a large hematoma.  I was released from the hospital while I was still complaining of significant pain.  Three days later I was at the doctor.  I had become bruised from my waist to my thighs.  My wound had literally opened.  They packed me with gauze and admitted me back into the hospital.  I went to surgery for a debreidment.  I left the hospital with a wound vac which heals or closes the wound from the inside out.  Every three days I had to get it changed.  The pain was the most unbearable bondage I have ever experienced.  About three weeks with the machine,  I was running a fever.  My drainage was foul with the tint of infection.  I was told so many times that my wound was healing nicely.  I continued to run fever and have the foul odor.   At one of my dressing changes the nurse pulled out a piece of gauze.  The wound vac had pulled it up through the healing process and that part of my wound had not healed.  It WAS infected.  The gauze had been left  in my abdomen at some point.

I could not work.  I could not play with my children.  I was a prisoner in my own house.  Mistakes like that can change the way you see things.  I began to justify my pain and laziness because I was damaged..  Instead of fighting, kicking and screaming at my physicians,  I withdrew. My problems were being ignored. I did not like myself, so I began to feel mistreated and rejected.  My problem still denies me from my life.

Don´t stop believing.  Instead of denying our self-image,  we need to receive Gods love and purpose.  In her book”Lies People Believe,¨ Nancy Leigh Demoss writes Jesus says we need to give to others the same attention and care we would give ourself.  Your situation does not describe you. I hope you never stop loving yourselves and believing   the negative foothold the devil sneaks in.

Soldier of Love

Mental health is not a subject most of us do not talk about over coffee but, It could be a topic that we talk about around the water cooler at work. There is a stigma that follows that entire category.  People  genuinely enjoy talking about themselves but certain secrets we tend to hold onto  tight.  We deal with our mental health with stuff. God has empowered us to manage our lives for his glory.  So, If we can talk about ourselves so freely then why do christians have a hard time-sharing their faith?  Look around your community.  We can empower people who may have a secret hidden way back in their memory.

When my older sister was around eight her class at camp was walking through the woods.  She was a little behind her class with two of her friends.  A man came out of the woods and grabbed her.  He took off down the trail while running with her in his arms.  The two boys she was with, had the instinct to chase after them.  After a few moments he dropped her.

All types of relationships are needed to develop our faith.  At the same school, I was assaulted.  I was to young to remember so it shouldn´t affect me, right?  Well it did.  Even though I do not remember all the facts my memory kept it stored.  For most of my life I was very introverted.  I obsessed on my pain.  I was quiet and shy.  To fit in, I choose activities that forced me to be extraverted.

These memories were never worked through.  We did not talk about it and everyone  figured we were okay.  I have experienced the unique characteristics that come with this memory.  I have lived my life depressed.  I was lucky to have support but hospital stays were very confusing and they really made me feel very alone.

Mental health affects everyone.  Your experiences cannot be disputed by anyone.  We must go out to the hopeless and pull them out of the place they are holding onto so tight.  Godś grace has brought people in your life.  It is a honor to share your faith.  It is even more of an honor to walk with them so they will have a partner to be accountable to.    Mathew 7:1 says ¨Do not judge or you too will be judged.¨ God uses the word hypocrite.  So, we need to take the speck out of our own eyes.

My Pride and Joy

I know we all have our own obsessive thoughts, right?  I have been confined to my couch for a good part of a year now with short intervals of my formal life breaking through every now and then.  This year has been filled with many devastating set backs.  Day after day I loathed in sorrow.  I was doing nothing to help my situation.  Then, a really good friend showed me that it was my pride that was getting in the way.  Pride hurts us and it hurts others around us.

We are not gracious or compassionate by nature,  We are jealous and quick to anger.  When life is good we take too much credit.  When life is bad our pride is hurt and we become self-conscious and shameful.  That becomes another way of taking too much credit because God’s will is never wrong.

I have worked diligently through the years in a field that I love. Unfortunately, it was not job description I had always longed for.  My performance reviews showed extremely high ratings and now after 20 years my arrogance finally took me down.  I could not perform the description of what my job entails.  I became depressed and broken.

God hates pride. But,  God also gives us grace and mercy when we are at our worse.  I cried out to him so many times.  Still I never could pick myself up.  I did not get to hear that still small voice that comforts us as we pray.  I was pulling away. I got very angry. But, I realized I wasn’t supposed to pick myself up, …. God was. My friends were so helpful.  People brought food and a lended ear.  But, I was crying out for the wrong reason.  I am arrogant. I want to be the best at whatever I do.  But,that is not what God wants. I feel like I am a burden and my pride doesn’t allow me to fully feel God’s grace and mercy.  My friends were not burdened, they were serving God.

God knows when we genuinely surrender.  He knows our heart and motives.  Pride can take your life.  We are never as bad or good as we think we are.  Surrendering to God while you are still grasping to your pride will not work.  God gives us unconditional love.  The less we credit him the further we pull away.

 

Related articles

• Sober Mercies (exegete77.wordpress.com)
• Empty faith, empty obedience and the will of God (tabright37.wordpress.com)